Update

To Seda

This is for the cousin. The cousin who is like a little sister who is really the older, responsible one.

Breaking News: I’m on my way to NYC. On the train with my coffee. I put the coffee between my legs to get comfortable only to squeeze my caramel macchiato onto my pants. I’m currently cold and I’m gonna have a wet spot on my butt. Off to a great start.

Tonight is a paint party. It was supposed to be a surprise but obviously, not a surprise. A few of us are painting with drinks and food. Hopefully, a few laughs too.

Her birthday was Wednesday, the 13th. We had a little, baby surprise with just us family. It was cute in time for when she got home from work. We had cake, a photo shoot, gifts, and the obligatory game of Scrabble. I talked up a big game, messed up, and came last. It was pretty embarrassing lol. Thank goodness my cousins and sister aren’t in your face about your loss πŸ˜³πŸ™„.

Tonight, we create masterpieces and get drunk making them. That’ll happen to me, anyway…

Seda turned 25. The cursed 25. Seda! The night is dark and full of terrors.

Happy belated birthday!! Love you!

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Feelings, The new me, Update

I’ve been learning since, but it doesn’t mean I’ll float.

Some things are made a huge deal in my head and turn out to be the opposite. Which is great! But than again, was it worth making it a big deal? Is it better to be ready for the worst or is it better to be easy going about it? What’s going to cause me the least amount of stress?

I see it as I should be ready for the worst regardless of if it happens. Better safe than sorry, right? Why do I have to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster as if it is happening to me, at that moment? The act of preparing myself for the worst should decrease my anxiety, right? It doesn’t. I get worked up trying to make sure I have everything for later but I’m so worked up until whatever it is I’m waiting for, passes. I should be calm the whole time. I hate it.

This anxiety or whatever you want to call it, literally prevents me from sleeping and eating. You’re probably reading this and thinking I might be over exaggerating. This isn’t the case. I guess I could be but I don’t like sugar coating anything and I don’t just say something just because. This is what happens to me. I have always had thing anxiety, I believe. I knew how to cope with said anxiety. I knew how to respond to anyone that came around. I know how not to get too close to anyone. I knew better than to trust what was said. I knew what some meant because I know them. It’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating that I have fallen back to my middle school days. Moving to New York from Pennsylvania was tough. I left behind a school I was happy with and I had my best friends. I didn’t want to leave them. It was hard, to say the least. Anyway, I was stuck between the two states. I left behind friends that I tried to keep in touch with. I tried and they tried…it didn’t work out. I became a person that embraced the new friends and school but with hesitation. I made friends but it was just that. Friends at school. I made friends lol that happened 11th grade. I made friends I just didn’t get too emotionally involved. So if we grew apart, I didn’t get upset. It worked. What I’m getting at is I was learning how to keep the world at an arms length.

Now. lol I’m right back where I was in 2000. I have to relearn all that. It’s weird to relearn something you already know but it’s happening. My head and my heart is doing it all over again. I’m not ready for it all over again. I did better when I knew what I was putting myself through. I knew what to do with and where to put my anxiety. I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t know how to calm myself down or how not to get too close to people and things. I have no idea how to stress myself out less. Because of all this unpreparedness in my life I don’t want to leave the apartment. I’m not depressed…I don’t what you to think that I might be. No, not at all. I don’t know how to deal with the shit in my head and in situations that I’m no longer familiar with. I don’t know how to wing it. I can’t. I don’t like meeting new people because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want people I know either because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want to be in new places because I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m gonna feel.

All this uncertainty makes me want to do nothing.

I am, thought, pushing myself despite what I’m feeling. I know I’ll get through it. I won’t die. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t have everything. It’s alright if I don’t know someone. What people say, may just be words after all. I have to teach myself that I’ll be okay. I have to tell myself that it’ll be better than I thought.

Update

200mg

I’m gonna use this time to document what/how I feel after using 200mg of lamotrigine. I’m going to let you know how I feel for the next two weeks. I hope I don’t feel any different but I’m gonna assume that I won’t be a regular human being. We’ll see how things go.

I was supposed to start the higher dosage on Thursday, after my appointment with my neurologist…but I didn’t. I didn’t because I wanted to enjoy my friend Craig’s wedding on Sunday. I did have a blast and now it’s done. I’m home and I started taking the higher dosage tonight. I hope it doesn’t make me feel any different than I do now. Of course, I won’t know after a day or two.

In two weeks, I’m supposed to call and let the doctor know how things are going. I have a feeling that I’m going to be telling him that I hate how I feel overall. I don’t think it’ll be good. I’m gonna give it try and see what happens.

