clear the air, Feelings, Update

3 weeks…

It’s been three weeks since I last went to see my psychologist. 3 weeks. 

I realize lose my shit with people if I only miss a week. This has been 3. Christmas and NYE are part of the problem. 

Not that I talk about all my problems that I encounter during the week but whatever my issue in the end, I have an outlet. 

When I don’t have an outlet for more than a week, I don’t know what to do. 

Let’s be real, I see someone because everyone around me have lives. They don’t have time nor the energy to listen. Not that they don’t care, they simply can’t, or so I’m told. I’m sorta okay with that but it’s life. Family members all want to solve my problems for me that they forget to just listen. That I sorta have a problem with to but for another day. 

This is going to go on for the rest of my life. This isn’t going to get better. I’m going to adapt. I’m going to learn how to deal with people, slowly but surely. But I won’t be able to ever deal with everything on my own. I need to unload. I have to talk about myself and everyone around me. I have to talk about how I feel, good or bad. 

Everyone needs this but it is different. I don’t know how else to explain it. 

Everyone will turn to me and say “I know how you feel” or “everyone feels like that.” Yes, I can agree with that. Let me also remind you that I do remember how things were before my accident. I know how things were dealt with when I was normal. It’s you that doesn’t know my side. I get it, people don’t know how to relate to me anymore. People aren’t. We won’t ever have the same problems, ever. We won’t even come close to knowing what the other feels, at what intensity. 

I will always need my therapist. I will always need someone to listen to me without trying to relate to me. I will always need someone not to fix my problems. I don’t want anyone to have advice for me. I just need your ears. 

That’s all I want. I want you to listen. Let me talk. Let me unload. That’s all I want. 

Since I no one can handle my shit, I’ll pay for someone to handle it…or have my insurance do the work for me. 

Good day, ya’ll! 

clear the air, The new me

…So little time

This passed weekend I went to my first college alumni weekend. 5 years have gone by since I graduated. It feels like I was in Scranton yesterday… well, I mean I was there last weekend lol but you get what I’m saying. So many things have happened since…

What happened in the last 5 years, you ask? I’ll tell you…

We moved into the apartment, we’re in now, from my aunt’s house. I got a car. I attended Long Island University to get my master’s in Clinical Art Therapy. I purchased a car. A white Chevy Cruze LTZ with leather seats…I loved that thing. I didn’t want a white car but that was the only color they had on the lot and I wasn’t willing to wait. (>_<)  I graduated from LIU with my master’s. I took the art therapy licensing exam required to work in this state as an art therapist. I failed by 3 points. I was working at a small publishing company.  I got into a car accident with my sister on my 25th birthday as we were on our way to work at the small publishing company.

In that 5 years, A LOT has happened. Good and bad. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Those 5 years feel like yesterday but so much has changed. So manyy things happened…I don’t have enough words to describe what I am feeling but I do know, I wouldn’t be who I am if these things didn’t occur.

The accident was the worse thing to happen in that group but you know what? I can’t be miserable about it. What happened, happened. I can’t change it. Sometimes it’s hard to be in a good mood all the time. Cut me some slack. I do know that I have things to look forward to. I can’t make my new life miserable and wishing it didn’t happen. It does happen though. I do have those days and nights…after all I am human.

I had one of those nights the other night. I was just over everything and was upset that things aren’t normal. I was told, over the weekend, that I was normal two years ago. (-_-) I was normal two years ago. Let me remind everyone reading this that two years ago, I got into an accident with my sister on our way to work at a publishing company. Because of that accident, I will always have this TBI there. That TBI doesn’t just go away despite what friends and family think. It isn’t something that heals like a broken bone. It’s going to take years.

If you plan on dealing with a normal human being, find me in like 10 years. Then maybe, just maybe things will be normal. My life isn’t what is used to be and isn’t going to be what everyone considers normal. I am going to get better but I am not going to be 100%. I feel that everyone expects me to be 100% but I can’t be and won’t be. There isn’t enough time for that to happen.

