The Good and the Bad

The better I get, the lazier I become. How does one break this cycle?

After coming home from the hospital, I had this awesome energy to get things done. I was productive. I did what I said I would do. I was committed to getting things done. I would make a list of things I planned to do and I did it. I wasn’t comfortable not doing what I had written down. I started this blog with the intention to write an entry every Friday. Then, it turned into Saturday…Sunday and now, I write one at any time.

I wish I was still like that. I mean, I was doing other things other than this list. I needed something to keep me busy and feel like I did something with my day. It wasn’t a waste. Kind of gave me a purpose.

In the past year, so much has changed. I have been doing more. I have been social and going to events. I am doing things with friends and family on the weekends. That results in me being tired all week and not wanting to do anything. I am tired. It takes a week for me to get back to normal. During the week is when doctor appointments are scheduled. We’ll go food shopping. All those little things.

The older you get there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything. After doing shopping or watching tv/hanging with yourself, the next thing I know, the say has ended. Nothing that I wanted to do got done. The next day it’s the same. It’s a cycle.

So maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself about that. I may not be getting everything done on my list but…I am doing more than I was before.

This whole write up was hard to write. I’m so hard on myself. I have these high expectations; that’s why not checking off items on said list bothers me. I need to do everything. I used to not be like this. I need to relearn that it isn’t the end of the world. That it’s okay not to get everything done. I have to learn that it’s okay and to enjoy the day. If I’m not productive, I’ll do it tomorrow and if I can’t, we’ll, it wasn’t meant to be. I think this is difficult part. It’s gonna take a while for me to come to terms with it. I didn’t think it would be hard.

Some parts of your personality is from birth. Your likes and dislikes change but generally stay the same.

As you get grow up, you change/alter your personality that works or doesn’t work. It’s hard to really explain. There are core personality traits that are from birth. There are alterations. I was reset. I went back to what I used to be when I was younger. All the changes were undone.

I became this person that acts on her emotions. She gets close to people and hold them at high regard. One that trusts friends and family, unconditionally. That gets hurt often because of all of this. One that has to check off her list. Who has to have everything. Doesn’t leave anything to chance. That has to do everything her way and gets upset when someone doesn’t do it that way. Thinks that everyone wants her opinion. Believes everything everyone says. Gets upset that she doesn’t recycle or anyone recycles.

These are things that are still there, so maybe that’s just who I am but I had control of it. I knew what to suppress and what not to. I knew when I should let someone in. I knew that it wasn’t the end of the world if my list wasn’t done. I was aware that all people weren’t your friends. I knew I didn’t have to get everything done. All would and will be alright. The world will still be turning. All will be right in the world.

My list doesn’thave to be checked off all the time.

Here. Enjoy this picture. KBye.


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