Feelings, The new me, Update

I’ve been learning since, but it doesn’t mean I’ll float.

Some things are made a huge deal in my head and turn out to be the opposite. Which is great! But than again, was it worth making it a big deal? Is it better to be ready for the worst or is it better to be easy going about it? What’s going to cause me the least amount of stress?

I see it as I should be ready for the worst regardless of if it happens. Better safe than sorry, right? Why do I have to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster as if it is happening to me, at that moment? The act of preparing myself for the worst should decrease my anxiety, right? It doesn’t. I get worked up trying to make sure I have everything for later but I’m so worked up until whatever it is I’m waiting for, passes. I should be calm the whole time. I hate it.

This anxiety or whatever you want to call it, literally prevents me from sleeping and eating. You’re probably reading this and thinking I might be over exaggerating. This isn’t the case. I guess I could be but I don’t like sugar coating anything and I don’t just say something just because. This is what happens to me. I have always had thing anxiety, I believe. I knew how to cope with said anxiety. I knew how to respond to anyone that came around. I know how not to get too close to anyone. I knew better than to trust what was said. I knew what some meant because I know them. It’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating that I have fallen back to my middle school days. Moving to New York from Pennsylvania was tough. I left behind a school I was happy with and I had my best friends. I didn’t want to leave them. It was hard, to say the least. Anyway, I was stuck between the two states. I left behind friends that I tried to keep in touch with. I tried and they tried…it didn’t work out. I became a person that embraced the new friends and school but with hesitation. I made friends but it was just that. Friends at school. I made friends lol that happened 11th grade. I made friends I just didn’t get too emotionally involved. So if we grew apart, I didn’t get upset. It worked. What I’m getting at is I was learning how to keep the world at an arms length.

Now. lol I’m right back where I was in 2000. I have to relearn all that. It’s weird to relearn something you already know but it’s happening. My head and my heart is doing it all over again. I’m not ready for it all over again. I did better when I knew what I was putting myself through. I knew what to do with and where to put my anxiety. I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t know how to calm myself down or how not to get too close to people and things. I have no idea how to stress myself out less. Because of all this unpreparedness in my life I don’t want to leave the apartment. I’m not depressed…I don’t what you to think that I might be. No, not at all. I don’t know how to deal with the shit in my head and in situations that I’m no longer familiar with. I don’t know how to wing it. I can’t. I don’t like meeting new people because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want people I know either because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want to be in new places because I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m gonna feel.

All this uncertainty makes me want to do nothing.

I am, thought, pushing myself despite what I’m feeling. I know I’ll get through it. I won’t die. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t have everything. It’s alright if I don’t know someone. What people say, may just be words after all. I have to teach myself that I’ll be okay. I have to tell myself that it’ll be better than I thought.

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clear the air, The new me, Update

Entitled

‘From their review of over 170 studies, the researchers found that entitlement creates a vicious circle:

1 Entitlement creates feelings of disappointment.

2 Disappointment leads to anger and other strong negative emotions.

3 The negative emotions require the person to reassure themselves they are special.’

The article I’m quoting is by PsyBlog. It’s a short piece. Before continuing this, give it a read. It might have you thinking about yourself…being honest with yourself and trying to be a better person isn’t a bad thing. Give it a try 🙃

I don’t feel entitled. I don’t believe I am either. I’d guess that others wouldn’t say that about me but close family members might say ‘yeah. She might be.’ If you ask me that’s how I would respond with. Consciously, I’m not. Unconsciously, I might be. The things I say and do may not cry ‘entitled’ but underneath it all, that might be exactly what’s going on.

To respond to the three statements above:

  1. I do carry feelings of disappointment especially towards others around me.
  2. As a result, I do become angry towards said person. Strong negative emotions to the core.
  3. I always reassure myself that I am right and I am different therefore their reactions need to fit those differences.

So the question is: Do I think I’m entitled to certain things because of my accident?

Usually, when someone says on is ‘entitled’ they’re talking about material things that involve money. ‘I worked hard so I deserve…’ When you look at that, no I’m not entitled. What the article is talking about is more than that and I believe that’s what I’ve got going on with me lately.

‘I was in this accident; my world was turned upside down and everything is so different. I have to make all these changes without a choice.’ That’s the mindset I have going. If you’re a family member, it’s ‘if I have to change you have to’ and that usually follows with some statement about all this happening to me, I’m different. I deserve certain reactions and emotions from you. I can’t have you respond like a normal human being.

When I don’t get that, I get angry. I get angry because that’s not the reaction I deserve because of what happened to me. I believe this is a bit of a entitlement problem. It may not be clear or black and white but it’s there. Oh! At the end of these disagreements, I always start telling myself that I’m right and don’t deserve such reactions. The blame is shifted onto the other person without a thought. I can never be wrong because I was in an accident.

