Feelings, Funsies, Today

So…what now?

So what if I can't do the basic things that I used to do? So what if I can't do what everyone else can do without thinking about it.

Listen, I'm now an outlier. Lol makes me feel special.

I'm not an outlier in a good way because I haven't found what my super power is after the brain trauma. I really want a super power, you know, those people that can all of a sudden speak 749393 languages or can do math with like 2763848 numbers. Ya know, those kinds lol. I am an outlier in that I can't do a lot of the things you can do that don't take a second thought. All those subconscious things you do, doesn't come very easily. I wrote something about that before.

Maybe I'm not using the right word when I use outlier. I'm not sure it applies to me but it makes me feel insanely better putting myself in that category.

Today my head hurts a lot. It could be many things. My allergies (probably) and lack of water. Either way, my brain hurts today. I think it hurts trying to figure out what I want to do with my time or if friends are around. I have many friends yet I have none. It's quite a fascinating dilemma I've got going. When I stopped trying to figure it out and tried hard not to break down, my brain started to be in pain. I say 'brain' but what I mean is 'skull/head.' My brain and I are on a first name basis.

Guys. I don't like being alone like the next person. I run out of things to do and there aren't people around. It almost gets lonely. My dad hasn't been cleared to work or drive so he's been home but we've run out of things to say to one another because, well, we see each other every minute of every day.

You might say, 'I would love to be home instead of work.' WRONG. You'll lose your head if you weren't working. It's fucking boring as shit and you run out of things to do after a week. Your friends and family are also working during the week so they sure as hell don't want to do anything. And when the weekend rolls around, they're tired from working all week that the weekends are a bust too.

What I'm saying is, enjoy your job. There is nothing better than doing what you do and get paid for it. Don't act like you hate it just because everyone else hates their job. Oh! But if you do hate your job, you probably should find another one to replace it. You should want to get out of bed.

If you haven't caught on, I'm not having a great day the day when writing this. I've been trying to make it a habit to write an entry when I have a specific thought/feeling. I hope it that might be interesting to read.

Last week was a hit in that everyday a few new people are reading my post or looking at what my blog has to offer. It's a nice feeling to know people are interested in what you wrote. Some days are better than others…

I don't have much to offer you guys in my blog posts. Lol BUT I can offer my wine glasses and/or art! Maybe I'll think of something lol some kind of game? Or idk, I'll think of it even if it's a year from now lol!

Orrr maybe a box of wine glasses and a bottle of wine? Or do one of those monthly box things? Would I be able to do it? Maybe have like a set number of people that can be chosen for that month? Ahh…! This may work guys! Whatcha guys think? Seriously! Would anyone be interested in something like this??

A lot to ponder…I've got all these ideas swirling in my fucked is brain idk whilst to do. I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight because I'm excited lol

I could do a teacup with tea or coffee cups with coffee! Ok ok. I'll talk to you guys later! Hey! One last thing…please! Let me know if it's something you'd be interested in or if it's a good idea that may work!! Please let me know in the comments!!

Today, Update

In this moment

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating today! Bayraminiz mubarek olsun!! 😘😁Have a splendid day!  

Here we go talking about driving, feelings, and driving…again. It bothers me from time to time. I have my highs and lows regarding driving and other people. 

I miss driving. I have many moments where I wish so badly to have my car. I miss the freedom that comes with driving. I miss driving with the windows down. I miss the music blasting. I miss being alone and just driving for no reason. I miss calling Hazar and Onur to go where ever when no one else was available. I miss being the cool cousin. I miss not having to rely on others to get me places. I miss having people hang out with me because they want to; not making me feel like a burden. I miss planning things. I miss going wherever I wanted when I wanted. 

Knowing you can do whatever you want when you want it, allows you not to feel that you’ve missed something or have to do said thing. 

Everyone has choices. Everyone can do whatever they want, as well as I…but I have to wait for others. I long for the car rides I used to go on. 

It isn’t about physically going out, driving or going out to eat all the time; it’s about knowing you can, when you want. I guess you can say I miss having that option. 

Friends and family don’t understand why I jump to whatever it is they suggest without thinking twice. I look for those moments because I don’t get them often. I don’t get moments where you want to do something. 

I wish I could drive again and let me stop you. I don’t want to hear for the 737283 time that I can. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling me I can do something that I truest can’t. 

