Feelings

It’s late

1:45 am to be exact. I’m going to die not because of a car but from the stress people cause me.

When am I gonna be the person I was before? The person that didn’t get close to anyone and wasn’t friends or try to be friends with people? It’s the ones that I trust in what they’re saying and give them more of my time that turn out to be someone I gave my friendship to them too soon or too much.

It sounds like I’m dating them. That’s what it feels like.

I have been frustrated trying to gain the friendship of another that doesn’t want to be friends with me. I don’t think I’m a bad friend. If I were, I wouldn’t have had as many friends as I did at my hospital visit. That just wouldn’t have happen.

Anyway, it’s hard being ‘friends’ with someone that doesn’t value it or consider you as one. That feeling sucks. Friendships and romantic relationships are not too different. Minus the ‘love’ grossness. It’s a different ‘love’ but ‘love’ none the less.

I can confidently say that I’m direct. No matter what it is, I can say it. If I’m telling someone else something, well, I have no problem telling you. With that, I expect you to do the same. One cannot learn from their mistakes if you avoid telling them. How is another supposed to know what they did wrong? How can someone be self aware if they don’t know what they did wrong to begin with? No one in perfect. Avoiding conflict benefits no one except you. It doesn’t ‘damage’ your Ego. If you were wrong, it does but if you were right, then the opposite happens. Self fulfilling prophecy has made you confident that you, in fact, know this person. But when you assume that you know people and you respond to the next person the same way, then you feel defeated. This causes one to retreat and prevents them from confronting again.

I don’t like doing that and don’t like it when it’s done to me. I have never had a reason to get mad about it. Nothing to get mad at someone for it. I will, however, get mad that you bring it up months or years from now and expect me to do something about it. Or use it during a fight that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. That shit is annoying. If you waited that long to say anything about it, it wasn’t a big deal then. I’ll be mad that it took so long for it to come out.

Especially nowadays, I genuinely wanna know if I do or say something wrong to someone. I want to know because I’m still learning myself and others. It only helps me. I can change the way I respond or act. I can not do it again. It teaches me what to be conscious about. It’s beneficial to me. It is. Now, if you start fighting with me without telling me, all hell will break loose.

I know how to say sorry and mean it.I make mistakes. Oh and I know how to forgive if you know how to apologize.

Moral of the story: I’ll tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings/upset me. Without a problem. Please, do me a favor: Tell me when I do something wrong. It won’t hurt my feelings.

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Feelings, The new me, Update

I’ve been learning since, but it doesn’t mean I’ll float.

Some things are made a huge deal in my head and turn out to be the opposite. Which is great! But than again, was it worth making it a big deal? Is it better to be ready for the worst or is it better to be easy going about it? What’s going to cause me the least amount of stress?

I see it as I should be ready for the worst regardless of if it happens. Better safe than sorry, right? Why do I have to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster as if it is happening to me, at that moment? The act of preparing myself for the worst should decrease my anxiety, right? It doesn’t. I get worked up trying to make sure I have everything for later but I’m so worked up until whatever it is I’m waiting for, passes. I should be calm the whole time. I hate it.

This anxiety or whatever you want to call it, literally prevents me from sleeping and eating. You’re probably reading this and thinking I might be over exaggerating. This isn’t the case. I guess I could be but I don’t like sugar coating anything and I don’t just say something just because. This is what happens to me. I have always had thing anxiety, I believe. I knew how to cope with said anxiety. I knew how to respond to anyone that came around. I know how not to get too close to anyone. I knew better than to trust what was said. I knew what some meant because I know them. It’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating that I have fallen back to my middle school days. Moving to New York from Pennsylvania was tough. I left behind a school I was happy with and I had my best friends. I didn’t want to leave them. It was hard, to say the least. Anyway, I was stuck between the two states. I left behind friends that I tried to keep in touch with. I tried and they tried…it didn’t work out. I became a person that embraced the new friends and school but with hesitation. I made friends but it was just that. Friends at school. I made friends lol that happened 11th grade. I made friends I just didn’t get too emotionally involved. So if we grew apart, I didn’t get upset. It worked. What I’m getting at is I was learning how to keep the world at an arms length.

