Update

Ahhh! 

So my best friend…my other half, is engaged! I’m talking about my dearest friend in the entire entire world, after my actual sister, is engaged to Mr. Dean Guiler! Finally!

I’m so happy that this day had come! It makes me very happy. I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of them and I can’t wait to party hard! 

Congratulations, dearest Jenn and Dean. I love you both, oh so very much ❤️I’m looking forward to your wedding…please, I don’t want to wait another 6 years for this to happen 😉

When will I get engaged or married? Not sure. Maybe when I’m like 32 or 33 lol hopefully sooner. Then again tho, I won’t be doing it ‘the right way.’ 😂 Gotta love religion and traditions…

I have been late with my entry because the only thing on my mind was Jenn’s engagement and I wanted to write about that. I had to wait for it to be announced on social media before I could write about it. And here we are. 

I’ve known Jenn since I’ve moved to this Island in 2000. I’ve known her for 17 years. Damn, that’s a long time. There are a few people that I’ve been friends with the longest and mean the world to me. She is one of them. 

Jenn has been there for so many things in my life. She’s been there for many milestones, good, bad and the ugly. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Here’s to another milestone. I couldn’t be happier that Dean is your person. He sort of is the best. Cheers to you both! The next time I have champagne will be at your wedding. 

Oh and Dean, it was a good call on your part not telling me before you proposed to her. I definitely would have spilled the beans. Jenn knows me too well to know when I’m keeping something from her and I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face, even thru text. I’m not even mad lol. 

Her ring tho 😍

I can’t even be jealous. I’m beyond happy. I’m not very good at expressing my joy. I don’t have enough adjectives to express myself. I wish I could just put a speaker phone in my head and have it play. 😆I don’t even know if that’ll be enough. 

Feelings, Today, Update

So far so good

Update: My dad is doing really well with his physical therapy and occupational therapy. He’s gotten used to walking with his walker. He wants to get better quick. Lol he doesn’t like being stuck in one place for too long. He’s gonna get bored sitting at home with me. But I’ll have a friend during the day to enjoy coffee with. My grandmother, hopefully, is flying to America on Tuesday. If she stays with us during her stay, she’ll be hanging with us too. It’ll be good. 

All is well in my world. Since my dad’s ordeal, I haven’t been occupied with my own thoughts long enough. It’s not just my father, I guess, I’ve been preoccupied with getting our apartment together before grandma gets over, if she decides to. We want to be ready and be relaxed when we’re home. 

Let’s be real for a few. My best friend is moving to New Jersey; May 1st. I know, I know. It isn’t far. No, it isn’t. It’s different. He won’t be around and easily accessible anymore. When I miss him, I have to plan to see him. He’s gonna be making the drive a lot, it seems. We’ll see how it goes. 

I’ve been so confused about my life. I’ve written a post about what I want to do and what I expect. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do about it. I don’t know anything. I say I know one day and the next I think about it. I somehow decide that it doesn’t seem possible now and give up on that goal for next time; when I can do something about it. 

I was talking about art therapy last night because I was going through notes and books. I didn’t want to get rid of any of them but I couldn’t hold on to them especially if I wasn’t planning on doing anything in the near future with them. Then I started thinking about if I wait then everything I know will be updated in some way. I don’t have experience so if I look for a job later they won’t consider me because I haven’t got the hours in to be considered as an option. All these factors I have to think about. The pros and cons are weighed; what’s worth the time. Am I dedicated? Am I looking for ways out? Am I willing to push myself? Can I do a lot more than I believe or think? Is what I’m thinking a possibility? The real question for me is: can I actually make it through? Will I survive the hours of work? Will I over work myself? 

All those questions and more go through my head about everything. These are constant about anything and everything in my life. These are the type of things that keep me up at night. These questions are why I doubt myself. 

Thank you for listening. 

                 ‘You asked me for space’

Today, Update

Delay

I apologize for the delay. A lot has been going on this passed week. Where to begin?

I was supposed to go see my good friend Joey last weekend. Good thing I cancelled that (sorry Joe). On 4/9/17, my father got hit by a car at work. 

Right now, I don’t have anything else really going on. That’s on everyone’s mind. Well, my mom, sister, and I. That and the apartment. All they did was put new windows in like a month ago. The apartment is a mess and we’re quickly trying to get it together before my grandmother comes to the States on the 25th. 