I feel like I’ve signed my life away but I’ll try to keep an open mind. I asked Matt and my parents to keep tabs on how I am. We’ll see…who knows? Maybe it won’t be bad at all or maybe I’ll hate every moment of it.

Apparently, no one liked me being emotional lol with that it kind of feels like no one ever liked my emotional self. Gotta make everyone else around me happy, right? Gotta bite the bullet and hope for the best. Who knows? Maybe I’ll like myself being someone else who isn’t me…

I understand why others might not want to be on mood stabilizers. You’re not ‘you.’ It’s hard to explain it to someone else who hasn’t been faced with it. Maybe that means there is something wrong?

I’m just gonna go with that no one liked me before or after. Heh. Whatever.

πŸ™ŒπŸ»wish me luck!

Update

Last night,

I went to my friend Craig’s wedding! I brought Jenn as my guest and had a great time. I was well fed (thanks, Craig and Sandra!) and had some dance moments that were naturally, the best.

I am extremely happy that these two wanted me to be there for this amazing moment in their lives. Never thought I would be but I’m glad I was!

When I go to weddings or anywhere for that matter, I don’t know how to take photos. I forget. When I do it’s because someone else has told me too. I prefer it when others take these pictures and send them to me. So thanks to Jenn we got some selfies in there but didn’t get any with the bride and groom or of the venue itself :/

Oh so my medication, Lamictal aka Lamotrigine, has been increased to 200mg. This happened on Thursday but I haven’t started it because I wanted to have a good time at Craig’s wedding. I wasn’t void of emotions…not yet. My neurologist asked me if what I was feeling was anxiety and not seizure caused. Got me thinking, naturally. I don’t know what it is. He said I should take it for 2 weeks, let him know how it is, and if it doesn’t work, he’d suggest I get admitted into the hospital for a few days to see what’s going on. I’ve been on Lamictal for a good year before it was determined that I might have seizures but I never had a traditional seizure.

It might not be a bad idea for this to happen. Of course, I’d be terrified but then again, we’d all know what is going on and I’d know what’s normal or not. I don’t know. Most is speculation, on my part. Maybe what I think is happening isn’t the case, right?

A part of me wants to do that so I can be put on medication that might not make me into this emotionless cardboard box. I’m not a person that feels nothing. I am the one that cries when she is sad. The one that yells, screams, and says what she wants. I don’t suppress feelings of anger, happiness, or sadness. I am the one with feelings. I want to enjoy my friend’s wedding. I don’t want to worry about whether or not I’m gonna have fun. Who worries about that?

I’m fine with 150mg of Lamictal/Lamotrigine. I still have a personality. I felt the best at 25-30mgs. I’m gonna call my doctor again this week and tell him all this. Maybe I’ll try to make another appointment for as soon as possible and get this all off my chest. I don’t like it. I want something else that maybe works with Lamictal. I’m being too picky but I want something that makes me feel best.

I’d tell someone else to do that. I should take my own advice.

clear the air, The new me, Update

Entitled

‘From their review of over 170 studies, the researchers found that entitlement creates a vicious circle:

1 Entitlement creates feelings of disappointment.

2 Disappointment leads to anger and other strong negative emotions.

3 The negative emotions require the person to reassure themselves they are special.’

The article I’m quoting is by PsyBlog. It’s a short piece. Before continuing this, give it a read. It might have you thinking about yourself…being honest with yourself and trying to be a better person isn’t a bad thing. Give it a try πŸ™ƒ

I don’t feel entitled. I don’t believe I am either. I’d guess that others wouldn’t say that about me but close family members might say ‘yeah. She might be.’ If you ask me that’s how I would respond with. Consciously, I’m not. Unconsciously, I might be. The things I say and do may not cry ‘entitled’ but underneath it all, that might be exactly what’s going on.

To respond to the three statements above:

  1. I do carry feelings of disappointment especially towards others around me.
  2. As a result, I do become angry towards said person. Strong negative emotions to the core.
  3. I always reassure myself that I am right and I am different therefore their reactions need to fit those differences.

So the question is: Do I think I’m entitled to certain things because of my accident?

Usually, when someone says on is ‘entitled’ they’re talking about material things that involve money. ‘I worked hard so I deserve…’ When you look at that, no I’m not entitled. What the article is talking about is more than that and I believe that’s what I’ve got going on with me lately.

‘I was in this accident; my world was turned upside down and everything is so different. I have to make all these changes without a choice.’ That’s the mindset I have going. If you’re a family member, it’s ‘if I have to change you have to’ and that usually follows with some statement about all this happening to me, I’m different. I deserve certain reactions and emotions from you. I can’t have you respond like a normal human being.

