Feelings, Funsies, Today

So…what now?

So what if I can't do the basic things that I used to do? So what if I can't do what everyone else can do without thinking about it.

Listen, I'm now an outlier. Lol makes me feel special.

I'm not an outlier in a good way because I haven't found what my super power is after the brain trauma. I really want a super power, you know, those people that can all of a sudden speak 749393 languages or can do math with like 2763848 numbers. Ya know, those kinds lol. I am an outlier in that I can't do a lot of the things you can do that don't take a second thought. All those subconscious things you do, doesn't come very easily. I wrote something about that before.

Maybe I'm not using the right word when I use outlier. I'm not sure it applies to me but it makes me feel insanely better putting myself in that category.

Today my head hurts a lot. It could be many things. My allergies (probably) and lack of water. Either way, my brain hurts today. I think it hurts trying to figure out what I want to do with my time or if friends are around. I have many friends yet I have none. It's quite a fascinating dilemma I've got going. When I stopped trying to figure it out and tried hard not to break down, my brain started to be in pain. I say 'brain' but what I mean is 'skull/head.' My brain and I are on a first name basis.

Guys. I don't like being alone like the next person. I run out of things to do and there aren't people around. It almost gets lonely. My dad hasn't been cleared to work or drive so he's been home but we've run out of things to say to one another because, well, we see each other every minute of every day.

You might say, 'I would love to be home instead of work.' WRONG. You'll lose your head if you weren't working. It's fucking boring as shit and you run out of things to do after a week. Your friends and family are also working during the week so they sure as hell don't want to do anything. And when the weekend rolls around, they're tired from working all week that the weekends are a bust too.

What I'm saying is, enjoy your job. There is nothing better than doing what you do and get paid for it. Don't act like you hate it just because everyone else hates their job. Oh! But if you do hate your job, you probably should find another one to replace it. You should want to get out of bed.

If you haven't caught on, I'm not having a great day the day when writing this. I've been trying to make it a habit to write an entry when I have a specific thought/feeling. I hope it that might be interesting to read.

Last week was a hit in that everyday a few new people are reading my post or looking at what my blog has to offer. It's a nice feeling to know people are interested in what you wrote. Some days are better than others…

I don't have much to offer you guys in my blog posts. Lol BUT I can offer my wine glasses and/or art! Maybe I'll think of something lol some kind of game? Or idk, I'll think of it even if it's a year from now lol!

Orrr maybe a box of wine glasses and a bottle of wine? Or do one of those monthly box things? Would I be able to do it? Maybe have like a set number of people that can be chosen for that month? Ahh…! This may work guys! Whatcha guys think? Seriously! Would anyone be interested in something like this??

A lot to ponder…I've got all these ideas swirling in my fucked is brain idk whilst to do. I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight because I'm excited lol

I could do a teacup with tea or coffee cups with coffee! Ok ok. I'll talk to you guys later! Hey! One last thing…please! Let me know if it's something you'd be interested in or if it's a good idea that may work!! Please let me know in the comments!!

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Funsies, Update

Happy 4th!!

Ahh! To be alive to see another 4th of July! I hope everyone had a stellar day! I spent mine in good company, at the pool, and played some Monopoly. Drove around and now, I stand with my parents waiting for the sun to set and fireworks to begin.

Here are some pictures of our firework show: 

So, it was brought to my attention that my next birthday will be my 30th. ::shudders:: I am no where close to where I thought I would be at this age. It’s fun while it lasted. I have years to catch up to everyone. Time will come. I can’t remember if I wrote about it before but we’re all headed to the same destination. I am just taking a different route to get there. There is still time for the big 3-0. I should just enjoy these days lol. 
Oh so I attempted to run at the gym last week. I did it twice. I tried running no more than a minute. I didn’t lol it was sad but I’m paying the price. My right knee is the weak one. When I walk up the stairs or do squats, my knee clicks. If I do a lot of squats my knee gets swollen and hurts a little. But running made it worse. 