My father got moved to a hospital closer to home, St. Charles. That’s the hospital that I was transferred to after Stony Brook back in the day. He’s doing well. The first few days he was feeling nauceous because of a concussion. His ear was kinda detached from the back. They had to stitch that up. His pelvis is broken right where his right hip is. His hip hurts. He can’t put wait on it. So walking is a challenge. Surgery is done, apparently, on the pelvic bone in extreme circumstances. My dad’s was not that situation. With that, he has to take it easy. Pain management is his treatment at the moment. One day at a time. 

Today, we had someone quickly paint the living room and hallway. Now, we wait for that to dry and things will start to come together…I hope. 

I’ve got many things to do. I have to get myself together and do things during the week. I need wine. That’s what I’ll be doing. Cleaning and sipping on some Sauvignon Blanc. That sounds like a plan to me! Just have to get it…

I don’t remember when I changed my allergy medication to see if something else worked. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. It doesn’t. My doctor had written me a prescription for the new allergy medicine, Xyzal. I hadn’t heard of it at that point so why not? 

Mistake. Everything about it was a mistake for me. My sinuses have been HORRIBLE. I feel like my eyeballs are gonna pop out. My face is in constant pain. I feel nauseous. I can’t move my head too fast because than I’ll vomit. Everything hurts. I wake up nauceous and with that I just want to sleep it off but there isn’t anything to sleep off. It sucks. Monday I will call my doctor to write me a prescription for Zyrtec because it’s cheaper that way. That’s the plan for the start of next week. 

I have to get the kaya creationss order done and sent out this week too. I’ll be working on that during the week as well. I’ve got some things to do in the coming week. Again, before grandma comes to visit. We’ll see, maybe my dad will be home by the end of the week, once they teach him how to climb stairs. 

Update

Where are you nice weather? 


Couldn’t have asked for a better picture with my dear sister. 🙃😂😘

I want nicer weather than what have at the moment. It’s grey and rainy. Well it stopped raining at the moment but still yucky outside. Makes you wanna stay home in your pjs and binge watching Netflix. Alas, today isn’t one of those days. 

Today only began and I’m already wishing I was asleep in bed. My eyeballs are burning. Lol when doesn’t that happen? Never. I took day quil because I felt shitty when I woke up this morning. I felt like that yesterday too. My body feels sore and achy. I’m stupid cold and my throat feels sore-y. 

We’ll see what happens with that. 

So my sister went to Florida and I am super jealous already. Hasn’t even been a day and I wish I was there. Obviously guys, Disney is calling my name and I told my sister that she better think twice about going without me. If she does, she better feel super guilty about it. lol that’s what I hope for. lol I’m not very nice about this. 

Oh and Key West. I’d love to go there again. It’s so cute and little there. Key West is a place where you can relax, eat good food, and just have a good time. It’s an easy vacay. 
Well, this summer will be good if I have people to travel with and want to travel. I’m not doing that alone again especially not spontaneously. I need to plan it either way. I need more friends than I have lol 

‘Till the next vacay…here’s to the next summer! 

Funsies, Today, Update

Now what

What do I do? I don’t know what to do with my day sometimes. I feel like I should be doing something worth it in my day. 
Something worth it or productive could be anything, you say. Yes. It can be anything that is deemed ‘worth it’ by me. That can be anything from taking a shower or drawing to making dinner for the family with the slow cooker. These aren’t nothing, I know but it’s not fulfilling. 

Why does everything have to have a meaningful purpose? Why am I trying to put anymore worth in what I do? I am very aware that what I am doing is more than anyone expected and that I am doing so well…I want to do something that has more of a meaning. 

I want to help people. I want to change someone’s life for the better. That’s what I want. I have this longing to do more but nothing I’ve done has made me feel complete thus far. 
I keep looking for it and I’m falling short. I don’t know how to find it. Maybe volunteering is where it’s at. Maybe I need to finally do it. I need to stop being lazy and look stuff up. 

Ugh. On to another topic…Bates Motel. There are five more episodes till the series end. My sister and I caught up this passed week. Despite my frustrations and yelling at the TV, I enjoyed the show. Any show in which I hate several characters; I keep watching it regardless. Norman Bates is straight up out of his mind. Norma is just as crazy. It’s leading us to the Norman Bates we all know from Psycho. Which I like. I’ve never seen Psycho because obviously,  I’m scared lol. I will now.  I want to see what happens after the show is done. I’ll let you know how it goes with that movie. I feel like the scary scene is the shower scene in the beginning of the movie. I know it’s coming and it won’t be for long. ::Spolier alert:: We all know Norman is Norma and she is in the house. 

What a mess that guy is. Lol

Update

Slow down

Getting older is no joke. I now understand what the adults in my life meant when they said “don’t grow up” or “time flies” or “stop growing up.” Time, for real, speeds up when you get older. The day goes by so fast. Sometimes I don’t understand how it got to be 5pm. I remember being in elementary school and it took…forever…for the day to end and I can go home. Time doesn’t move when you’re much younger.

I went to France and Turkey. I spent 3 weeks in two countries and it wasn’t enough time there. In France, we did a lot but when I look back in a day we didn’t do too much with our day besides just going to the Eiffel Tower. Time is precious when you get older.

I’m sure there is some scientific explanation for all this. I don’t want to look it up (Here’s looking at you Chuck). I dunno what it is or how it is. I have an idea but the simplest thing I can say is that a kid hasn’t seen or done much (not that I have). Everything a kid does is new. Every situation is new and the interaction with others are new. As an adult, these aren’t new. We don’t have a lot of new information being processed by our brains.

My brain, however, as it heals, gets super tired. It gets tired because it’s constantly working to get better and a kid’s brain is growing. Our brain’s are at constant work.

When I’m in a situation that I’m not ready for or is new in any way, time doesn’t move fast enough. It becomes the longest gathering when there is a lot of new information much like when a child goes to school. They’re learning and everyday it’s a new topic. Time doesn’t move fast enough when your brain is tired.

The first example about France and Turkey doesn’t go with this because, even for a child, when you’re excited about a situation time flies. Time flies when you’re having fun but what I’m talking about is with the day in general.

It’s Saturday today and the next thing I know, it’ll be Wednesday and I don’t get how or when that happened. It would be nice if I actually did something with those days that passed. Summer is gonna be here like tomorrow and March is already half way done. I wanna do all these things in my day but I keep saying “tomorrow.” The next thing I know, it’s been two weeks that I have been saying that. At that point, I haven’t done what I set out to do.

It’s been 4 years and I’m still trying to get my life together. Here’s to getting older!

To Joey and Erin, Congratulations on your new addition to the family! She is gorgeous! Good job guys! 🙂

Update

Tarkan!

I’m so glad we listened to the world telling us to go see Tarkan at Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan. I am so, so, so, happy.

Nese (sister), Seda (cousin) and I went into the city on Thursday night to see our favorite Turkish artist, Tarkan. Everyone is his fan, all over the world…not only in Turkey. He finally made it here to the United States to bless us with his presence. I had so much fun and I am guessing that everyone there had fun too. Nese, Seda, and I danced the whole night didn’t care if anyone saw or thought of us. I didn’t care. I was seeing Tarkan.

We bought general admission tickets. We stood in the crowd, took our pictures, and then we eventually made it into the back of the crowd to better enjoy the music and to dance. Dancing in a crowd is hard lol. We had our drinks before so our hands were free to do what they do best…be thrown around like a mad monkey and the other two were probably no different than I. I really can’t be sure since my eyes were shut when dancing.

There were many people we knew at the concert…between Facebook and Instagram we found out after the fact. We did get the pleasure to spend some time in the crowd with our cousins. We don’t have those moments often…got to appreciate it when it does happen, right?

Tarkan is pretty well known in Turkey and the rest of the world…not so much here in the States. They tried to get his music here. They had his more well known song, Simarik, or the Kiss Kiss song, here but I doubt anyone remembers. It was sung by a woman, I believe.I remember the song being on the radio.

I also remember the time Nese and I heard the instrumental version of the song being played in Morocco at Epcot in Disney. We ran to go dance and sing the song ourselves from the crowd. That was the last time Nese and I went there before the accident. We had a Casabona-Kaya sibling trip to Disney.

Here is the the song I’m talking about… Tarkan- Simarik

…and here are some photos of Thursday night’s concert:

Good times…Onto the next one!

Update

Back to life

It’s been what? Two weekends since I’ve been back… from my travels. I was gone for three weeks? It feels like I haven’t been in this hemisphere for 3 years. It’s an odd feeling and most of you are gonna say, ‘the same happens to everybody…blah blah blah.’ Fine. lol It happens to everybody.

I went to Paris for a week and went to Istanbul for another two weeks. I came home the Sunday before my birthday. The plane made it home so all was good. 😀

I saw places. I saw things. I saw family. I saw a lot. I’m surprised my brain is still functioning… I am still feeling the effects of going everywhere.

