The new me, Today, Update

New year, new beginnings

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New year’s Eve/day! Two weeks have gone by and a lot happened already. Holidays have passed and a new year has made its way into our lives. Of course, I also hope Hanukkah was even better than the year before! 

I love all my friends and family; past, present, and future. I cannot express how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if I was bad at keeping up with you. Every now and again you do cross my mind. I do wish we still talked and kept in touch. You are the part of the reason I am the person I am today and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I might be out spoken and straightforward. I may be over bearing at times. I at times seem impossible. I’m sorry. 

One of my goals for this new year is to not let my stubbornness get the best of me. I’m gonna try and be less petty. I never thought I was but I am. I will wait years to tell you what you did wrong to me in similar situations you have with someone else. Lol I’m so petty it’s unreal at times. Either way, I’m working on making this change. It’s definitely gonna be a slow change. It’s unrealistic to give myself only a year for this change but the first step is the hardest. So, here I go. 

Being stubborn is something that only affects me. That’s what I’ve been told many times. No one notices what I’m doing. No one cares that much lol. Being stubborn affects no one but me. This needs to go. Again, not gonna happen over night but I have to start somewhere…right?

New year’s resolutions won’t happen over night. People seem to have high expectations of themselves… I sure do. Start with small changes. You will have off days. Give yourself some leeway but that doesn’t mean you give up. No. That means you must had a bump in the road. That’s all. 

I try to have this mind set for myself. I’m not gonna lie… It’s very hard. Changes don’t happen because we don’t want to put in the work it requires. It does take work. Sometimes I get tired of all the forced changes I have to make. It’s very hard. I get tired. I want a few days of not thinking. I don’t want to ‘work’ all the time so I have a few days for myself of doing nothing. It helps. It makes it easier to pick up where you left off and keep going. This doesn’t mean that failure took place but rather a break. A small break from whatever it is you were trying to change or do. Maybe a break is what you needed. Nothing wrong with that. 

Change is hard. I was forced into change but it doesn’t make it any easier either. Where all on the same path but in different vehicles. I’m getting there differently than everyone else. The changes that were forced on me come with its own issues. All these changes I wasn’t nearly ready for. I have to learn how to cope with it all. I have to make adjustments accordingly. What I thought I knew; doesn’t apply anymore.

None of it is easy. I’m just taking a different car. A rusty one. One that needs to be fixed along the way. I’ll meet you at the end but a bit later than you. No big deal. I’m okay with it. I’ll be okay if no one is there either. Life moves forward with or without you. Whether you like it or not. 

Your resolution may be to loose weight but don’t hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Losing weight takes a good year. It’s a slow process but it will show itself. Give it time. This seems to be a common resolution that’s why I used it but it applies for any resolution you may have. I have faith in you. I know you can do it. It’s not only about resolutions either. It’s any promise you make yourself throughout the year. 

Remember: Change is difficult for EVERYONE. Start small and work your way up. It will happen. It’ll be slow and that’s okay. No one notices the mess ups as much as you do. Don’t hold yourself up to unrealistic expectations. Be good to yourself. 💕

The new me, Update

Overwhelmed…

Yeah, I don’t know why I’m as overwhelmed as I am sometimes. I do it to myself really. I set myself up for failure and I get all panicked when I didn’t get done all that I set up to get done.

I need to take in a deep breath and just let it be. That is easier said than done. Earlier this week started that way. I set up goals for myself for the day but I didn’t need to get it done and I was okay with that. By the time Friday hit, I was back where I started. There wasn’t enough hours in the day anymore.

I need to limit one goal for the day. Something big, like working on my Etsy shoppe, as my main focus for the day. Then the next day, working on my handwriting and so forth. I just can’t set goals up in a way that I can’t get them done. I usually set my day up to: work on my handwriting, my Etsy shoppe, clean my room, and organizing my arts and crafts closet. That’s only for a day. One already knows I’m not putting all my attention into one activity, therefore, whatever I did is half done.