I have to ice it. It burns and it feels big. But I want to tell you about what it’s like to ‘run.’ I can’t. My knees are insanely weak. After like 15 seconds, my knees buckle, I suppose. My knees turn into one another. 

I forgot to mention that I have to ice my ankles, too. They’ve been affected by the ‘run’ as well. My knees and ankles don’t know how to be knees and ankles. They are so weak. I don’t know how they carry my weight.

I want to run and get better at it because I want to be active. I want to get into running since I have to work on that anyway. I dunno if that makes sense. I just wanted to run. I want to do things that I can’t do. I hate that. But I wanted to become a runner. I still want to. When I go to see Dr. Berdia, I’m gonna ask for a referral for PT. Maybe they can teach me to run. My running dreams have been put on hold. 

I want to tell you about my Etsy shoppe. I wrote about it before. I’m asking those who read this, to check it out! I’m slow at updating and adding new listings. I’ve had the same listings for some time now…I’ve had 6 sales. If you see something you like, buy it 😁.  If you’ve got an idea, share it with us and we’ll do our best. I am slowly adding some artwork. 

Kaya Creationss is the shoppe. If buying wine glasses or Pinocchio isn’t your thing, well, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave comments on what you think we should add or subtract. What could be done better. Anything. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you guys!! 

Feelings, Funsies, Today

13 Reasons Why

So this past week, I watched the Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why. 

I wanna start with schools and/or parents talking about how kids shouldn’t watch it. When it comes to the content they’re seeing, it isn’t quite appropriate. But as far as making suicide look good or what’s that word that has been used? I don’t remember it but it doesn’t do that. Suicide does not look good or appropriated. Either way, I don’t understand how this show makes suicide look good or look okay. 

I don’t understand why parents get all up in arms when they have to talk to their children about difficult topics. Talk to them. This show has a bit for everyone to take away from it. That includes the parents. Just because you’re good to your child doesn’t mean you know everything or that your child is okay. The point is, you shouldn’t ‘assume’ everything is okay with anyone. 

**Spoilers** warning for those who haven’t watched it and plan on watching it. 

This show gives you the opportunity to get  into the events and process an individual goes thru before committing to the act. 

Hannah felt shut out from friends. She felt left out, alienated. She felt alone. She wasn’t seen by others as a decent person. She was seen as a slut, easy, a drama queen, or just a overwhelming person overall. Not many liked her like she would have liked. She gave people chances even tho she knew better. She got raped when she least expected. She witnessed a friend get raped yet did nothing. Not doing anything would eat at anyone that isn’t a psychopath. There are people that have gone thru said things that haven’t killed themselves. I get that. That isn’t the point. 

The point is that any little moment can break someone. A situation that doesn’t break you might break me and vice versa. All stories are different. We understand things differently. With that, parents could use this show to open up the dialog between them and their children that they didn’t have before. Parents, be your child’s therapist. Listen to them without judgment. Let them come to you without judgment. Don’t assume that they’re okay because they haven’t come to you. They may never come to you. 

This show also shows the consequences that come with the tapes left by Hannah. One of the characters shot himself because of all that happened since the tapes came out. The way he was treated and the way others were being treated. Some process things differently. Another character has plans for the characters that made fun of him throughout the movie. 

I don’t know. There was a lot more going on in the movie aside from the suicide. There’s so much happening with each character. It’s more than Hannah. She was selfish in that she didn’t think about how everyone react or feel after listening to her tapes. There is so much to think about. This show didn’t glorify suicide. 

In fact, I believe it showed the viewer all the shit one is leaving behind for everyone else to clean up. Oh and if your child doesn’t see that, maybe they shouldn’t have watched the show at all.  That is all on you, parent. If your teenager doesn’t see that suicide isn’t the answer, you should change your relationship with said teenager and again, that’s on you, parent. 

I don’t see why anyone can’t watch it. The show does have graphic scenes and scenes that might be sensitive for some or be triggers for them. Idk if that’s even right; the way I’m explaining it. But you get it. Something can be learned by this show. It’s doing it’s job. It had everyone talking about suicide, rape, and bullying. That was the goal, right? 

I do, in the end, believe that everyone should watch it. I believe it was done well. At times I could relate to Hannah. Other times I couldn’t. But I can understand how or why she might feel what she feels. I can feel some of the characters sadness or frustration. Other characters I just couldn’t relate to at all. 

I can go on and on about this show. Maybe next week, I’ll talk about how I could relate at times to Hannah. Until then…

Funsies, Today, Update

Now what

What do I do? I don’t know what to do with my day sometimes. I feel like I should be doing something worth it in my day. 
Something worth it or productive could be anything, you say. Yes. It can be anything that is deemed ‘worth it’ by me. That can be anything from taking a shower or drawing to making dinner for the family with the slow cooker. These aren’t nothing, I know but it’s not fulfilling. 

Why does everything have to have a meaningful purpose? Why am I trying to put anymore worth in what I do? I am very aware that what I am doing is more than anyone expected and that I am doing so well…I want to do something that has more of a meaning. 

I want to help people. I want to change someone’s life for the better. That’s what I want. I have this longing to do more but nothing I’ve done has made me feel complete thus far. 
I keep looking for it and I’m falling short. I don’t know how to find it. Maybe volunteering is where it’s at. Maybe I need to finally do it. I need to stop being lazy and look stuff up. 

Ugh. On to another topic…Bates Motel. There are five more episodes till the series end. My sister and I caught up this passed week. Despite my frustrations and yelling at the TV, I enjoyed the show. Any show in which I hate several characters; I keep watching it regardless. Norman Bates is straight up out of his mind. Norma is just as crazy. It’s leading us to the Norman Bates we all know from Psycho. Which I like. I’ve never seen Psycho because obviously,  I’m scared lol. I will now.  I want to see what happens after the show is done. I’ll let you know how it goes with that movie. I feel like the scary scene is the shower scene in the beginning of the movie. I know it’s coming and it won’t be for long. ::Spolier alert:: We all know Norman is Norma and she is in the house. 

What a mess that guy is. Lol

Funsies, Today

Do things

Everyday is becoming more boring than the day before m. Is this what it means to be an adult? Probably not…

I don’t know how long this doing nothing will go. I’m not quite sick of it yet but I’m getting there? Volunteering might be the next best thing. I won’t be getting paid but not everything is about getting paid. I need to get to work status and volunteering might be it. I might try the St. Charles hospital for realsies this time. Maybe the hospital closer would be a nice start. I can walk there from home and get that going too. We’ll see. I have these ideas but it doesn’t go anywhere. 

I feel like I have no time for anything tho. I get excited to do something out of the ordinary that I forget about all the goals I set for myself. 

Ugh. I hate how I function sometimes. When that happens and I come back to real life I look at the time; somehow it’s midnight. Got to be kidding me. 

Oh! Time for the movie review! lol I saw the live action Beauty and the Beast. All that know me know this movie is my favorite. If there is a movie that I know a lot of the words and the songs to, it’s this one. 

I loved it. I loved the new songs. I like that they gave the Beast more of a story. I like that it was obviously longer. I liked that they changed some of the songs. 

This really isn’t a movie review. It’s more me talking about how much I loved this movie. Every character had more to them as well. I absolutely couldn’t get enough of Le Fou. 

Gaston was a good looking man. He wasn’t as annoying as the animated version. I hate his cartoon face. Real life Gaston gets two thumbs up. 😘
The Beast was smaller than I thought he would be. He was more human with emotions. 

A lot of the words were the same! I knew them too. I’m glad they didn’t make it exactly the same. Kept me interested. I wanna see it again! Maybe today 😉

Anyone that hasn’t seen it yet, invite me. Thanks. 🙌🏻

Funsies, Update

Thanksgiving 2016

Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone!

All of the country, everyone ended their dinners and headed out to get a start on their Christmas shopping…with the help of black Friday. I did not enjoy this black Friday because I did not have said funds to enjoy it.

There is always next year and for the ones that do not like venturing out into the world for discounts, they have Monday to get discounts from the computer. I don’t have funds for either day but I will be promoting my Etsy store, Kaya Creationss, for Monday. Yes, we have two ‘S’s because there was another Kaya Creations on Etsy. So, we had to go with an extra ‘s.’ I don’t mind for now.

We have a Cyber Monday code available for all those looking for a different take on their gifts; anyone that’s tired of the same ol’ gifts, come on down! We are still working out some kinks and trying to get more items listed at the shoppe. Slowly but surely we’ll get there, right? Better late than never…

If you are interested, visit and take a stroll at our Etsy shoppe.

We enjoy making custom pieces, so don’t be shy to shoot us a message. We don’t mind at all and we are totally willing to work with you on whatever idea you’ve got! My sister and I enjoy this part the most. Our prices for the custom pieces might be a bit much for some but I promise it’ll be worth it! I will be adjusting some of the prices for some items but for now enjoy this code for 40% off for Monday: CYBERMONDAY16

Make sure you enter the code at checkout as it won’t be added automatically. Oh and don’t forget to follow us on the Facebook and Instagram to stay up to date! You can contact us via Facebook, Etsy or by sending us an email at kayacreationss@yahoo.com. If you have a bulk request, we can work that out too! I don’t think I forgot anything…If I find that I did, I will let you know.

Now, back to the scheduled programming…

Thanksgiving was a good one. I spent it at my aunt and uncle’s house. We had our turkey and us cousins played Settlers of Catan. I never win in that game but I enjoy it regardless. Dinner was delicious, as per usual. Nothing too crazy. Was in good company for Thanksgiving. Always a fabulous time.

I forgot to update you guys on my latest neurologist appointment! I saw Dr. Berdia last Thursday. I told him about the few baby seizures I had. I told him about what was going on at the time, how I felt, and what was happening to me. He told me that my medication had to be increased whether I liked it or not. This time he didn’t bring me to the 150mg but wanted to see how I’d do with 125mg instead. Instead of taking half in the morning and the other half at night; he told me to take 50mg in the morning and 75mg at night. He said he wanted to see how I did with that before changing my medication completely. So far so good! I feel human. My emotions are still functioning normally. I don’t remember how long it took for me to get to the point of being a robot but right now, I’m awesome. Cross my fingers I don’t have a focal seizure at this dosage. I won’t be happy and my meds will have to change. :/ We will see…In the mean time, I will continue to be hopeful! I’ll see him in March next; I’ll keep note of any changes.

Well, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I hope that you got the deals that you wanted! <3.

 

Funsies

Driving

I do want to drive. I sure do. I don’t want to rely on everyone else. I wanna go somewhere when I want to. Not when someone else can…

How does anyone know how I will be? Who is gonna volunteer to sit in a car with me when I re-learn? Who’s going to trust me with their lives while I learn again?

My case isn’t like a teen learning how to drive. I know how to drive. I am like your 90 year old grandmother that still drives. No one will want me on the road. I’m too much of a liability.

I know how to start a car. I know where the gas and break pedals are. I know how to use everything. I do. Just because I can see myself doing it doesn’t mean I should…

I don’t know if I wrote another post about be doing a cart wheel in the middle of the living room when I was home alone one day. Well, if you had asked me if I could at that point, I would have told you I can. As far as I knew, I could do a cart wheel. I can see myself do it and I know where to put my hands and feet.

Yeah. About that. I could not. I rolled around on the floor. I did it a few times because I didn’t understand. Driving is the same. I see myself doing it all. I know it but can I?

I prolly shouldn’t attempt it. Not yet. I still stub my toe on edges of walls or couches, whatever. It isn’t the same as way as it happens to you. This is a regular occurrence. I hit the wall or door when I turn corners and my toes hurt all the time.
Can you imagine me driving? The thought of what could happen scares me. I don’t know how close or far I am to an object. With that, two things can happen:

  1. There will be so much space between me and the car in front of me that another car could probably fit in between.
  2. I’m riding in another car’s backseat.

There is no in between and even if there was, I can’t test it out. Driving is not a game and as we all found out, an accident can rock someone’s world upside down. I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s trauma.

Funsies, Update

Progress!

Hey! I wanna share my excitement about this… I dunno if I have shared this before about my dancing days with MJ. I’ll quickly fill you in: I am dancing to the Michael Jackson Experience. This game like Just Dance. You the dancing game on Wii…

Well, I started that, dancing when I can, to be more active but also to get some dancing in. It forces me to find a way to stand and move without falling. Since I started, I have noticed somethings:

1- The moves I have trouble with the first time, I can pull it off a bit better the second time. Even if a week went by. I won’t even be thinking about it and I can do the combination. This is the greatest thing ever. To be making a movement without thinking twice about it? Of course, like many things in life, as soon as you start thinking about it you mess up. But that is a natural event 🙂

2- When an event mentioned above happens, I cry throughout the song/dance. I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to stop the song because when I stop it’ll be hard to get back into it.

3- I can dance through MJ’s Ghost. There are hard songs to dance to in the game. I can dance the song on Medium, the background dancers. I want to dance getting 5 stars more than once before moving to Hard, or dancing the main guy.

The goal is to dance better (obviously). When I say better, I mean in my present form. I want to be able to more a bit more freely in time for Joey’s wedding, but again I believe I wrote about this before. That is the goal and I am making strides, guys!

Funsies, Update

Friends…

Jenn,

Happy Birthday! Love you and I hope you had a wonderful day! See you soon…

Love, Bahar

I have come to the realization that I am not good at choosing friends. Even you Jenn, I didn’t choose. You were brought to me. Thank you, James Wilson Young.

I think that my downfall is that I overlook what everyone else doesn’t. I give individuals the benefit of the doubt. I do this way too much that I get screwed over in the end. I put too much effort in the friendship or family member that I don’t get the same in return. I don’t ask for too much. I don’t believe I do.

I am the one that is able to apologize when I did something to offend or cross the line. I am able to see what I am doing and how it’s affecting the person in front of me. I don’t always think I’m right (despite what others think).

What I think and know, for me, is right but I will listen to you if you listen to me, as I know I can be wrong. So, prove me wrong. Don’t yell at me and be mean. Explain it to me like the adult you are. I will listen as long as you keep your cool. Don’t put it on me when you messed up. I am an understanding person, so much so that I get screwed in the end.

This may be the reason why I didn’t open up to people. Maybe this is why I don’t become ‘friends.’ Because why bother? That’s what I would do before the accident. That’s what I was. Someone who doesn’t have all these people around her. She gets too close too fast.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. I do it way too much. I don’t regret it when it happens because I learned and won’t do it again.

 

 

Funsies

Maybe Sunday?

I mayyy change the day when I post. Instead of posting on Saturday, post on Sunday. Yeah, I am going to make my way to Sunday. Maybe then more people will read this thing. I don’t know why I bother with how many people read my blog but I do.

Last week, Halloween went by quickly and now it’s November. Time goes by fast when you get old…

I have been introduced to Elevate. It’s along the same line of Lumosity but I’m having more fun with this than Lumosity. Lumosity costs money if you want more games than what they offer. Elevate is free and easy. Everyday you’re given three things to work on. I believe they had categories you chose in the beginning. I don’t remember but either way, it is challenging. For me it is. I have trouble with paying attention and with my short term memory. This app is really reminding me how much trouble I’m having and how this is something I have to work on. Lumosity wasn’t like this. I dunno. I like this app and I recommend it. Fit Brains is also fun. I’d try them both out if you’re looking for something like this. I try to play this before bed and it speeds up the whole sleep process.

I am working on this brain of mine. It is rough but I’ll get there! Good day to you sir.