Don’t expect it because you won’t be getting it any time soon.

clear the air, Funsies, Update

I can show you mine…

I haven’t been good on my word. I have said that I would try to work on some art and share it with everyone. I haven’t but I’ll start now. I’ll share some of the basic stuff I have been working on.

I don’t want you all to expect something great. I can look at an image and replicate it or use it as a reference and turn it into what is ‘me.’

I’ve been doing mandalas here. Those are easy because I have a finite area to work with which helps.

I can’t get my brain to function normally when I’m explaining something, do you really think I will be able to get it under control when I am trying to think of something to draw? I don’t think so…

I remember a conversation last summer and my friend, Terence and a neighbor, Tom, they both said something along the lines of how you’re not an artist if you are looking at someone else’s work. If it’s not something original, you shouldn’t call yourself an artist and you aren’t good. I don’t call myself an artist but I wouldn’t say I’m bad at what I do. I didn’t say much during that talk, but I remember thinking how it wasn’t fair.

I don’t think that is fair to anyone. I don’t call myself an artist. I never did because I simply never thought I was good enough. I am capable but I don’t believe it is anything to compare. I could be wrong. I have come up with my own stuff before. I have but now? I can’t come up with something on my own. A big sheet of white paper is very intimidating. It’s a lot of space. I can handle little doodles on my own but I still need something to look at for help. I am working on trying to come up with something on my own. I am trying to figure out who I am when it comes to making something come to life.

Here are some doodles and mandalas that I have created…I’ll share some of the older mandalas and other things that I have copied from other pictures some other time…

I’m trying something new. I am trying this dot thing to create pictures.^^That is my first attempt. It took me like three months to complete it because I’d just forgot about it.

  ^^That is the most recent. I have been working on it on and off this passed week. I’m slowly trying to create items? using the dots. It is very hard to do.

These below are doodles/pictures I’ve done…

  I looked at another image to give me a general idea for this one.

This is my Chibi. He looks rusty and looks like he’s got cobwebs. That did not happen on purpose. It’s saying, “you need work. You’ve been out of commission for a while.”

I am going to my first 5 year University of Scranton reunion this weekend. 5 years. Woof. Should be fun!

clear the air, Feelings

Let’s get this straight

I do not like being told what I am feeling when I know what I am feeling. I may have things wrong with me and I may not understand a lot but I know if I feel angry, sad, and annoyed.

I absolutely hate it. Do not tell me I’m angry. Do not tell me I’m annoyed. I’m really having an issue with it. I don’t have a lot figured out about myself but I do know what I am feeling. I am sure of that. I think I have that down. 

Ohhhh…That’s what you’re talking about…

I don’t portray how I feel, accurately.  That’s what you’re talking about. That I don’t have down. I know. I sound angrier than I feel. 

You should also know that I don’t have total control over how I sound. I get it and I won’t argue about it. 

However, I will not listen when you start telling me how I’m feeling. There is a fine line. You can tell me what I did wrong…I’ll be good.

I have no problem saying I made a mistake and apologizing. I have no qualms with admitting that I misunderstood you. No problems with that at all. 

Maybe you misunderstood me. Let’s work together to fix this. Let’s talk about whatever it is that you believe I did wrong. Don’t tell me what I did and not help me to fix it. I have no clue how to fix anything, otherwise I’d be fixed already. 

Either, help me to find a solution or stay outta my way. I got no time for you. 

clear the air, Feelings, Update

Here it goes

I don’t know if I am repeating myself or not, I apologize in advance, but I am tried of being told what to do when it comes to my recovery and how I should go about it. I am really tired of it.

I don’t appreciate it. There is a fine line between a friendly suggestion and being told something as if it was a sure thing. I hope I am making some sense. I am okay with this scenario: “Hey, Bahar.  Give this exercise a try, maybe it’ll help.”

This scenario, however, does not: “Hey Bahar. You should do this. This is better than that.”

(-_-)

Are you sure about that?

I have never been the person to do something simply because she is told she has to. I mean if you have the PhD or MD, sure, you’ll have a say that will be considered. Otherwise, please don’t tell me I have to do my recovery a certain way as if that is the truth.