Now. lol I’m right back where I was in 2000. I have to relearn all that. It’s weird to relearn something you already know but it’s happening. My head and my heart is doing it all over again. I’m not ready for it all over again. I did better when I knew what I was putting myself through. I knew what to do with and where to put my anxiety. I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t know how to calm myself down or how not to get too close to people and things. I have no idea how to stress myself out less. Because of all this unpreparedness in my life I don’t want to leave the apartment. I’m not depressed…I don’t what you to think that I might be. No, not at all. I don’t know how to deal with the shit in my head and in situations that I’m no longer familiar with. I don’t know how to wing it. I can’t. I don’t like meeting new people because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want people I know either because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want to be in new places because I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m gonna feel.

All this uncertainty makes me want to do nothing.

I am, thought, pushing myself despite what I’m feeling. I know I’ll get through it. I won’t die. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t have everything. It’s alright if I don’t know someone. What people say, may just be words after all. I have to teach myself that I’ll be okay. I have to tell myself that it’ll be better than I thought.

Feelings, Update

Friends and Family

To friends and family members I've lost touch with and those who have tried to reach out in the past or recently, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we lost touch/I didn't do my part in the friendship. I know, I know…life gets in the way sometimes. We grow up and do bigger, better things. Naturally, people grow apart. That's okay.

There are old friends/family that tried to reconnect with me and I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry that you are no longer in my life. I'm sorry I didn't keep it up.

I appreciate everyone that came to the hospital or sent messages of love. My heart is so big. People from my past came out of the woodwork, individuals that I would have never expected anything from. It kills me that I don't remember everyone there or remember everything that was said or given to me.

My parents and sister have done the best they can to share what they do remember of February/March and onwards. There was a lot going on for everybody, not only for me.

I just wanted to use this post to thank everyone. Thank you driving up to Long Island from Pennsylvania and Middletown. Thank you for flying from Florida to see me. Thank you for making my family feel at ease. Thank you for the handmade gifts and gifts. Everyone knows me too well…Thank you for it all. Thank you for thinking of me even though we have nothing in common. I'm thankful for all that was done. I don't know how I could ever return the favor. Even though what you did was small in your eyes, it meant the world to me.

I have quite a few mandalas from those who got the chance to color one in for me. I have some cards. I have my Disney paraphernalia except the Belle that Stephanie gave me 😦 sorry Steph! I promise it was given a new home! ❤️

The world is small yet big. We're surrounded by all these people. There are people that think of you even if you don't think of them. People appreciate you more than you know it. Even if someone pisses you off they have a place in your life. Good or bad. Either way, appreciate them. You never know when that'll be the last time you share an interaction with that person. Unless they're a true psychopath or sociopath, everyone has some good in there somewhere.

Thank you and I love you. I, for real, do.

Feelings, Funsies, Today

So…what now?

So what if I can't do the basic things that I used to do? So what if I can't do what everyone else can do without thinking about it.

Listen, I'm now an outlier. Lol makes me feel special.

I'm not an outlier in a good way because I haven't found what my super power is after the brain trauma. I really want a super power, you know, those people that can all of a sudden speak 749393 languages or can do math with like 2763848 numbers. Ya know, those kinds lol. I am an outlier in that I can't do a lot of the things you can do that don't take a second thought. All those subconscious things you do, doesn't come very easily. I wrote something about that before.

Maybe I'm not using the right word when I use outlier. I'm not sure it applies to me but it makes me feel insanely better putting myself in that category.