I have to get myself in order. I need to get back into some routine because I feel like I’m about to fall apart. And when I say ‘fall apart’ I mean have a meltdown/anxiety attack/freakout/whatever you want to call it, I’m on the brink. I have been feeling as if I am on the edge. As if I’m playing Russian Roulette; I don’t know when the ‘gun’ will go off. I don’t even know what the ‘gun’ is.

I need to take a deep breath and take it easy. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not the end of the world if I didn’t do something; to just breathe. I have these high expectations. I only do it to myself and I need to cut myself a break.

Oh yes, my birthday brought in the 4th anniversary of the infamous accident and brought in the 3rd birthday of this blog. I’m not sure why I still have this because the world is over it…At this point, this is for me. I am writing this blog for myself and no one else. I feel like I have things to do with this blog. It makes me feel good. I feel productive…but at some point I will run out of things to write about. My recovery is something that will go on forever but I feel as though I’m at a constant…dunno if that is the right word but you get it.

In the mean time, while I figure this blog life out, here are some photos to feast your eyes on.

 

Update

I’m back

I’ve returned to the United  States. I’m tired still from my travels. I have to get my life back in order. It’s only been 3 weeks of being away. Doesn’t seem much at all but it is. It’s a lot. 

I had a system of how I do things and some of it seems to be a bit tricky to get back in the groove. It seems like it’s gonna take a bit of time. Nothing happens over night, right?

I’ve spent a week in Paris. Spent two weeks in Istanbul. I was able to spend the amount of time in these places because I do not have a job like most people do in this world. A week in Paris was in the plans already. We went there. Saw what we could in this wonderful city. Then Grandma wanted me to make my way to her in Turkey. She paid for the plane ticket so I couldn’t say ‘no.’

It was nice. I saw places that I’ve been wanting to see for some time now. I got to see family too. Had a lot of coffee and tea. Slept but not enough at times. Bought jeans. Spent money. Ya know, I vacationed. I had a great time. Next time, I would preferably like to have this planned will in advance. Lucky for me, my uncle had made plans to come to Turkey the same time, so my medication and extra clothes made its way to me. 

I’ll share pictures and write more about my Paris trip. Lemme get my life together too.

Update

Goals

Guys. I don’t have goals anymore. I don’t know what I want or where I want to be in my life in 5 years. I don’t have expectations. 

Is that weird? Most people are going to think and say, ‘I don’t have expectations for myself either.’ ‘I live day by day…blah blah blah.’ I’d say that too. I have said it or thought it but I literally have no expectations or have this idea of what I would want to see in this life of mine. This doesn’t mean I’m not happy with it. I am. It is t it is and I can only make the best of it. It doesn’t help that I don’t know what my recovery holds for my future. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what I can handle or can’t. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll react in situations. I don’t know what kind of a mind set or mood I’me in until I’m in it. Sometimes that doesn’t work well with who ever I with. It’s not pretty sometimes. But there are times that I am a total sweetheart. I don’t know what scenarios can happen. I simple don’t know who this person is. I have to relearn who she is and I don’t know how long that will take. I’ve written a post about it before I believe. I have to get acquainted with this new person in a short amount of time when it took me 25 years to get to where I was.

Another 25 years? That’s 50. Lol I’ll have my shit together when everyone is talking about retirement. It’s almost like a joke. 

I’ve been told that I haven’t changed and I’m the same person… Yes. I would like to be treated the same but there is so much that isn’t the same and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t say ‘a,b, and c’ is me. I can’t anymore. More often than not what I think I am I’m not anymor. It’s hard to come to terms with that. Just because I’ve been thrusted into this new life does not mean I know how to cope with the changes that I have been blessed with. Most people can’t cope with everyday changes and I’m supposed to have it together because I have no choice in the matter but to change. 

It’s tiring and I don’t have time to have expectations or goals for myself because well I feel quite awful when I can’t do whatever I set out to do. 

My therapist would probably tell me I should; everyone would tell me that. I dunno. Maybe I do have them I don’t realize it. All I want is to be able to enjoy every situation I’m in. Maybe I just don’t hold myself to standards as I used to…my mind has been a mess lately. One day I got it together and the next day I’ve got nothing.

At this moment, not to sound cheesy or anything, I just want to be happy with the people I love and care about. I just want everyday to be easier than the previous one. I have things I strive for, I suppose. Which is the the same as a goal…? Then my goals change everyday. I want something different for my future everyday. That may be the reason hey I feel that way.