The hardest thing part of all this is admitting it to others or ‘out loud’ because admitting to yourself silently doesn’t mean change will happen. You then live in a state of denial and it’s easy to pretend you don’t do it. I’m writing about it. You’re reading this. I will put my tail between my legs and work on this. I will be kinder to others. I will remember that close friends and family are doing all they can. I’m not entitled to anything because of this. Everyone has gone above and beyond for me. I need to show more appreciation overall. I am humble but I’m humble to strangers and to those that aren’t around as often. I’m not humble when it comes to family. I have to work on this a bit harder because this doesn’t just involve me anymore; it involves everyone.

Oh and you’re not entitled to special treatment either. Is your name Mother Teresa? I didn’t think so. You know who else feels entitled? President Trump. But that’s for another time…

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday!

Public Service Announcement:

Don’t you dare look at the eclipse without proper glasses! I don’t need you to ruin your eye sight! Even for a second, don’t do it!

A Bahar explanation is this: the sky goes dark. Your retinas (the black part of your eye) gets big to see in the dark (that’s why owls have big eyes) and when the sun comes out within seconds, your eyes don’t have enough time to adjust. Your eyes in the back, that do all the work, burn. That’s why when the doctor puts those drops in your eyes to take a photo. Your internal structure of your eyes are out in the open and that’s also why you’re given some type of sun protection or asked to have someone else to drive you home.

Don’t be dumb. Don’t look at the sun. Just don’t. Sunglasses won’t work either.

The new me, Today, Update

New year, new beginnings

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New year’s Eve/day! Two weeks have gone by and a lot happened already. Holidays have passed and a new year has made its way into our lives. Of course, I also hope Hanukkah was even better than the year before! 

I love all my friends and family; past, present, and future. I cannot express how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if I was bad at keeping up with you. Every now and again you do cross my mind. I do wish we still talked and kept in touch. You are the part of the reason I am the person I am today and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I might be out spoken and straightforward. I may be over bearing at times. I at times seem impossible. I’m sorry. 

One of my goals for this new year is to not let my stubbornness get the best of me. I’m gonna try and be less petty. I never thought I was but I am. I will wait years to tell you what you did wrong to me in similar situations you have with someone else. Lol I’m so petty it’s unreal at times. Either way, I’m working on making this change. It’s definitely gonna be a slow change. It’s unrealistic to give myself only a year for this change but the first step is the hardest. So, here I go. 

Being stubborn is something that only affects me. That’s what I’ve been told many times. No one notices what I’m doing. No one cares that much lol. Being stubborn affects no one but me. This needs to go. Again, not gonna happen over night but I have to start somewhere…right?

New year’s resolutions won’t happen over night. People seem to have high expectations of themselves… I sure do. Start with small changes. You will have off days. Give yourself some leeway but that doesn’t mean you give up. No. That means you must had a bump in the road. That’s all. 

I try to have this mind set for myself. I’m not gonna lie… It’s very hard. Changes don’t happen because we don’t want to put in the work it requires. It does take work. Sometimes I get tired of all the forced changes I have to make. It’s very hard. I get tired. I want a few days of not thinking. I don’t want to ‘work’ all the time so I have a few days for myself of doing nothing. It helps. It makes it easier to pick up where you left off and keep going. This doesn’t mean that failure took place but rather a break. A small break from whatever it is you were trying to change or do. Maybe a break is what you needed. Nothing wrong with that. 

Change is hard. I was forced into change but it doesn’t make it any easier either. Where all on the same path but in different vehicles. I’m getting there differently than everyone else. The changes that were forced on me come with its own issues. All these changes I wasn’t nearly ready for. I have to learn how to cope with it all. I have to make adjustments accordingly. What I thought I knew; doesn’t apply anymore.

None of it is easy. I’m just taking a different car. A rusty one. One that needs to be fixed along the way. I’ll meet you at the end but a bit later than you. No big deal. I’m okay with it. I’ll be okay if no one is there either. Life moves forward with or without you. Whether you like it or not. 

Your resolution may be to loose weight but don’t hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Losing weight takes a good year. It’s a slow process but it will show itself. Give it time. This seems to be a common resolution that’s why I used it but it applies for any resolution you may have. I have faith in you. I know you can do it. It’s not only about resolutions either. It’s any promise you make yourself throughout the year. 

Remember: Change is difficult for EVERYONE. Start small and work your way up. It will happen. It’ll be slow and that’s okay. No one notices the mess ups as much as you do. Don’t hold yourself up to unrealistic expectations. Be good to yourself. 💕

The new me, Update

Overwhelmed…

Yeah, I don’t know why I’m as overwhelmed as I am sometimes. I do it to myself really. I set myself up for failure and I get all panicked when I didn’t get done all that I set up to get done.