Today my head hurts a lot. It could be many things. My allergies (probably) and lack of water. Either way, my brain hurts today. I think it hurts trying to figure out what I want to do with my time or if friends are around. I have many friends yet I have none. It's quite a fascinating dilemma I've got going. When I stopped trying to figure it out and tried hard not to break down, my brain started to be in pain. I say 'brain' but what I mean is 'skull/head.' My brain and I are on a first name basis.

Guys. I don't like being alone like the next person. I run out of things to do and there aren't people around. It almost gets lonely. My dad hasn't been cleared to work or drive so he's been home but we've run out of things to say to one another because, well, we see each other every minute of every day.

You might say, 'I would love to be home instead of work.' WRONG. You'll lose your head if you weren't working. It's fucking boring as shit and you run out of things to do after a week. Your friends and family are also working during the week so they sure as hell don't want to do anything. And when the weekend rolls around, they're tired from working all week that the weekends are a bust too.

What I'm saying is, enjoy your job. There is nothing better than doing what you do and get paid for it. Don't act like you hate it just because everyone else hates their job. Oh! But if you do hate your job, you probably should find another one to replace it. You should want to get out of bed.

If you haven't caught on, I'm not having a great day the day when writing this. I've been trying to make it a habit to write an entry when I have a specific thought/feeling. I hope it that might be interesting to read.

Last week was a hit in that everyday a few new people are reading my post or looking at what my blog has to offer. It's a nice feeling to know people are interested in what you wrote. Some days are better than others…

I don't have much to offer you guys in my blog posts. Lol BUT I can offer my wine glasses and/or art! Maybe I'll think of something lol some kind of game? Or idk, I'll think of it even if it's a year from now lol!

Orrr maybe a box of wine glasses and a bottle of wine? Or do one of those monthly box things? Would I be able to do it? Maybe have like a set number of people that can be chosen for that month? Ahh…! This may work guys! Whatcha guys think? Seriously! Would anyone be interested in something like this??

A lot to ponder…I've got all these ideas swirling in my fucked is brain idk whilst to do. I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight because I'm excited lol

I could do a teacup with tea or coffee cups with coffee! Ok ok. I'll talk to you guys later! Hey! One last thing…please! Let me know if it's something you'd be interested in or if it's a good idea that may work!! Please let me know in the comments!!

clear the air, Feelings

I forget

I was in a car accident on February 15th, 2013. I was driving my sister and I to work. I was rear ended in traffic. As a result, my injuries involved my head. My sister suffered a concussion, as well. 

Fast forward to 2017, I am better. I am a worlds away from 2013. I can walk and talk. I can laugh and cry. I’m not at my prime. I can’t do a large chunck of things I used to do or that you can do. It’s okay, tho. I try to make it work for myself. 

I walked away with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and an effect of that is short term memory loss. I have become very sensitive about this. It gets under my skin when my memory is challenged by, especially, someone that is supposed to know me or has some knowledge of my injuries. 

I understand the whole, ‘I’m not with you that often’ ‘I have a life that doesn’t always involve you.’ Trust me, I get it. But it’s kinda basic. This is the most uncomplicated problem I have. This doesn’t require a text book or doctor to explain to you what is going on with this brain injury. 

I have moments that are like Dory from Finding Nemo. You’re gonna say ‘that’s a movie,’ well, guess what? Shit like that happens. If you forget then why the hell am I held to the same standard you’re held at to remember?

Anyway, I repeat stories. I ask the same question, all the time. I don’t know what I last did with my glasses. I have to write things down. It’s to have said written thing at hand to make sure I have it at hand. I have to repeat things to have it in long term memory. Emotions I remember. A feeling I have is familar and brings back the memory. I’ll remember situations because I had a strong emotion tied to that moment. Strong feeling like sadness or anger. 

The reason for this post to explain that I’m starting to get angry when the person in front of me is talking to me like: ‘why don’t you remember?’ And they say it in a way or rather, the way I interpret is: ‘how can you forget something that just happened?’ I don’t appreciate it. It’s like a joke. No. I don’t remember. It would be nice to say it in a less demoning way. But hey, what do I know? How can I not remember? 