When I don’t get that, I get angry. I get angry because that’s not the reaction I deserve because of what happened to me. I believe this is a bit of a entitlement problem. It may not be clear or black and white but it’s there. Oh! At the end of these disagreements, I always start telling myself that I’m right and don’t deserve such reactions. The blame is shifted onto the other person without a thought. I can never be wrong because I was in an accident.

The hardest thing part of all this is admitting it to others or ‘out loud’ because admitting to yourself silently doesn’t mean change will happen. You then live in a state of denial and it’s easy to pretend you don’t do it. I’m writing about it. You’re reading this. I will put my tail between my legs and work on this. I will be kinder to others. I will remember that close friends and family are doing all they can. I’m not entitled to anything because of this. Everyone has gone above and beyond for me. I need to show more appreciation overall. I am humble but I’m humble to strangers and to those that aren’t around as often. I’m not humble when it comes to family. I have to work on this a bit harder because this doesn’t just involve me anymore; it involves everyone.

Oh and you’re not entitled to special treatment either. Is your name Mother Teresa? I didn’t think so. You know who else feels entitled? President Trump. But that’s for another time…

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday!

Public Service Announcement:

Don’t you dare look at the eclipse without proper glasses! I don’t need you to ruin your eye sight! Even for a second, don’t do it!

A Bahar explanation is this: the sky goes dark. Your retinas (the black part of your eye) gets big to see in the dark (that’s why owls have big eyes) and when the sun comes out within seconds, your eyes don’t have enough time to adjust. Your eyes in the back, that do all the work, burn. That’s why when the doctor puts those drops in your eyes to take a photo. Your internal structure of your eyes are out in the open and that’s also why you’re given some type of sun protection or asked to have someone else to drive you home.

Don’t be dumb. Don’t look at the sun. Just don’t. Sunglasses won’t work either.

Feelings, Update

Friends and Family

To friends and family members I've lost touch with and those who have tried to reach out in the past or recently, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we lost touch/I didn't do my part in the friendship. I know, I know…life gets in the way sometimes. We grow up and do bigger, better things. Naturally, people grow apart. That's okay.

There are old friends/family that tried to reconnect with me and I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry that you are no longer in my life. I'm sorry I didn't keep it up.

I appreciate everyone that came to the hospital or sent messages of love. My heart is so big. People from my past came out of the woodwork, individuals that I would have never expected anything from. It kills me that I don't remember everyone there or remember everything that was said or given to me.

My parents and sister have done the best they can to share what they do remember of February/March and onwards. There was a lot going on for everybody, not only for me.

I just wanted to use this post to thank everyone. Thank you driving up to Long Island from Pennsylvania and Middletown. Thank you for flying from Florida to see me. Thank you for making my family feel at ease. Thank you for the handmade gifts and gifts. Everyone knows me too well…Thank you for it all. Thank you for thinking of me even though we have nothing in common. I'm thankful for all that was done. I don't know how I could ever return the favor. Even though what you did was small in your eyes, it meant the world to me.

I have quite a few mandalas from those who got the chance to color one in for me. I have some cards. I have my Disney paraphernalia except the Belle that Stephanie gave me 😦 sorry Steph! I promise it was given a new home! ❤️

The world is small yet big. We're surrounded by all these people. There are people that think of you even if you don't think of them. People appreciate you more than you know it. Even if someone pisses you off they have a place in your life. Good or bad. Either way, appreciate them. You never know when that'll be the last time you share an interaction with that person. Unless they're a true psychopath or sociopath, everyone has some good in there somewhere.

Thank you and I love you. I, for real, do.

Funsies, Update

Happy 4th!!

Ahh! To be alive to see another 4th of July! I hope everyone had a stellar day! I spent mine in good company, at the pool, and played some Monopoly. Drove around and now, I stand with my parents waiting for the sun to set and fireworks to begin.

Here are some pictures of our firework show: 

So, it was brought to my attention that my next birthday will be my 30th. ::shudders:: I am no where close to where I thought I would be at this age. It’s fun while it lasted. I have years to catch up to everyone. Time will come. I can’t remember if I wrote about it before but we’re all headed to the same destination. I am just taking a different route to get there. There is still time for the big 3-0. I should just enjoy these days lol. 
Oh so I attempted to run at the gym last week. I did it twice. I tried running no more than a minute. I didn’t lol it was sad but I’m paying the price. My right knee is the weak one. When I walk up the stairs or do squats, my knee clicks. If I do a lot of squats my knee gets swollen and hurts a little. But running made it worse. 

I have to ice it. It burns and it feels big. But I want to tell you about what it’s like to ‘run.’ I can’t. My knees are insanely weak. After like 15 seconds, my knees buckle, I suppose. My knees turn into one another. 

