clear the air, Feelings

I forget

I was in a car accident on February 15th, 2013. I was driving my sister and I to work. I was rear ended in traffic. As a result, my injuries involved my head. My sister suffered a concussion, as well. 

Fast forward to 2017, I am better. I am a worlds away from 2013. I can walk and talk. I can laugh and cry. I’m not at my prime. I can’t do a large chunck of things I used to do or that you can do. It’s okay, tho. I try to make it work for myself. 

I walked away with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and an effect of that is short term memory loss. I have become very sensitive about this. It gets under my skin when my memory is challenged by, especially, someone that is supposed to know me or has some knowledge of my injuries. 

I understand the whole, ‘I’m not with you that often’ ‘I have a life that doesn’t always involve you.’ Trust me, I get it. But it’s kinda basic. This is the most uncomplicated problem I have. This doesn’t require a text book or doctor to explain to you what is going on with this brain injury. 

I have moments that are like Dory from Finding Nemo. You’re gonna say ‘that’s a movie,’ well, guess what? Shit like that happens. If you forget then why the hell am I held to the same standard you’re held at to remember?

Anyway, I repeat stories. I ask the same question, all the time. I don’t know what I last did with my glasses. I have to write things down. It’s to have said written thing at hand to make sure I have it at hand. I have to repeat things to have it in long term memory. Emotions I remember. A feeling I have is familar and brings back the memory. I’ll remember situations because I had a strong emotion tied to that moment. Strong feeling like sadness or anger. 

The reason for this post to explain that I’m starting to get angry when the person in front of me is talking to me like: ‘why don’t you remember?’ And they say it in a way or rather, the way I interpret is: ‘how can you forget something that just happened?’ I don’t appreciate it. It’s like a joke. No. I don’t remember. It would be nice to say it in a less demoning way. But hey, what do I know? How can I not remember? 

I’ve been taking great offense to this lately. The more it happens the more it upsets me. I do know that no one does it on purpose and they do forget, too. I understand that immensely. When I repeat myself don’t get angry and tell me I said that already. Don’t get frustrated. Without putting me down, gently, tell me that I told you already. Be nice about it. It can’t be a Duh moment became I don’t have those. 

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Funsies, Update

Happy 4th!!

Ahh! To be alive to see another 4th of July! I hope everyone had a stellar day! I spent mine in good company, at the pool, and played some Monopoly. Drove around and now, I stand with my parents waiting for the sun to set and fireworks to begin.

Here are some pictures of our firework show: 

So, it was brought to my attention that my next birthday will be my 30th. ::shudders:: I am no where close to where I thought I would be at this age. It’s fun while it lasted. I have years to catch up to everyone. Time will come. I can’t remember if I wrote about it before but we’re all headed to the same destination. I am just taking a different route to get there. There is still time for the big 3-0. I should just enjoy these days lol. 
Oh so I attempted to run at the gym last week. I did it twice. I tried running no more than a minute. I didn’t lol it was sad but I’m paying the price. My right knee is the weak one. When I walk up the stairs or do squats, my knee clicks. If I do a lot of squats my knee gets swollen and hurts a little. But running made it worse. 

I have to ice it. It burns and it feels big. But I want to tell you about what it’s like to ‘run.’ I can’t. My knees are insanely weak. After like 15 seconds, my knees buckle, I suppose. My knees turn into one another. 

I forgot to mention that I have to ice my ankles, too. They’ve been affected by the ‘run’ as well. My knees and ankles don’t know how to be knees and ankles. They are so weak. I don’t know how they carry my weight.

I want to run and get better at it because I want to be active. I want to get into running since I have to work on that anyway. I dunno if that makes sense. I just wanted to run. I want to do things that I can’t do. I hate that. But I wanted to become a runner. I still want to. When I go to see Dr. Berdia, I’m gonna ask for a referral for PT. Maybe they can teach me to run. My running dreams have been put on hold. 

I want to tell you about my Etsy shoppe. I wrote about it before. I’m asking those who read this, to check it out! I’m slow at updating and adding new listings. I’ve had the same listings for some time now…I’ve had 6 sales. If you see something you like, buy it 😁.  If you’ve got an idea, share it with us and we’ll do our best. I am slowly adding some artwork. 

Kaya Creationss is the shoppe. If buying wine glasses or Pinocchio isn’t your thing, well, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave comments on what you think we should add or subtract. What could be done better. Anything. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you guys!! 