I can’t drive myself alone or with others in the car. Do you trust me to drive you around? Will you give me your car to practice in? I look like I can right? There is nothing more irritating…well, actually not being able to do it may be worse. Lol

clear the air, Today, Update

Question

I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Today

Dogs…cats…fish…

I’ve always wanted a pet. When I was little, my mom and dad said I can have fish. I remember crying a whole day because my mother told me I couldn’t bring the class pet hamster home for a weekend. I remember her saying ‘what if it gets lost in the house?’ I wasn’t happy and we came to a truce when they said I can have pet fish. 

I’ve had fish up until the last of them died after my accident. I had a Ciclic of some sort. Idr what kind specifically it was but we had gotten him because in a tank full of colorful fish he was the only black one. He was so cute. We got him when we still had a 10 gallon tank but as time went by he got bigger. We eventually had my aunt give us their 50? Gallon tank. It was big and suited him well. We couldn’t go too crazy with fish bc he was big. So we gotten a few here and there for the tank but they wouldn’t last long. We got another one of his kind but a yellow one. When grad school started I kind of wasn’t doing well with taking care of him. At that point my dad said he wasn’t going to take care of the tank anymore because I was home from college. Fair enough. My fish died soon after I came home from the hospital. After that I said I couldn’t take care of them anymore, so that was the end of the pet fish. Writing about it tho makes me wanna start again…

Anyways, I have been thinking about a pet a lot lately. I want everything. I want a pet dog. I want a pet cat. Today, I want a bird and tomorrow, I’ll want my fish back. I love animals. I want them all. I want a goat. I want two goats so they have each other as a friend. I want an animal but I don’t want their fur everywhere. I probably should do fish again. Idk. Lemme sit on that for a little. 

Going back to a dog. Today, I saw a number of service dogs. Got me thinking, why can’t I get one? For doing things on my own. To calm me down when I’m over whelmed in crowded places or traveling alone. When I don’t have someone with me at all times, why can’t I have a dog with me? I don’t have to train said dog. It’ll be trained already. I wanna cry thinking about having one lol. I’m ridiculous, I know. I’d always have a travel buddy. I have a buddy there with me when I can’t handle everyone or everything. Then I start to question: do I really need one or do I just want a service dog because I want a dog? I don’t know. I’ll have to sit on this for a bit as well…maybe I’ll just have my fish in the mean time. 

Now, I have to convince everyone in the household.

Feelings, Today

Happy graduation day, Seda!


I am so proud of my baby cousin for what she has accomplished. I no longer hold the highest degree in the family. My reign ended this morning. It’s okay tho. I prefer it this way. 

This morning my cousin officially became an owner of a PhD. Pharmacist Seda. I like it. Congratulations! Today is a lovely day. 
At the moment, we are in upstate New York. I am tired. We were in the car around midnight. Drove all night. Well, I didn’t do the driving but I slept in the car. It wasn’t a great sleep by any means but better than nothing, I suppose. Nothing Starbucks can’t fix. I don’t know what is planned for the rest of the day after the ceremony but we’ll be busy with something. 

Right now, it is 10:10am. All I can think about is sleep and when I can get it. I’ll go back to last weeks post about ’13 Reasons Why’ and how I was able to relate to Hannah…

I’m here. I haven’t ever been suicidal or made attempts. Has it crossed my mind? Maybe. Out of anger. Out of spite. It was more of ‘what would they do?’ Not healthy. I’m aware. 

I can relate. Not in those terms above but when it comes to friends/family and how I feel I’m being treated by them. I haven’t been ostracized, slut shamed, or raped but I understood, I feel, the overall emotion the character was feeling. It’s not exact because no one can exactly feel what another is but you can get an idea based on your experience. 

Oh and spoiler alert, just in case. 

Hannah Baker was slut shamed by Jessica, her best friend. Before that, Jessica and Alex got together. They stopped hanging out or talking to Hannah, altogether. Hannah wasn’t invited or included in anything. When she did try to include the two of them it wasn’t welcoming. That I understood. 

Friends/people only think about their interests and what they want to do. They aren’t your baby sitters and you aren’t their main concern. She put others first because they were ‘friends.’ Hannah, to me, seemed like she was the character that put too much value on others; she trusted too many too quickly and got hurt when they didn’t reciprocate. They didn’t say or do anything to hurt Hannah on purpose or have the intent to but Hannah took it to heart. It’s just about a person caring way too much and everyone else being regular humans. 

Those that watched this show know that Hannah didn’t only kill herself because of what she explains in the tapes. There is more to what she blames others for. She is too sensitive for her own good. I dunno. I feel that I understood her sadness at times. Maybe nothing I said proves that I did get her. Maybe it’s just some projection going on. I dunno 😳

Feelings, Funsies, Today

13 Reasons Why

So this past week, I watched the Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why. 