I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. I need to take my day slow with getting shit done. I am not wonder woman. Not yet. I am working on her but I can’t rush the process. I know. Like I said just before, this shit is easier said than done.

I am also aware that I am the one person who always has a solution for everyone’s problems and am quick to offer my solution. I am aware that most of the shit I have said to people is easy, in theory.

I know what I should do and how I should do it. Nope. Not easy. It isn’t automatically easier for me because I was forced into this new life either. This is just as hard as it would have been before.

Also, when I do something in my day, I can’t do it in, let’s say, an hour. No. I need like the whole day. Who am I kidding when I try to cram in 3877348 things into the day? I will never get them checked off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will start my day with the exercising bit and then clean my room. I’ll work my way from there. Small goals. One at a time. That is how I got myself to drinking only water. #proud 🙂

Funsies, The new me, Update

(-_-)

I’ve gotten into arguments or fights with my mother, my sister, and friends. What happened, happened. I don’t feel remorse for what I said or did then. The people I got into a fight with, I don’t feel bad when I look back. It happened and I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.

That’s not who I was before my accident. I felt things. Too many…

I do apologize. I have apologized. I did so because I know I say things that are uncalled for and don’t realize how it might make the other person feel. I’ve stopped that recently because I don’t receive apologies in return. Whatever. I won’t either.

There is one person who does apologize and that is my sister.

…but the past few fights with my mother and sister, something has been happening. I feel guilty. I still don’t remember exactly what was said but I feel remorse.

I thought I was feeling before but I wasn’t. I was apologizing because I didn’t know. I think I was compensating for my lack of remorse by apologizing  without realizing it. Or maybe that is a form of feeling guilty or maybe I’m just a good person…lol I dunno.

I had a fight with my sister on Monday night. I felt shitty about it the next day. I feel guilty for fighting.

The next day I didn’t want to function. This happened before. I wanna stay in bed. I don’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I simply don’t want to do anything. I want to be alone. I don’t know what that means just yet but I might have an idea but am refusing to acknowledge it for the time being…

This is new and I don’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know that my emotions were really affected like this. Well, I kinda knew but I didn’t think it was going this far. This explains why I haven’t been able to  cry watching movies during scenes I was known to cry at…I was a crier. I don’t know how I feel about all of this crap. Everything is so confusing!!!

I kinda liked the new emotionless person. (-_-)

The new me

Patience

If someone asked me, ‘how patient are you?’ I would tell them about how incredibly patient I am while providing examples.

One thing I’ve learned about myself since the accident is that I was not patient at all.

I have to be patient when it comes to my recovery. I want everything to happen like yesterday. I want to be better. I don’t wanna wait anymore.

With the physical stuff I can speed up. I have to put a bit more effort into it. I have to try harder to get it back but with an extra push I can get it working.

When it comes to this brain? When it comes to this brain it’s a bit different. I can’t  do more. I guess I can but I have to wait for it to work better. I have to wait for it to heal on its own time.

Maybe it is the same but I don’t know I feel as though more is out of my control when it comes to my brain.

If my head is tired, I’m done. I’ll be sleeping all day. I’m spent physically too, but if I’m physically spent, I’m good to go for another day.

The brain is the supreme ruler. Whatever it says, happens. If it’s tired, it’s tired.  There is nothing you can say or do to convince it otherwise. Lol …ultimately, I am okay with it. I don’t like waiting. I have to force myself to be patient with the process. I will be okay. I’ll be back.

She’ll take her time to heal. She’ll be ready when she is ready.

 

The new me

Who is she?

I have been struggling with this just as much as my family has.

They don’t know how I am going to respond or react to whatever is said to me. They don’t know if I am going to like the cake they just bought. They don’t know if I’m going to laugh or cry watching the movie. They don’t know how I am going to handle people or new situations. They don’t know if I’m going to lose my shit on someone because of what they said. They don’t know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They don’t know if I am going to be stubborn and hold things against people.

Hell. I don’t know.