Today, Update

In this moment

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating today! Bayraminiz mubarek olsun!! 😘😁Have a splendid day!  

Here we go talking about driving, feelings, and driving…again. It bothers me from time to time. I have my highs and lows regarding driving and other people. 

I miss driving. I have many moments where I wish so badly to have my car. I miss the freedom that comes with driving. I miss driving with the windows down. I miss the music blasting. I miss being alone and just driving for no reason. I miss calling Hazar and Onur to go where ever when no one else was available. I miss being the cool cousin. I miss not having to rely on others to get me places. I miss having people hang out with me because they want to; not making me feel like a burden. I miss planning things. I miss going wherever I wanted when I wanted. 

Knowing you can do whatever you want when you want it, allows you not to feel that you’ve missed something or have to do said thing. 

Everyone has choices. Everyone can do whatever they want, as well as I…but I have to wait for others. I long for the car rides I used to go on. 

It isn’t about physically going out, driving or going out to eat all the time; it’s about knowing you can, when you want. I guess you can say I miss having that option. 

Friends and family don’t understand why I jump to whatever it is they suggest without thinking twice. I look for those moments because I don’t get them often. I don’t get moments where you want to do something. 

I wish I could drive again and let me stop you. I don’t want to hear for the 737283 time that I can. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling me I can do something that I truest can’t. 

I can’t drive myself alone or with others in the car. Do you trust me to drive you around? Will you give me your car to practice in? I look like I can right? There is nothing more irritating…well, actually not being able to do it may be worse. Lol

clear the air, Today, Update

Question

I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Update

Been busy

I’ve been slowly getting busier with my stuff. It feels good. 

Dad’s been home since his accident. So, he’s home keeping himself busy with cooking and cleaning as much as he can. He’s also fasting during Ramadan so keeping busy passes time quicker than usual. While he’s been doing his own thing I’ve been doing my own…slowly. I like it. 

I’m working my way thru it all. Adding something new to do. I don’t want to freak myself out. I’ve been working on some art throughout the week. So far only one piece has been on the table. I’m being a perfectionist. It’s taking me forever to do one Mickey Mouse. 

It’s a Mickey Mouse picture that I had drawn in middle school. It was an Andy Warhol themed project. I did this in 7th grade (My Mickey Mouse obsession goes back to my toddler years). Every Mickey was a different color with different art material used. Right now I’m doing an acrillic one in his traditional color scheme, red, black and white. It’s not bad. When I’m done with them I’ll be putting them up for sale on Etsy. 

I’m debating whether or not I should frame them or not. I probably will. I have to commit. One commitment at a time. Can’t overwhelm myself. 

Jenn also suggested that I make wedding themed wine glasses. Which doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I have wine glasses that I haven’t done anything with yet. This week is Mickey, wedding themed glasses, and getting my glasses. 

I have yet to pick up my glasses from the eye doctor. It’s been like a month. It doesn’t help that it’s like 45 mins to an hour away. We get lazy. I get lazy and I have to ask someone to take me because dad can’t drive and mom is at work during the day. I got my eyes checked up on about a month ago. My eyes haven’t changed too much enough for me to notice. This pair of glasses will have regular lenses like others have and my prisms. It turns out that I’m near sighted. As I get older, things are changing. My mom and sister are. My father is a combination, I believe. Either way, I’ve caught up to the rest of the family. I’m no longer left out completely from the world and can relate to others 🙂

Here is the latest version of Mickey: 

👍🏻

Today

Dogs…cats…fish…

I’ve always wanted a pet. When I was little, my mom and dad said I can have fish. I remember crying a whole day because my mother told me I couldn’t bring the class pet hamster home for a weekend. I remember her saying ‘what if it gets lost in the house?’ I wasn’t happy and we came to a truce when they said I can have pet fish. 