I wanna start with schools and/or parents talking about how kids shouldn’t watch it. When it comes to the content they’re seeing, it isn’t quite appropriate. But as far as making suicide look good or what’s that word that has been used? I don’t remember it but it doesn’t do that. Suicide does not look good or appropriated. Either way, I don’t understand how this show makes suicide look good or look okay. 

I don’t understand why parents get all up in arms when they have to talk to their children about difficult topics. Talk to them. This show has a bit for everyone to take away from it. That includes the parents. Just because you’re good to your child doesn’t mean you know everything or that your child is okay. The point is, you shouldn’t ‘assume’ everything is okay with anyone. 

**Spoilers** warning for those who haven’t watched it and plan on watching it. 

This show gives you the opportunity to get  into the events and process an individual goes thru before committing to the act. 

Hannah felt shut out from friends. She felt left out, alienated. She felt alone. She wasn’t seen by others as a decent person. She was seen as a slut, easy, a drama queen, or just a overwhelming person overall. Not many liked her like she would have liked. She gave people chances even tho she knew better. She got raped when she least expected. She witnessed a friend get raped yet did nothing. Not doing anything would eat at anyone that isn’t a psychopath. There are people that have gone thru said things that haven’t killed themselves. I get that. That isn’t the point. 

The point is that any little moment can break someone. A situation that doesn’t break you might break me and vice versa. All stories are different. We understand things differently. With that, parents could use this show to open up the dialog between them and their children that they didn’t have before. Parents, be your child’s therapist. Listen to them without judgment. Let them come to you without judgment. Don’t assume that they’re okay because they haven’t come to you. They may never come to you. 

This show also shows the consequences that come with the tapes left by Hannah. One of the characters shot himself because of all that happened since the tapes came out. The way he was treated and the way others were being treated. Some process things differently. Another character has plans for the characters that made fun of him throughout the movie. 

I don’t know. There was a lot more going on in the movie aside from the suicide. There’s so much happening with each character. It’s more than Hannah. She was selfish in that she didn’t think about how everyone react or feel after listening to her tapes. There is so much to think about. This show didn’t glorify suicide. 

In fact, I believe it showed the viewer all the shit one is leaving behind for everyone else to clean up. Oh and if your child doesn’t see that, maybe they shouldn’t have watched the show at all.  That is all on you, parent. If your teenager doesn’t see that suicide isn’t the answer, you should change your relationship with said teenager and again, that’s on you, parent. 

I don’t see why anyone can’t watch it. The show does have graphic scenes and scenes that might be sensitive for some or be triggers for them. Idk if that’s even right; the way I’m explaining it. But you get it. Something can be learned by this show. It’s doing it’s job. It had everyone talking about suicide, rape, and bullying. That was the goal, right? 

I do, in the end, believe that everyone should watch it. I believe it was done well. At times I could relate to Hannah. Other times I couldn’t. But I can understand how or why she might feel what she feels. I can feel some of the characters sadness or frustration. Other characters I just couldn’t relate to at all. 

I can go on and on about this show. Maybe next week, I’ll talk about how I could relate at times to Hannah. Until then…

Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready. 

Feelings, Today, Update

So far so good

Update: My dad is doing really well with his physical therapy and occupational therapy. He’s gotten used to walking with his walker. He wants to get better quick. Lol he doesn’t like being stuck in one place for too long. He’s gonna get bored sitting at home with me. But I’ll have a friend during the day to enjoy coffee with. My grandmother, hopefully, is flying to America on Tuesday. If she stays with us during her stay, she’ll be hanging with us too. It’ll be good. 

All is well in my world. Since my dad’s ordeal, I haven’t been occupied with my own thoughts long enough. It’s not just my father, I guess, I’ve been preoccupied with getting our apartment together before grandma gets over, if she decides to. We want to be ready and be relaxed when we’re home. 

Let’s be real for a few. My best friend is moving to New Jersey; May 1st. I know, I know. It isn’t far. No, it isn’t. It’s different. He won’t be around and easily accessible anymore. When I miss him, I have to plan to see him. He’s gonna be making the drive a lot, it seems. We’ll see how it goes. 

I’ve been so confused about my life. I’ve written a post about what I want to do and what I expect. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do about it. I don’t know anything. I say I know one day and the next I think about it. I somehow decide that it doesn’t seem possible now and give up on that goal for next time; when I can do something about it. 