I remember who this person used to be. I remember what she has done and the way she acted. I know what I was. I don’t know who I am now. I don’t know if the same things apply to me as they used to. I don’t know if I am going to lose my shit on someone. I don’t know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I just don’t know. It is all up in the air. I am learning new things about me just like everyone else. I have the body of old Bahar and I have a similar brain yet it’s so different. There’s someone else’s brain in that skull of mine…

Lately, I get upset when I’m asked how I am in certain situations. I don’t know what I am capable of. I don’t know how certain scenarios will affect me. I don’t know what I will do or won’t do. We’ll both be surprised.

Hope you like surprises!

clear the air, The new me

…So little time

This passed weekend I went to my first college alumni weekend. 5 years have gone by since I graduated. It feels like I was in Scranton yesterday… well, I mean I was there last weekend lol but you get what I’m saying. So many things have happened since…

What happened in the last 5 years, you ask? I’ll tell you…

We moved into the apartment, we’re in now, from my aunt’s house. I got a car. I attended Long Island University to get my master’s in Clinical Art Therapy. I purchased a car. A white Chevy Cruze LTZ with leather seats…I loved that thing. I didn’t want a white car but that was the only color they had on the lot and I wasn’t willing to wait. (>_<)  I graduated from LIU with my master’s. I took the art therapy licensing exam required to work in this state as an art therapist. I failed by 3 points. I was working at a small publishing company.  I got into a car accident with my sister on my 25th birthday as we were on our way to work at the small publishing company.

In that 5 years, A LOT has happened. Good and bad. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Those 5 years feel like yesterday but so much has changed. So manyy things happened…I don’t have enough words to describe what I am feeling but I do know, I wouldn’t be who I am if these things didn’t occur.

The accident was the worse thing to happen in that group but you know what? I can’t be miserable about it. What happened, happened. I can’t change it. Sometimes it’s hard to be in a good mood all the time. Cut me some slack. I do know that I have things to look forward to. I can’t make my new life miserable and wishing it didn’t happen. It does happen though. I do have those days and nights…after all I am human.

I had one of those nights the other night. I was just over everything and was upset that things aren’t normal. I was told, over the weekend, that I was normal two years ago. (-_-) I was normal two years ago. Let me remind everyone reading this that two years ago, I got into an accident with my sister on our way to work at a publishing company. Because of that accident, I will always have this TBI there. That TBI doesn’t just go away despite what friends and family think. It isn’t something that heals like a broken bone. It’s going to take years.

If you plan on dealing with a normal human being, find me in like 10 years. Then maybe, just maybe things will be normal. My life isn’t what is used to be and isn’t going to be what everyone considers normal. I am going to get better but I am not going to be 100%. I feel that everyone expects me to be 100% but I can’t be and won’t be. There isn’t enough time for that to happen.

Don’t expect it because you won’t be getting it any time soon.

The new me

I had a brain fart…

Writing an entry for this week completely slipped my mind. I remembered now. I have a reminder set in my phone but I clicked out of it and that was the end of the reminder…

I wanted to let you guys know that on Monday, I made a meal for myself. My mom was taking a nap on the couch. I woke up at 3:30pm because I couldn’t sleep the night before. 

So, I woke up hungry for breakfast. I figured if I didn’t wake my mother up, I was successful. I ended up making myself eggs, toast, turkey bacon, hash browns and some chocolate milk.

After I made it and plated my food. I sat down. I looked at my food and I started crying. I couldn’t stop. I cried for like 15 minutes looking at what I created. When I finally started eating, I was eating cold food but I was still crying. I cried my food cold (-_-)

I could only imagine how I looked. I wasn’t sad. I was happy, really happy, that I was able to prepare a meal for myself. I shed happy tears. I mean, I had to take my time and plan ahead just a little. I had to make sure I had what I needed out and at my disposal. I had to take my time. I can’t “just make food” but I DID IT! 😀

The new me, Update

Making changes

To change some things up a bit I think weekly I am going to include some art work, by either me or someone else who has consented, and do a write up about it. I will continue to update everyone on my recovery but at the same time I want to use what I know and share it with everyone reading this. It’ll be fun and I’ll make use of what I know. I’ll be doing something with what I have learned instead of forgetting it.