I’ve had fish up until the last of them died after my accident. I had a Ciclic of some sort. Idr what kind specifically it was but we had gotten him because in a tank full of colorful fish he was the only black one. He was so cute. We got him when we still had a 10 gallon tank but as time went by he got bigger. We eventually had my aunt give us their 50? Gallon tank. It was big and suited him well. We couldn’t go too crazy with fish bc he was big. So we gotten a few here and there for the tank but they wouldn’t last long. We got another one of his kind but a yellow one. When grad school started I kind of wasn’t doing well with taking care of him. At that point my dad said he wasn’t going to take care of the tank anymore because I was home from college. Fair enough. My fish died soon after I came home from the hospital. After that I said I couldn’t take care of them anymore, so that was the end of the pet fish. Writing about it tho makes me wanna start again…

Anyways, I have been thinking about a pet a lot lately. I want everything. I want a pet dog. I want a pet cat. Today, I want a bird and tomorrow, I’ll want my fish back. I love animals. I want them all. I want a goat. I want two goats so they have each other as a friend. I want an animal but I don’t want their fur everywhere. I probably should do fish again. Idk. Lemme sit on that for a little. 

Going back to a dog. Today, I saw a number of service dogs. Got me thinking, why can’t I get one? For doing things on my own. To calm me down when I’m over whelmed in crowded places or traveling alone. When I don’t have someone with me at all times, why can’t I have a dog with me? I don’t have to train said dog. It’ll be trained already. I wanna cry thinking about having one lol. I’m ridiculous, I know. I’d always have a travel buddy. I have a buddy there with me when I can’t handle everyone or everything. Then I start to question: do I really need one or do I just want a service dog because I want a dog? I don’t know. I’ll have to sit on this for a bit as well…maybe I’ll just have my fish in the mean time. 

Now, I have to convince everyone in the household.

Update

Ahhh! 

So my best friend…my other half, is engaged! I’m talking about my dearest friend in the entire entire world, after my actual sister, is engaged to Mr. Dean Guiler! Finally!

I’m so happy that this day had come! It makes me very happy. I can’t wait to see what lies ahead of them and I can’t wait to party hard! 

Congratulations, dearest Jenn and Dean. I love you both, oh so very much ❤️I’m looking forward to your wedding…please, I don’t want to wait another 6 years for this to happen 😉

When will I get engaged or married? Not sure. Maybe when I’m like 32 or 33 lol hopefully sooner. Then again tho, I won’t be doing it ‘the right way.’ 😂 Gotta love religion and traditions…

I have been late with my entry because the only thing on my mind was Jenn’s engagement and I wanted to write about that. I had to wait for it to be announced on social media before I could write about it. And here we are. 

I’ve known Jenn since I’ve moved to this Island in 2000. I’ve known her for 17 years. Damn, that’s a long time. There are a few people that I’ve been friends with the longest and mean the world to me. She is one of them. 

Jenn has been there for so many things in my life. She’s been there for many milestones, good, bad and the ugly. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Here’s to another milestone. I couldn’t be happier that Dean is your person. He sort of is the best. Cheers to you both! The next time I have champagne will be at your wedding. 

Oh and Dean, it was a good call on your part not telling me before you proposed to her. I definitely would have spilled the beans. Jenn knows me too well to know when I’m keeping something from her and I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face, even thru text. I’m not even mad lol. 

Her ring tho 😍

I can’t even be jealous. I’m beyond happy. I’m not very good at expressing my joy. I don’t have enough adjectives to express myself. I wish I could just put a speaker phone in my head and have it play. 😆I don’t even know if that’ll be enough. 

Feelings, Today

Happy graduation day, Seda!


I am so proud of my baby cousin for what she has accomplished. I no longer hold the highest degree in the family. My reign ended this morning. It’s okay tho. I prefer it this way. 

This morning my cousin officially became an owner of a PhD. Pharmacist Seda. I like it. Congratulations! Today is a lovely day. 
At the moment, we are in upstate New York. I am tired. We were in the car around midnight. Drove all night. Well, I didn’t do the driving but I slept in the car. It wasn’t a great sleep by any means but better than nothing, I suppose. Nothing Starbucks can’t fix. I don’t know what is planned for the rest of the day after the ceremony but we’ll be busy with something. 

Right now, it is 10:10am. All I can think about is sleep and when I can get it. I’ll go back to last weeks post about ’13 Reasons Why’ and how I was able to relate to Hannah…

I’m here. I haven’t ever been suicidal or made attempts. Has it crossed my mind? Maybe. Out of anger. Out of spite. It was more of ‘what would they do?’ Not healthy. I’m aware. 

I can relate. Not in those terms above but when it comes to friends/family and how I feel I’m being treated by them. I haven’t been ostracized, slut shamed, or raped but I understood, I feel, the overall emotion the character was feeling. It’s not exact because no one can exactly feel what another is but you can get an idea based on your experience. 