I’ve been taking great offense to this lately. The more it happens the more it upsets me. I do know that no one does it on purpose and they do forget, too. I understand that immensely. When I repeat myself don’t get angry and tell me I said that already. Don’t get frustrated. Without putting me down, gently, tell me that I told you already. Be nice about it. It can’t be a Duh moment became I don’t have those. 

Feelings, Today

Happy graduation day, Seda!


I am so proud of my baby cousin for what she has accomplished. I no longer hold the highest degree in the family. My reign ended this morning. It’s okay tho. I prefer it this way. 

This morning my cousin officially became an owner of a PhD. Pharmacist Seda. I like it. Congratulations! Today is a lovely day. 
At the moment, we are in upstate New York. I am tired. We were in the car around midnight. Drove all night. Well, I didn’t do the driving but I slept in the car. It wasn’t a great sleep by any means but better than nothing, I suppose. Nothing Starbucks can’t fix. I don’t know what is planned for the rest of the day after the ceremony but we’ll be busy with something. 

Right now, it is 10:10am. All I can think about is sleep and when I can get it. I’ll go back to last weeks post about ’13 Reasons Why’ and how I was able to relate to Hannah…

I’m here. I haven’t ever been suicidal or made attempts. Has it crossed my mind? Maybe. Out of anger. Out of spite. It was more of ‘what would they do?’ Not healthy. I’m aware. 

I can relate. Not in those terms above but when it comes to friends/family and how I feel I’m being treated by them. I haven’t been ostracized, slut shamed, or raped but I understood, I feel, the overall emotion the character was feeling. It’s not exact because no one can exactly feel what another is but you can get an idea based on your experience. 

Oh and spoiler alert, just in case. 

Hannah Baker was slut shamed by Jessica, her best friend. Before that, Jessica and Alex got together. They stopped hanging out or talking to Hannah, altogether. Hannah wasn’t invited or included in anything. When she did try to include the two of them it wasn’t welcoming. That I understood. 

Friends/people only think about their interests and what they want to do. They aren’t your baby sitters and you aren’t their main concern. She put others first because they were ‘friends.’ Hannah, to me, seemed like she was the character that put too much value on others; she trusted too many too quickly and got hurt when they didn’t reciprocate. They didn’t say or do anything to hurt Hannah on purpose or have the intent to but Hannah took it to heart. It’s just about a person caring way too much and everyone else being regular humans. 

Those that watched this show know that Hannah didn’t only kill herself because of what she explains in the tapes. There is more to what she blames others for. She is too sensitive for her own good. I dunno. I feel that I understood her sadness at times. Maybe nothing I said proves that I did get her. Maybe it’s just some projection going on. I dunno 😳

Feelings, Funsies, Today

13 Reasons Why

So this past week, I watched the Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why. 

I wanna start with schools and/or parents talking about how kids shouldn’t watch it. When it comes to the content they’re seeing, it isn’t quite appropriate. But as far as making suicide look good or what’s that word that has been used? I don’t remember it but it doesn’t do that. Suicide does not look good or appropriated. Either way, I don’t understand how this show makes suicide look good or look okay. 

I don’t understand why parents get all up in arms when they have to talk to their children about difficult topics. Talk to them. This show has a bit for everyone to take away from it. That includes the parents. Just because you’re good to your child doesn’t mean you know everything or that your child is okay. The point is, you shouldn’t ‘assume’ everything is okay with anyone. 

**Spoilers** warning for those who haven’t watched it and plan on watching it. 

This show gives you the opportunity to get  into the events and process an individual goes thru before committing to the act. 