I was talking about art therapy last night because I was going through notes and books. I didn’t want to get rid of any of them but I couldn’t hold on to them especially if I wasn’t planning on doing anything in the near future with them. Then I started thinking about if I wait then everything I know will be updated in some way. I don’t have experience so if I look for a job later they won’t consider me because I haven’t got the hours in to be considered as an option. All these factors I have to think about. The pros and cons are weighed; what’s worth the time. Am I dedicated? Am I looking for ways out? Am I willing to push myself? Can I do a lot more than I believe or think? Is what I’m thinking a possibility? The real question for me is: can I actually make it through? Will I survive the hours of work? Will I over work myself? 

All those questions and more go through my head about everything. These are constant about anything and everything in my life. These are the type of things that keep me up at night. These questions are why I doubt myself. 

Thank you for listening. 

                 ‘You asked me for space’

Today, Update

Delay

I apologize for the delay. A lot has been going on this passed week. Where to begin?

I was supposed to go see my good friend Joey last weekend. Good thing I cancelled that (sorry Joe). On 4/9/17, my father got hit by a car at work. 

Right now, I don’t have anything else really going on. That’s on everyone’s mind. Well, my mom, sister, and I. That and the apartment. All they did was put new windows in like a month ago. The apartment is a mess and we’re quickly trying to get it together before my grandmother comes to the States on the 25th. 

My father got moved to a hospital closer to home, St. Charles. That’s the hospital that I was transferred to after Stony Brook back in the day. He’s doing well. The first few days he was feeling nauceous because of a concussion. His ear was kinda detached from the back. They had to stitch that up. His pelvis is broken right where his right hip is. His hip hurts. He can’t put wait on it. So walking is a challenge. Surgery is done, apparently, on the pelvic bone in extreme circumstances. My dad’s was not that situation. With that, he has to take it easy. Pain management is his treatment at the moment. One day at a time. 

Today, we had someone quickly paint the living room and hallway. Now, we wait for that to dry and things will start to come together…I hope. 

I’ve got many things to do. I have to get myself together and do things during the week. I need wine. That’s what I’ll be doing. Cleaning and sipping on some Sauvignon Blanc. That sounds like a plan to me! Just have to get it…

I don’t remember when I changed my allergy medication to see if something else worked. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. It doesn’t. My doctor had written me a prescription for the new allergy medicine, Xyzal. I hadn’t heard of it at that point so why not? 

Mistake. Everything about it was a mistake for me. My sinuses have been HORRIBLE. I feel like my eyeballs are gonna pop out. My face is in constant pain. I feel nauseous. I can’t move my head too fast because than I’ll vomit. Everything hurts. I wake up nauceous and with that I just want to sleep it off but there isn’t anything to sleep off. It sucks. Monday I will call my doctor to write me a prescription for Zyrtec because it’s cheaper that way. That’s the plan for the start of next week. 

I have to get the kaya creationss order done and sent out this week too. I’ll be working on that during the week as well. I’ve got some things to do in the coming week. Again, before grandma comes to visit. We’ll see, maybe my dad will be home by the end of the week, once they teach him how to climb stairs. 

Funsies, Today, Update

Now what

What do I do? I don’t know what to do with my day sometimes. I feel like I should be doing something worth it in my day. 
Something worth it or productive could be anything, you say. Yes. It can be anything that is deemed ‘worth it’ by me. That can be anything from taking a shower or drawing to making dinner for the family with the slow cooker. These aren’t nothing, I know but it’s not fulfilling. 

Why does everything have to have a meaningful purpose? Why am I trying to put anymore worth in what I do? I am very aware that what I am doing is more than anyone expected and that I am doing so well…I want to do something that has more of a meaning. 

I want to help people. I want to change someone’s life for the better. That’s what I want. I have this longing to do more but nothing I’ve done has made me feel complete thus far. 
I keep looking for it and I’m falling short. I don’t know how to find it. Maybe volunteering is where it’s at. Maybe I need to finally do it. I need to stop being lazy and look stuff up. 

Ugh. On to another topic…Bates Motel. There are five more episodes till the series end. My sister and I caught up this passed week. Despite my frustrations and yelling at the TV, I enjoyed the show. Any show in which I hate several characters; I keep watching it regardless. Norman Bates is straight up out of his mind. Norma is just as crazy. It’s leading us to the Norman Bates we all know from Psycho. Which I like. I’ve never seen Psycho because obviously,  I’m scared lol. I will now.  I want to see what happens after the show is done. I’ll let you know how it goes with that movie. I feel like the scary scene is the shower scene in the beginning of the movie. I know it’s coming and it won’t be for long. ::Spolier alert:: We all know Norman is Norma and she is in the house. 

What a mess that guy is. Lol