I need to take in a deep breath and just let it be. That is easier said than done. Earlier this week started that way. I set up goals for myself for the day but I didn’t need to get it done and I was okay with that. By the time Friday hit, I was back where I started. There wasn’t enough hours in the day anymore.

I need to limit one goal for the day. Something big, like working on my Etsy shoppe, as my main focus for the day. Then the next day, working on my handwriting and so forth. I just can’t set goals up in a way that I can’t get them done. I usually set my day up to: work on my handwriting, my Etsy shoppe, clean my room, and organizing my arts and crafts closet. That’s only for a day. One already knows I’m not putting all my attention into one activity, therefore, whatever I did is half done.

I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. I need to take my day slow with getting shit done. I am not wonder woman. Not yet. I am working on her but I can’t rush the process. I know. Like I said just before, this shit is easier said than done.

I am also aware that I am the one person who always has a solution for everyone’s problems and am quick to offer my solution. I am aware that most of the shit I have said to people is easy, in theory.

I know what I should do and how I should do it. Nope. Not easy. It isn’t automatically easier for me because I was forced into this new life either. This is just as hard as it would have been before.

Also, when I do something in my day, I can’t do it in, let’s say, an hour. No. I need like the whole day. Who am I kidding when I try to cram in 3877348 things into the day? I will never get them checked off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will start my day with the exercising bit and then clean my room. I’ll work my way from there. Small goals. One at a time. That is how I got myself to drinking only water. #proud 🙂

Funsies, The new me, Update

(-_-)

I’ve gotten into arguments or fights with my mother, my sister, and friends. What happened, happened. I don’t feel remorse for what I said or did then. The people I got into a fight with, I don’t feel bad when I look back. It happened and I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.

That’s not who I was before my accident. I felt things. Too many…

I do apologize. I have apologized. I did so because I know I say things that are uncalled for and don’t realize how it might make the other person feel. I’ve stopped that recently because I don’t receive apologies in return. Whatever. I won’t either.

There is one person who does apologize and that is my sister.

…but the past few fights with my mother and sister, something has been happening. I feel guilty. I still don’t remember exactly what was said but I feel remorse.

I thought I was feeling before but I wasn’t. I was apologizing because I didn’t know. I think I was compensating for my lack of remorse by apologizing  without realizing it. Or maybe that is a form of feeling guilty or maybe I’m just a good person…lol I dunno.

I had a fight with my sister on Monday night. I felt shitty about it the next day. I feel guilty for fighting.

The next day I didn’t want to function. This happened before. I wanna stay in bed. I don’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I simply don’t want to do anything. I want to be alone. I don’t know what that means just yet but I might have an idea but am refusing to acknowledge it for the time being…

This is new and I don’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know that my emotions were really affected like this. Well, I kinda knew but I didn’t think it was going this far. This explains why I haven’t been able to  cry watching movies during scenes I was known to cry at…I was a crier. I don’t know how I feel about all of this crap. Everything is so confusing!!!

I kinda liked the new emotionless person. (-_-)

The new me

Patience

If someone asked me, ‘how patient are you?’ I would tell them about how incredibly patient I am while providing examples.

One thing I’ve learned about myself since the accident is that I was not patient at all.

I have to be patient when it comes to my recovery. I want everything to happen like yesterday. I want to be better. I don’t wanna wait anymore.

With the physical stuff I can speed up. I have to put a bit more effort into it. I have to try harder to get it back but with an extra push I can get it working.

When it comes to this brain? When it comes to this brain it’s a bit different. I can’t  do more. I guess I can but I have to wait for it to work better. I have to wait for it to heal on its own time.

Maybe it is the same but I don’t know I feel as though more is out of my control when it comes to my brain.

If my head is tired, I’m done. I’ll be sleeping all day. I’m spent physically too, but if I’m physically spent, I’m good to go for another day.

The brain is the supreme ruler. Whatever it says, happens. If it’s tired, it’s tired.  There is nothing you can say or do to convince it otherwise. Lol …ultimately, I am okay with it. I don’t like waiting. I have to force myself to be patient with the process. I will be okay. I’ll be back.

She’ll take her time to heal. She’ll be ready when she is ready.

 

The new me

Who is she?

I have been struggling with this just as much as my family has.

They don’t know how I am going to respond or react to whatever is said to me. They don’t know if I am going to like the cake they just bought. They don’t know if I’m going to laugh or cry watching the movie. They don’t know how I am going to handle people or new situations. They don’t know if I’m going to lose my shit on someone because of what they said. They don’t know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They don’t know if I am going to be stubborn and hold things against people.

Hell. I don’t know.