Hannah felt shut out from friends. She felt left out, alienated. She felt alone. She wasn’t seen by others as a decent person. She was seen as a slut, easy, a drama queen, or just a overwhelming person overall. Not many liked her like she would have liked. She gave people chances even tho she knew better. She got raped when she least expected. She witnessed a friend get raped yet did nothing. Not doing anything would eat at anyone that isn’t a psychopath. There are people that have gone thru said things that haven’t killed themselves. I get that. That isn’t the point. 

The point is that any little moment can break someone. A situation that doesn’t break you might break me and vice versa. All stories are different. We understand things differently. With that, parents could use this show to open up the dialog between them and their children that they didn’t have before. Parents, be your child’s therapist. Listen to them without judgment. Let them come to you without judgment. Don’t assume that they’re okay because they haven’t come to you. They may never come to you. 

This show also shows the consequences that come with the tapes left by Hannah. One of the characters shot himself because of all that happened since the tapes came out. The way he was treated and the way others were being treated. Some process things differently. Another character has plans for the characters that made fun of him throughout the movie. 

I don’t know. There was a lot more going on in the movie aside from the suicide. There’s so much happening with each character. It’s more than Hannah. She was selfish in that she didn’t think about how everyone react or feel after listening to her tapes. There is so much to think about. This show didn’t glorify suicide. 

In fact, I believe it showed the viewer all the shit one is leaving behind for everyone else to clean up. Oh and if your child doesn’t see that, maybe they shouldn’t have watched the show at all.  That is all on you, parent. If your teenager doesn’t see that suicide isn’t the answer, you should change your relationship with said teenager and again, that’s on you, parent. 

I don’t see why anyone can’t watch it. The show does have graphic scenes and scenes that might be sensitive for some or be triggers for them. Idk if that’s even right; the way I’m explaining it. But you get it. Something can be learned by this show. It’s doing it’s job. It had everyone talking about suicide, rape, and bullying. That was the goal, right? 

I do, in the end, believe that everyone should watch it. I believe it was done well. At times I could relate to Hannah. Other times I couldn’t. But I can understand how or why she might feel what she feels. I can feel some of the characters sadness or frustration. Other characters I just couldn’t relate to at all. 

I can go on and on about this show. Maybe next week, I’ll talk about how I could relate at times to Hannah. Until then…

Feelings, Today, Update

So far so good

Update: My dad is doing really well with his physical therapy and occupational therapy. He’s gotten used to walking with his walker. He wants to get better quick. Lol he doesn’t like being stuck in one place for too long. He’s gonna get bored sitting at home with me. But I’ll have a friend during the day to enjoy coffee with. My grandmother, hopefully, is flying to America on Tuesday. If she stays with us during her stay, she’ll be hanging with us too. It’ll be good. 

All is well in my world. Since my dad’s ordeal, I haven’t been occupied with my own thoughts long enough. It’s not just my father, I guess, I’ve been preoccupied with getting our apartment together before grandma gets over, if she decides to. We want to be ready and be relaxed when we’re home. 

Let’s be real for a few. My best friend is moving to New Jersey; May 1st. I know, I know. It isn’t far. No, it isn’t. It’s different. He won’t be around and easily accessible anymore. When I miss him, I have to plan to see him. He’s gonna be making the drive a lot, it seems. We’ll see how it goes. 

I’ve been so confused about my life. I’ve written a post about what I want to do and what I expect. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do about it. I don’t know anything. I say I know one day and the next I think about it. I somehow decide that it doesn’t seem possible now and give up on that goal for next time; when I can do something about it. 

I was talking about art therapy last night because I was going through notes and books. I didn’t want to get rid of any of them but I couldn’t hold on to them especially if I wasn’t planning on doing anything in the near future with them. Then I started thinking about if I wait then everything I know will be updated in some way. I don’t have experience so if I look for a job later they won’t consider me because I haven’t got the hours in to be considered as an option. All these factors I have to think about. The pros and cons are weighed; what’s worth the time. Am I dedicated? Am I looking for ways out? Am I willing to push myself? Can I do a lot more than I believe or think? Is what I’m thinking a possibility? The real question for me is: can I actually make it through? Will I survive the hours of work? Will I over work myself? 