I’ll try to do that starting next week but for now… I don’t leave you with much. Although, I have been feeling a bit down in the dumps about myself. 😕 I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I don’t feel that a lot of people in my life have come to terms with knowing that I have changed. 

I want people to treat me like I am normal until I give them a reason to show them that things aren’t the same.  I am asking everyone to be more flexible with me in terms of that. I want things to be normal but they simply aren’t. Physically, things aren’t too much different but mentally, I am very different. I don’t argue the same, I am very childlike in my responses and expectations. I am, as much as I have been fighting it, very much like a child. Part child and part adult. 

For now it is like this. It will change but for now, this is how it is whether I like it or not.

Funsies, The new me, Update

…and there is this

About a month ago, I told my neurologist that the muscles in my left arm would twitch every so often. I told him that I’d notice it when I’m calm and not doing anything really. I’d notice it when I’m laying in bed. I wouldn’t be able to stop it or control it, it would end whenever. 

A while back, I was given Lamictal to take to control my how I react in situations. It’s a mood stabilzer. It’s been working but I had the intention to eventually stop taking it. That was the goal. 

So when I said this, he immediately said ‘seizures.’ My medication was increased and the doctor wanted me to have an EEG. We got the results and everything is normal. sweet! 

Today, I had an appointment to see the doctor. He said that I was most likely having focal seizures. Not a big deal but I could have a full on seizure whenever my brain feels like it and my medication isn’t right. Awesome. 

There is no way I wanna be off this medication to find out. I haven’t been noticing any twiches or spasms in my left arm so something is working. 

Lamictal is a mood stabilizer but doubles as seizure medication. That may be why I haven’t had this happen before December. The medication has kept it at bay and I hope to never find out. 

😕that’s my recent… My world has turned into something I don’t recognize. 😳

clear the air, The new me

My head or brain or whatever is in that skull of mine

Edit: I have been off the grid for some time now…here is an oldie so you guys don’t forget about me. I’m in Turkey with my grandmother at the moment. I’ll be in a flight home tomorrow so next week things will be back to normal…sort of. I’ll tell you all about everything next week!

There are little things that I have wrong physically but they aren’t things that are noticed right away  to cause a person to think that something is wrong. At this point of recovery, whatever is wrong with me is with my brain.
I probably have talked about this before but it is really hard. I would have preferred to have woken up from my coma and have everything wrong with me physically. But nothing wrong with my brain.

This shit is hard. Really fucking hard.

I don’t have control like I want or like anyone expects me to have over my emotions. As my therapist said, I have triggers.

For those that do not know, triggers are words or scenarios that I get angry about or throw a tantrum over. As much as I don’t want to be called a child, I do have childlike tendencies. I ask that my loved ones, that want to be there for my recovery, to know that I have those and I am not normal. I want to be treated like an adult until I prove to you that I am not responding like an adult. That is when you should change your tune. That is another story for another day.

I have been trying to gain control over this. I’m not at my best and I want to be given the credit I deserve in those situations, when I do try.

I try. I am able to do it but it is going to take time. It takes a lot out of me to make a change. If it is hard for you to change you ways, it is even harder for me. Even though I was forced into this situation that does not mean it ‘s easier.

Correction: it is just as hard or even harder because I have all this changes that I have to incorporate and fit into my life.

It is not easy. For the people that choose to be in my life, they need to be flexible and I don’t have time to wait for you to be ready for the change. This shit is constantly getting better with me. I can’t say this is how it is or this will work, I simply don’t know the answer.

The doctors don’t know. They cannot give me a straight answer. So I can’t give you a straight answer.

This brain is all scrambled. I am working on changes but it takes hell of a lot time. I can speed up recovery when it’s something physical I have to work on but this brain? I can’t speed up it’s recovery. I have to just wait… It is a waiting game.

If you’re up for the wait and the challenges that come with it, come sit with me but if you aren’t, well, I’ll see you if 10+ years, whenever that may be.