I remember who this person used to be. I remember what she has done and the way she acted. I know what I was. I don’t know who I am now. I don’t know if the same things apply to me as they used to. I don’t know if I am going to lose my shit on someone. I don’t know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I just don’t know. It is all up in the air. I am learning new things about me just like everyone else. I have the body of old Bahar and I have a similar brain yet it’s so different. There’s someone else’s brain in that skull of mine…

Lately, I get upset when I’m asked how I am in certain situations. I don’t know what I am capable of. I don’t know how certain scenarios will affect me. I don’t know what I will do or won’t do. We’ll both be surprised.

Hope you like surprises!

clear the air, The new me

…So little time

This passed weekend I went to my first college alumni weekend. 5 years have gone by since I graduated. It feels like I was in Scranton yesterday… well, I mean I was there last weekend lol but you get what I’m saying. So many things have happened since…

What happened in the last 5 years, you ask? I’ll tell you…

We moved into the apartment, we’re in now, from my aunt’s house. I got a car. I attended Long Island University to get my master’s in Clinical Art Therapy. I purchased a car. A white Chevy Cruze LTZ with leather seats…I loved that thing. I didn’t want a white car but that was the only color they had on the lot and I wasn’t willing to wait. (>_<)  I graduated from LIU with my master’s. I took the art therapy licensing exam required to work in this state as an art therapist. I failed by 3 points. I was working at a small publishing company.  I got into a car accident with my sister on my 25th birthday as we were on our way to work at the small publishing company.

In that 5 years, A LOT has happened. Good and bad. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Those 5 years feel like yesterday but so much has changed. So manyy things happened…I don’t have enough words to describe what I am feeling but I do know, I wouldn’t be who I am if these things didn’t occur.

The accident was the worse thing to happen in that group but you know what? I can’t be miserable about it. What happened, happened. I can’t change it. Sometimes it’s hard to be in a good mood all the time. Cut me some slack. I do know that I have things to look forward to. I can’t make my new life miserable and wishing it didn’t happen. It does happen though. I do have those days and nights…after all I am human.

I had one of those nights the other night. I was just over everything and was upset that things aren’t normal. I was told, over the weekend, that I was normal two years ago. (-_-) I was normal two years ago. Let me remind everyone reading this that two years ago, I got into an accident with my sister on our way to work at a publishing company. Because of that accident, I will always have this TBI there. That TBI doesn’t just go away despite what friends and family think. It isn’t something that heals like a broken bone. It’s going to take years.

If you plan on dealing with a normal human being, find me in like 10 years. Then maybe, just maybe things will be normal. My life isn’t what is used to be and isn’t going to be what everyone considers normal. I am going to get better but I am not going to be 100%. I feel that everyone expects me to be 100% but I can’t be and won’t be. There isn’t enough time for that to happen.

Don’t expect it because you won’t be getting it any time soon.

The new me

I had a brain fart…

Writing an entry for this week completely slipped my mind. I remembered now. I have a reminder set in my phone but I clicked out of it and that was the end of the reminder…

I wanted to let you guys know that on Monday, I made a meal for myself. My mom was taking a nap on the couch. I woke up at 3:30pm because I couldn’t sleep the night before. 

So, I woke up hungry for breakfast. I figured if I didn’t wake my mother up, I was successful. I ended up making myself eggs, toast, turkey bacon, hash browns and some chocolate milk.

After I made it and plated my food. I sat down. I looked at my food and I started crying. I couldn’t stop. I cried for like 15 minutes looking at what I created. When I finally started eating, I was eating cold food but I was still crying. I cried my food cold (-_-)

I could only imagine how I looked. I wasn’t sad. I was happy, really happy, that I was able to prepare a meal for myself. I shed happy tears. I mean, I had to take my time and plan ahead just a little. I had to make sure I had what I needed out and at my disposal. I had to take my time. I can’t “just make food” but I DID IT! 😀

The new me, Update

Making changes

To change some things up a bit I think weekly I am going to include some art work, by either me or someone else who has consented, and do a write up about it. I will continue to update everyone on my recovery but at the same time I want to use what I know and share it with everyone reading this. It’ll be fun and I’ll make use of what I know. I’ll be doing something with what I have learned instead of forgetting it.

I’ll try to do that starting next week but for now… I don’t leave you with much. Although, I have been feeling a bit down in the dumps about myself. 😕 I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I don’t feel that a lot of people in my life have come to terms with knowing that I have changed. 

I want people to treat me like I am normal until I give them a reason to show them that things aren’t the same.  I am asking everyone to be more flexible with me in terms of that. I want things to be normal but they simply aren’t. Physically, things aren’t too much different but mentally, I am very different. I don’t argue the same, I am very childlike in my responses and expectations. I am, as much as I have been fighting it, very much like a child. Part child and part adult. 

For now it is like this. It will change but for now, this is how it is whether I like it or not.