I mean this is just my frustration speaking. I know friends and family have good intentions but I don’t like being told that this is how I should proceed.

I’ll take suggestions. I’ll take it.

Whenever I write something like this, about something that bothers me, I feel like I don’t make sense. I also feel ungrateful, and selfish. Whatever is going on with me…whatever this is, I don’t know what it is. I know everyone means well but I can’t keep reminding myself that so and so means well. I shouldn’t have to…If you mean well, maybe you should tell me you mean well in another way… I clearly don’t get it.

My psychologist isn’t working at the clinic I’ve been going to, so, I haven’t been seeing someone for two weeks now. Whenever I had an issue during the week before I saw my therapist I would write it down so I knew what I wanted to tell her. For two weeks I haven’t done that and I am miserable. I am miserable that I haven’t had an outlet… The clinic I have been going to gave me another therapist to see and I see him/her on Thursdays. I start with this new person next week.

clear the air, The new me

My head or brain or whatever is in that skull of mine

Edit: I have been off the grid for some time now…here is an oldie so you guys don’t forget about me. I’m in Turkey with my grandmother at the moment. I’ll be in a flight home tomorrow so next week things will be back to normal…sort of. I’ll tell you all about everything next week!

There are little things that I have wrong physically but they aren’t things that are noticed right away  to cause a person to think that something is wrong. At this point of recovery, whatever is wrong with me is with my brain.
I probably have talked about this before but it is really hard. I would have preferred to have woken up from my coma and have everything wrong with me physically. But nothing wrong with my brain.

This shit is hard. Really fucking hard.

I don’t have control like I want or like anyone expects me to have over my emotions. As my therapist said, I have triggers.

For those that do not know, triggers are words or scenarios that I get angry about or throw a tantrum over. As much as I don’t want to be called a child, I do have childlike tendencies. I ask that my loved ones, that want to be there for my recovery, to know that I have those and I am not normal. I want to be treated like an adult until I prove to you that I am not responding like an adult. That is when you should change your tune. That is another story for another day.

I have been trying to gain control over this. I’m not at my best and I want to be given the credit I deserve in those situations, when I do try.

I try. I am able to do it but it is going to take time. It takes a lot out of me to make a change. If it is hard for you to change you ways, it is even harder for me. Even though I was forced into this situation that does not mean it ‘s easier.

Correction: it is just as hard or even harder because I have all this changes that I have to incorporate and fit into my life.

It is not easy. For the people that choose to be in my life, they need to be flexible and I don’t have time to wait for you to be ready for the change. This shit is constantly getting better with me. I can’t say this is how it is or this will work, I simply don’t know the answer.

The doctors don’t know. They cannot give me a straight answer. So I can’t give you a straight answer.

This brain is all scrambled. I am working on changes but it takes hell of a lot time. I can speed up recovery when it’s something physical I have to work on but this brain? I can’t speed up it’s recovery. I have to just wait… It is a waiting game.

If you’re up for the wait and the challenges that come with it, come sit with me but if you aren’t, well, I’ll see you if 10+ years, whenever that may be.

clear the air, Feelings

crazy

I have never taken the word ‘crazy’ to heart as much as I have been lately. I don’t like the word being used on me or someone close to me… I don’t like the word being used, at all.

I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Now, I understand, sorta, why others lose it on the people that use that word to describe them. Whether or not, you truly believe that person is acting in that way, you don’t know that person well enough to know if that word will hit home. It was said to me and that is the one time I cannot forget about it. We were drunk, so whatever, but of all things that were said that night to me, that is the one that stuck out. Oh, and confirming the next day that I was as if I was going to understand it better not being drunk, wasn’t helpful. I mean, it still makes me angry thinking about that moment, but I have to remind myself that it isn’t the end of the world. I get angry because it is personal. I don’t have my shit together, I know this, but calling me ‘crazy’ only makes me feel shittier about myself. I feel shittier because I already feel that way and thank you for confirming it.

It isn’t a nice word at all… That person who is losing it on you, well, that word may be the reason they never speak to you again. This goes back to my other posts, no one knows your intention and you don’t know where that persons been. Maybe that person is having trouble with the mental or emotional stuff (like I am), maybe they’re seeing a therapist (for some reason this is a bad thing, I don’t know), maybe their family member is having trouble (it’s too close to home).

The point is: you don’t know what that person is going through in their life and it might hit them in a way that is beyond that situation. Just saying… 

I cannot say, when ‘crazy’ is being used, it was used to hurt me (maybe it was, I don’t know). I cannot say it was meant to be taken the way I took the word to me. Either way, i am finding that word to be offensive and bothersome, regardless of the context or intention behind it.

Why? Because I do have moments that aren’t explainable. I just do things and say things without thinking about it. I just react with whatever emotion I am feeling, good or bad. It comes off strong and forceful. I lose it. Granted, I am a bit, “off my rocker” but not all the time and when that word is tossed around, I take it as, “all the time.”

How come it’s so easy to be told that I am ‘crazy,’ ‘not normal,’ ‘not the same Bahar,’ when I do something out of the ordinary but they forget to tell me when I am doing something right and normal?

So, many people may not be calling me out and directly calling me ‘crazy,’ but when you say that, you may as well call me ‘crazy.’ I am able to let things go easier if it’s someone I don’t care too much about or am friends with. I can tell myself that person doesn’t matter and move on. Its harder to take from the people that are close. Those are the individuals that should know what I am doing to be better… To be told that, it feels like nothing is working. All that work for nothing.

It isn’t fair to call anyone ‘crazy’ or any form of it because you don’t know. You don’t know what is going on; What they are dealing with and if they are trying (it takes more effort  to some people than you would believe) to make changes. Just don’t use that word, even if you are really in a fight with someone and that is the point of fighting, to hurt that person’s feelings. I dunno. You don’t know if that word is going to stick with them passed that fight with you. Some things just need to be left out of fights/arguments/disagreements/just talking. The word is not a nice adjective to use to describe anyone… learn other words to describe what you are feeling. There are plenty of words that can be used that have proper meanings to describe yourself. You’re a grown up. The internet is there to help you. Everything is, literally, in the palm of your hands.

Just like making jokes about my accident isn’t funny yet, well, ‘crazy’ isn’t funny and will never be funny.

clear the air, Feelings

Regret

Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t like to regret anything. I don’t regret any of my decisions. I don’t regret people that have come and gone. I don’t regret anything. I know that whatever decision I have made to get there, was my own. I can say, “I did it to my self” or “I wanted to.” I knew that whatever happened, in the end, was my own doing and nothing can change that. But now, I feel the opposite.

I cannot even tell you a moment in my life that I regret. Regretting something feels awful. You cannot take the moment back and change it. It happened. Knowing this, I still regret that it happened.

For the first time in my life, I regret something happening. I am embarrassed we happened. Anyone close to me know what I am talking about… with that, I regret this summer.

I must be an awful person. Jeeze. I was asked not to talk to said person. Whoops, sorry, not asked, I was told to stay away and to leave said person alone. Heh. I guess I don’t know when to stop. But the problem just mayyy lie in the fact that when no one talks to me and tries to explain to me what the fuck is going on, I kinda lose it. I am not impossible.

I regret getting into my car to go to work that morning. I should have called in ‘sick’ and taken a birthday day off. I should have dealt with my breakup like a normal person. I should have just laid in bed until I was over it butttttt no. I couldn’t do that. Ughh. The things I regret now…

Why do I surround myself with people who don’t like to talk about things? Things like feelings? As soon as that comes into play, everyone’s out. This includes people close to me.

How come everyone knows what I am saying when it comes to their problems or someone else’s problems but as soon as I talk about what he/she have done to me, personally, they fall off the map? They don’t know what I am talking about. I must be crazy. That is what I am told – in some form or another.

…but I am an awful person. I don’t know when to stop talking. I don’t know how to end things. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to just end things the way they are.

Because I have so many things wrong with me, well, there must be an explanation for this. Yes, I am the one that got hurt in an accident and has a lot wrong with her… “She must be the problem, not me. Nothing happened to me.” And yes, I will continue using this accident as a scapegoat until it isn’t used against me. (there is A LOT of sarcasm going on up there ^ and no, people don’t say that to me. I am just assuming that is what is going on in everyone’s heads)

Don’t get me wrong. Everyone doesn’t use the accident against me. The people closest to me use that one. New people in my life, don’t, because they didn’t know me before or during.

In the end, I am using this entry to express my anger, like most of my entries. I have regretted this past summer. It was an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. I am trying to see the good in it, regardless, of how it went down. I know I regret everything, now, because I am angry/hurt. I know, in a month, I will be okay and I will see things in a different light.

Maybe I don’t regret. Maybe I am hurt. Maybe that’s what I am feeling. Maybe I’m confusing regret with anger. I think that is what is going on…

Why am I surrounded by people that firmly believe they did nothing wrong even when I tell them they did do something wrong? Just say sorry for hurting someone… Ughh! Just be sorry for making me feel awful. I feel this way for a reason and you are the cause for it. For some reason, people think that if they say “sorry” they are saying they take back everything. No. You are apologizing for making that person feel awful.

This whole apologizing thing really gets me going and I am surrounded by people who don’t understand that there is a difference in what you apologize for. You can forgive but it doesn’t mean you forget. “I am sorry for making you feel shitty but I am not sorry for who I am.” There has to be a better way to explain what I mean about apologizing but I am going to jump ahead and just say you get it. Heh.

 

clear the air, Feelings

I can think for myself…

This has been an issue for me. Everyone means well, I know this but I can’t help and get offended. In the end, I am human and everyone else would feel the same. A lot of people would be quick to tell me they wouldn’t but it’s time to stop lying to yourself. Nobody knows they’re doing this but I can’t help feeling this way. The accident has made me temporarily sensitive…

I can make my own decisions.

I know how to make my them with thought. I do not need help doing that for myself. When I ask for help making a decision, no one is there. Then it’s, “you need to make choices for yourself. I can’t do that for you” (-_-)

I get help when it is convenient for others.

I get that people work like that, naturally, but I don’t get a choice in any of this, so, why do you get a choice in when to help me? I can make my own choices. My brain isn’t that damaged. Everyone is quick to tell me it isn’t and that I can do so much. Stop treating me like I am damaged when it works for you. None of this works for me, so, if you are currently in my life, nothing about our relationship is going to be convenient. If this doesn’t work for you than you’re not supposed to be in my life.

I dunno. Maybe I am making assumptions and jumping to conclusions but I have nothing else to go on. That is what everyone is  doing and why I am feeling that way. So, everyone’s are doing that. There is a reason why I am feeling like this despite intentions being good. Good intentions don’t make the way I am feeling go away… But thanks.

I feel as if everyone treats me different because of my injuries. I take all this to heart. I don’t like being treated like a child or talked to as if something isn’t right. Yes, things aren’t right. I know this. I do not need to be constantly reminded by it. I didn’t forget. I am always looking at my injuries straight in the face. I do not need everyone reminding me of something I already know. It doesn’t just slip my mind (-_-)

I don’t like being asked if everything is okay. Especially, if that person asks in the tone as if I’m fragile.  I get offended. I am not fragile. If I was, I wouldn’t be here. Would I? Let’s think about this.

It’s like I don’t know how to express myself or tell anyone that something’s wrong. I didn’t lose my speech. I didn’t lose function in my brain completely. Just treat me like there isn’t something wrong and when I tell you I can’t handle it, well, then you should back off or start over. Again, this injury recovery thing, does not work on everyone else’s time. It doesn’t even work on my time. So, back the fuck off. If I need to learn patience, in regard to the time line for recovery, everyone else needs to stop rushing me.

I will get better. I am getting better. It is going to take time. I have all the time in the world, now. I will drive again. I will work again. I am pushing myself. I do a lot more than anyone else would be doing. It’s everyone else that isn’t giving me the credit that I deserve. I am not pessimistic but if I was as negative as everyone says I am, do you think that I would have gotten out of the hospital when I did? Cause I am pretty damn sure, I am doing so much better than I could be doing.

I’ll tell you when I can’t handle something. Thanks but no thanks.