All those questions and more go through my head about everything. These are constant about anything and everything in my life. These are the type of things that keep me up at night. These questions are why I doubt myself. 

Thank you for listening. 

                 ‘You asked me for space’

Feelings, Today, Update

The holiday season is here!

Let the holiday season begin! Well, it started already lol I’m a bit late…

I imagine shopping at your computer in the comfort of your own home being the best option. More and more choose to do just that. I rather be in my pajamas while shopping 😀 Bring on the holiday movies! Oh and the hot chocolate 🙂 

Didn’t have any customers at our Etsy shoppe but we will one day! Gotta stay positive, Right?

I seem to get bummed when I don’t have people reading my blog…I didn’t think I’d have that reaction but I want people to read it. I feel like I don’t have interesting things to write about or I’m boring people. Lol. I dunno. I’m bummed. 

I guess people aren’t going to be *too* into it when you’re just complaining about life or talking about things that go on in everyone’s lives. 

It’s hard work coming up with stuff to write about that will keep people interested. I can barely keep up with having an entry written the same day and time every week. That may be why people lose interest? I need to be consistent. 

I’m not sure how bloggers do their thing. How they come up with new ideas that are interesting to their readers. 

I have started so many things and have many ideas. I do it for a little bit and then I try to change it or ‘make it better.’ That causes me not to be as committed to it. I put it off and the next thing I know, I’ve failed…myself. Lol I’m hard on myself. Totally aware of it 😀

I just want better habits. I need to make my own goals important. I need to do it without putting thought into it. I wish habits became habits over night. 

That’s one thing I miss after coming home from the hospital three years ago. If I thought of something, I did it. I had to because I ran the risk of forgetting or not doing that task at all. Now? I’ve progressed. I am better. But I did not make this into a habit. I didn’t realize what I was doing and what it meant. 

I still forget. I have learned ways to cope with forgetting. I have ways to help so I don’t have to rely on my memories 100%. I don’t have an excuse. But I am finding that even though I don’t have an excuse, I bypass whatever I had planned. 

Maybe that’s a good thing that I can go off course? I dunno. I have learned that it’s not the end of the world if I do go off course. Maybe that’s why I do that. It isn’t a bad thing but I get disappointed in myself when I haven’t done the things I intended to do; I didn’t prioritized the things that are important to me. 

That then has me questioning whether or not what I think is important is truely important. I keep going back and forth about this. I have been trying to make sense of everything out but it’s hard. And I know, I know, ‘no one has life figured out.’ Were on the same course, you and i, in boats. It seems like we have the same boat but we don’t. My boat has been thru a hurricane. It brought me this far but it’s been places your boat hasn’t been. 

It is what it is and I’ll figure it out one day. I’ve got plenty of days to figure it out. Or I shouldn’t get stuck on it? Enjoy those days instead because I don’t know how many days are left in this game called Life. 

Feelings, Update

Let’s go back

I’ve been trying to figure out what day works for me to post an entry. 

Friday was the day I started with and I made my way to Sunday. The thought was the weekend is at its end. I should be able to post an entry. 

Nope. I got that all wrong. 

I think I’m gonna go back to Friday’s. I have a weekend nowadays so Sunday’s don’t work for me like it could have before. 

Anyways, I was in the Florida last week. Visiting my best friend and her man. I wish I stayed longer. I miss hanging out and it’s a change from home. I like that from time to time. Wish they lived closer…

Otherwise, not much has been going on. I spent a week in Florida. Or 10 days to be exact. I have to find my motivation. I need to get things going for myself. 

I feel like I’ve lost my drive to do things. I know I can do it. But I don’t want to. I dunno what it is. I liked how things were last summer. Someone who got things done and wanted to do more. I’m at a point where I have to push myself to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do or said I’d do. 

It’s a struggle guys. I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what’s going on.