I forgot to mention that I have to ice my ankles, too. They’ve been affected by the ‘run’ as well. My knees and ankles don’t know how to be knees and ankles. They are so weak. I don’t know how they carry my weight.

I want to run and get better at it because I want to be active. I want to get into running since I have to work on that anyway. I dunno if that makes sense. I just wanted to run. I want to do things that I can’t do. I hate that. But I wanted to become a runner. I still want to. When I go to see Dr. Berdia, I’m gonna ask for a referral for PT. Maybe they can teach me to run. My running dreams have been put on hold. 

I want to tell you about my Etsy shoppe. I wrote about it before. I’m asking those who read this, to check it out! I’m slow at updating and adding new listings. I’ve had the same listings for some time now…I’ve had 6 sales. If you see something you like, buy it 😁.  If you’ve got an idea, share it with us and we’ll do our best. I am slowly adding some artwork. 

Kaya Creationss is the shoppe. If buying wine glasses or Pinocchio isn’t your thing, well, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave comments on what you think we should add or subtract. What could be done better. Anything. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you guys!! 

Today, Update

In this moment

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating today! Bayraminiz mubarek olsun!! 😘😁Have a splendid day!  

Here we go talking about driving, feelings, and driving…again. It bothers me from time to time. I have my highs and lows regarding driving and other people. 

I miss driving. I have many moments where I wish so badly to have my car. I miss the freedom that comes with driving. I miss driving with the windows down. I miss the music blasting. I miss being alone and just driving for no reason. I miss calling Hazar and Onur to go where ever when no one else was available. I miss being the cool cousin. I miss not having to rely on others to get me places. I miss having people hang out with me because they want to; not making me feel like a burden. I miss planning things. I miss going wherever I wanted when I wanted. 

Knowing you can do whatever you want when you want it, allows you not to feel that you’ve missed something or have to do said thing. 

Everyone has choices. Everyone can do whatever they want, as well as I…but I have to wait for others. I long for the car rides I used to go on. 

It isn’t about physically going out, driving or going out to eat all the time; it’s about knowing you can, when you want. I guess you can say I miss having that option. 

Friends and family don’t understand why I jump to whatever it is they suggest without thinking twice. I look for those moments because I don’t get them often. I don’t get moments where you want to do something. 

I wish I could drive again and let me stop you. I don’t want to hear for the 737283 time that I can. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling me I can do something that I truest can’t. 

I can’t drive myself alone or with others in the car. Do you trust me to drive you around? Will you give me your car to practice in? I look like I can right? There is nothing more irritating…well, actually not being able to do it may be worse. Lol

clear the air, Today, Update

Question

I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Update

Been busy

I’ve been slowly getting busier with my stuff. It feels good. 

Dad’s been home since his accident. So, he’s home keeping himself busy with cooking and cleaning as much as he can. He’s also fasting during Ramadan so keeping busy passes time quicker than usual. While he’s been doing his own thing I’ve been doing my own…slowly. I like it. 

I’m working my way thru it all. Adding something new to do. I don’t want to freak myself out. I’ve been working on some art throughout the week. So far only one piece has been on the table. I’m being a perfectionist. It’s taking me forever to do one Mickey Mouse. 

It’s a Mickey Mouse picture that I had drawn in middle school. It was an Andy Warhol themed project. I did this in 7th grade (My Mickey Mouse obsession goes back to my toddler years). Every Mickey was a different color with different art material used. Right now I’m doing an acrillic one in his traditional color scheme, red, black and white. It’s not bad. When I’m done with them I’ll be putting them up for sale on Etsy. 

I’m debating whether or not I should frame them or not. I probably will. I have to commit. One commitment at a time. Can’t overwhelm myself. 

Jenn also suggested that I make wedding themed wine glasses. Which doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I have wine glasses that I haven’t done anything with yet. This week is Mickey, wedding themed glasses, and getting my glasses. 

I have yet to pick up my glasses from the eye doctor. It’s been like a month. It doesn’t help that it’s like 45 mins to an hour away. We get lazy. I get lazy and I have to ask someone to take me because dad can’t drive and mom is at work during the day. I got my eyes checked up on about a month ago. My eyes haven’t changed too much enough for me to notice. This pair of glasses will have regular lenses like others have and my prisms. It turns out that I’m near sighted. As I get older, things are changing. My mom and sister are. My father is a combination, I believe. Either way, I’ve caught up to the rest of the family. I’m no longer left out completely from the world and can relate to others πŸ™‚

Here is the latest version of Mickey: 

πŸ‘πŸ»