Oh and spoiler alert, just in case. 

Hannah Baker was slut shamed by Jessica, her best friend. Before that, Jessica and Alex got together. They stopped hanging out or talking to Hannah, altogether. Hannah wasn’t invited or included in anything. When she did try to include the two of them it wasn’t welcoming. That I understood. 

Friends/people only think about their interests and what they want to do. They aren’t your baby sitters and you aren’t their main concern. She put others first because they were ‘friends.’ Hannah, to me, seemed like she was the character that put too much value on others; she trusted too many too quickly and got hurt when they didn’t reciprocate. They didn’t say or do anything to hurt Hannah on purpose or have the intent to but Hannah took it to heart. It’s just about a person caring way too much and everyone else being regular humans. 

Those that watched this show know that Hannah didn’t only kill herself because of what she explains in the tapes. There is more to what she blames others for. She is too sensitive for her own good. I dunno. I feel that I understood her sadness at times. Maybe nothing I said proves that I did get her. Maybe it’s just some projection going on. I dunno 😳

Feelings, Funsies, Today

13 Reasons Why

So this past week, I watched the Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why. 

I wanna start with schools and/or parents talking about how kids shouldn’t watch it. When it comes to the content they’re seeing, it isn’t quite appropriate. But as far as making suicide look good or what’s that word that has been used? I don’t remember it but it doesn’t do that. Suicide does not look good or appropriated. Either way, I don’t understand how this show makes suicide look good or look okay. 

I don’t understand why parents get all up in arms when they have to talk to their children about difficult topics. Talk to them. This show has a bit for everyone to take away from it. That includes the parents. Just because you’re good to your child doesn’t mean you know everything or that your child is okay. The point is, you shouldn’t ‘assume’ everything is okay with anyone. 

**Spoilers** warning for those who haven’t watched it and plan on watching it. 

This show gives you the opportunity to get  into the events and process an individual goes thru before committing to the act. 

Hannah felt shut out from friends. She felt left out, alienated. She felt alone. She wasn’t seen by others as a decent person. She was seen as a slut, easy, a drama queen, or just a overwhelming person overall. Not many liked her like she would have liked. She gave people chances even tho she knew better. She got raped when she least expected. She witnessed a friend get raped yet did nothing. Not doing anything would eat at anyone that isn’t a psychopath. There are people that have gone thru said things that haven’t killed themselves. I get that. That isn’t the point. 

The point is that any little moment can break someone. A situation that doesn’t break you might break me and vice versa. All stories are different. We understand things differently. With that, parents could use this show to open up the dialog between them and their children that they didn’t have before. Parents, be your child’s therapist. Listen to them without judgment. Let them come to you without judgment. Don’t assume that they’re okay because they haven’t come to you. They may never come to you. 

This show also shows the consequences that come with the tapes left by Hannah. One of the characters shot himself because of all that happened since the tapes came out. The way he was treated and the way others were being treated. Some process things differently. Another character has plans for the characters that made fun of him throughout the movie. 

I don’t know. There was a lot more going on in the movie aside from the suicide. There’s so much happening with each character. It’s more than Hannah. She was selfish in that she didn’t think about how everyone react or feel after listening to her tapes. There is so much to think about. This show didn’t glorify suicide. 

In fact, I believe it showed the viewer all the shit one is leaving behind for everyone else to clean up. Oh and if your child doesn’t see that, maybe they shouldn’t have watched the show at all.  That is all on you, parent. If your teenager doesn’t see that suicide isn’t the answer, you should change your relationship with said teenager and again, that’s on you, parent. 

I don’t see why anyone can’t watch it. The show does have graphic scenes and scenes that might be sensitive for some or be triggers for them. Idk if that’s even right; the way I’m explaining it. But you get it. Something can be learned by this show. It’s doing it’s job. It had everyone talking about suicide, rape, and bullying. That was the goal, right? 

I do, in the end, believe that everyone should watch it. I believe it was done well. At times I could relate to Hannah. Other times I couldn’t. But I can understand how or why she might feel what she feels. I can feel some of the characters sadness or frustration. Other characters I just couldn’t relate to at all. 

I can go on and on about this show. Maybe next week, I’ll talk about how I could relate at times to Hannah. Until then…

Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready.