Update

Slow down

Getting older is no joke. I now understand what the adults in my life meant when they said “don’t grow up” or “time flies” or “stop growing up.” Time, for real, speeds up when you get older. The day goes by so fast. Sometimes I don’t understand how it got to be 5pm. I remember being in elementary school and it took…forever…for the day to end and I can go home. Time doesn’t move when you’re much younger.

I went to France and Turkey. I spent 3 weeks in two countries and it wasn’t enough time there. In France, we did a lot but when I look back in a day we didn’t do too much with our day besides just going to the Eiffel Tower. Time is precious when you get older.

I’m sure there is some scientific explanation for all this. I don’t want to look it up (Here’s looking at you Chuck). I dunno what it is or how it is. I have an idea but the simplest thing I can say is that a kid hasn’t seen or done much (not that I have). Everything a kid does is new. Every situation is new and the interaction with others are new. As an adult, these aren’t new. We don’t have a lot of new information being processed by our brains.

My brain, however, as it heals, gets super tired. It gets tired because it’s constantly working to get better and a kid’s brain is growing. Our brain’s are at constant work.

When I’m in a situation that I’m not ready for or is new in any way, time doesn’t move fast enough. It becomes the longest gathering when there is a lot of new information much like when a child goes to school. They’re learning and everyday it’s a new topic. Time doesn’t move fast enough when your brain is tired.

The first example about France and Turkey doesn’t go with this because, even for a child, when you’re excited about a situation time flies. Time flies when you’re having fun but what I’m talking about is with the day in general.

It’s Saturday today and the next thing I know, it’ll be Wednesday and I don’t get how or when that happened. It would be nice if I actually did something with those days that passed. Summer is gonna be here like tomorrow and March is already half way done. I wanna do all these things in my day but I keep saying “tomorrow.” The next thing I know, it’s been two weeks that I have been saying that. At that point, I haven’t done what I set out to do.

It’s been 4 years and I’m still trying to get my life together. Here’s to getting older!

To Joey and Erin, Congratulations on your new addition to the family! She is gorgeous! Good job guys! 🙂

Update

Tarkan!

I’m so glad we listened to the world telling us to go see Tarkan at Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan. I am so, so, so, happy.

Nese (sister), Seda (cousin) and I went into the city on Thursday night to see our favorite Turkish artist, Tarkan. Everyone is his fan, all over the world…not only in Turkey. He finally made it here to the United States to bless us with his presence. I had so much fun and I am guessing that everyone there had fun too. Nese, Seda, and I danced the whole night didn’t care if anyone saw or thought of us. I didn’t care. I was seeing Tarkan.

We bought general admission tickets. We stood in the crowd, took our pictures, and then we eventually made it into the back of the crowd to better enjoy the music and to dance. Dancing in a crowd is hard lol. We had our drinks before so our hands were free to do what they do best…be thrown around like a mad monkey and the other two were probably no different than I. I really can’t be sure since my eyes were shut when dancing.

There were many people we knew at the concert…between Facebook and Instagram we found out after the fact. We did get the pleasure to spend some time in the crowd with our cousins. We don’t have those moments often…got to appreciate it when it does happen, right?

Tarkan is pretty well known in Turkey and the rest of the world…not so much here in the States. They tried to get his music here. They had his more well known song, Simarik, or the Kiss Kiss song, here but I doubt anyone remembers. It was sung by a woman, I believe.I remember the song being on the radio.

I also remember the time Nese and I heard the instrumental version of the song being played in Morocco at Epcot in Disney. We ran to go dance and sing the song ourselves from the crowd. That was the last time Nese and I went there before the accident. We had a Casabona-Kaya sibling trip to Disney.

Here is the the song I’m talking about… Tarkan- Simarik

…and here are some photos of Thursday night’s concert:

Good times…Onto the next one!

Update

Back to life

It’s been what? Two weekends since I’ve been back… from my travels. I was gone for three weeks? It feels like I haven’t been in this hemisphere for 3 years. It’s an odd feeling and most of you are gonna say, ‘the same happens to everybody…blah blah blah.’ Fine. lol It happens to everybody.

I went to Paris for a week and went to Istanbul for another two weeks. I came home the Sunday before my birthday. The plane made it home so all was good. 😀

I saw places. I saw things. I saw family. I saw a lot. I’m surprised my brain is still functioning… I am still feeling the effects of going everywhere.

I have to get myself in order. I need to get back into some routine because I feel like I’m about to fall apart. And when I say ‘fall apart’ I mean have a meltdown/anxiety attack/freakout/whatever you want to call it, I’m on the brink. I have been feeling as if I am on the edge. As if I’m playing Russian Roulette; I don’t know when the ‘gun’ will go off. I don’t even know what the ‘gun’ is.

I need to take a deep breath and take it easy. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not the end of the world if I didn’t do something; to just breathe. I have these high expectations. I only do it to myself and I need to cut myself a break.

Oh yes, my birthday brought in the 4th anniversary of the infamous accident and brought in the 3rd birthday of this blog. I’m not sure why I still have this because the world is over it…At this point, this is for me. I am writing this blog for myself and no one else. I feel like I have things to do with this blog. It makes me feel good. I feel productive…but at some point I will run out of things to write about. My recovery is something that will go on forever but I feel as though I’m at a constant…dunno if that is the right word but you get it.

In the mean time, while I figure this blog life out, here are some photos to feast your eyes on.

 

Update

I’m back

I’ve returned to the United  States. I’m tired still from my travels. I have to get my life back in order. It’s only been 3 weeks of being away. Doesn’t seem much at all but it is. It’s a lot. 

I had a system of how I do things and some of it seems to be a bit tricky to get back in the groove. It seems like it’s gonna take a bit of time. Nothing happens over night, right?

I’ve spent a week in Paris. Spent two weeks in Istanbul. I was able to spend the amount of time in these places because I do not have a job like most people do in this world. A week in Paris was in the plans already. We went there. Saw what we could in this wonderful city. Then Grandma wanted me to make my way to her in Turkey. She paid for the plane ticket so I couldn’t say ‘no.’

It was nice. I saw places that I’ve been wanting to see for some time now. I got to see family too. Had a lot of coffee and tea. Slept but not enough at times. Bought jeans. Spent money. Ya know, I vacationed. I had a great time. Next time, I would preferably like to have this planned will in advance. Lucky for me, my uncle had made plans to come to Turkey the same time, so my medication and extra clothes made its way to me. 

I’ll share pictures and write more about my Paris trip. Lemme get my life together too.

Update

Goals

Guys. I don’t have goals anymore. I don’t know what I want or where I want to be in my life in 5 years. I don’t have expectations. 

Is that weird? Most people are going to think and say, ‘I don’t have expectations for myself either.’ ‘I live day by day…blah blah blah.’ I’d say that too. I have said it or thought it but I literally have no expectations or have this idea of what I would want to see in this life of mine. This doesn’t mean I’m not happy with it. I am. It is t it is and I can only make the best of it. It doesn’t help that I don’t know what my recovery holds for my future. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what I can handle or can’t. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll react in situations. I don’t know what kind of a mind set or mood I’me in until I’m in it. Sometimes that doesn’t work well with who ever I with. It’s not pretty sometimes. But there are times that I am a total sweetheart. I don’t know what scenarios can happen. I simple don’t know who this person is. I have to relearn who she is and I don’t know how long that will take. I’ve written a post about it before I believe. I have to get acquainted with this new person in a short amount of time when it took me 25 years to get to where I was.

Another 25 years? That’s 50. Lol I’ll have my shit together when everyone is talking about retirement. It’s almost like a joke. 

I’ve been told that I haven’t changed and I’m the same person… Yes. I would like to be treated the same but there is so much that isn’t the same and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t say ‘a,b, and c’ is me. I can’t anymore. More often than not what I think I am I’m not anymor. It’s hard to come to terms with that. Just because I’ve been thrusted into this new life does not mean I know how to cope with the changes that I have been blessed with. Most people can’t cope with everyday changes and I’m supposed to have it together because I have no choice in the matter but to change. 

It’s tiring and I don’t have time to have expectations or goals for myself because well I feel quite awful when I can’t do whatever I set out to do. 

My therapist would probably tell me I should; everyone would tell me that. I dunno. Maybe I do have them I don’t realize it. All I want is to be able to enjoy every situation I’m in. Maybe I just don’t hold myself to standards as I used to…my mind has been a mess lately. One day I got it together and the next day I’ve got nothing.

At this moment, not to sound cheesy or anything, I just want to be happy with the people I love and care about. I just want everyday to be easier than the previous one. I have things I strive for, I suppose. Which is the the same as a goal…? Then my goals change everyday. I want something different for my future everyday. That may be the reason hey I feel that way.

The new me, Today, Update

New year, new beginnings

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New year’s Eve/day! Two weeks have gone by and a lot happened already. Holidays have passed and a new year has made its way into our lives. Of course, I also hope Hanukkah was even better than the year before! 

I love all my friends and family; past, present, and future. I cannot express how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if I was bad at keeping up with you. Every now and again you do cross my mind. I do wish we still talked and kept in touch. You are the part of the reason I am the person I am today and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I might be out spoken and straightforward. I may be over bearing at times. I at times seem impossible. I’m sorry. 

One of my goals for this new year is to not let my stubbornness get the best of me. I’m gonna try and be less petty. I never thought I was but I am. I will wait years to tell you what you did wrong to me in similar situations you have with someone else. Lol I’m so petty it’s unreal at times. Either way, I’m working on making this change. It’s definitely gonna be a slow change. It’s unrealistic to give myself only a year for this change but the first step is the hardest. So, here I go. 

Being stubborn is something that only affects me. That’s what I’ve been told many times. No one notices what I’m doing. No one cares that much lol. Being stubborn affects no one but me. This needs to go. Again, not gonna happen over night but I have to start somewhere…right?

New year’s resolutions won’t happen over night. People seem to have high expectations of themselves… I sure do. Start with small changes. You will have off days. Give yourself some leeway but that doesn’t mean you give up. No. That means you must had a bump in the road. That’s all. 

I try to have this mind set for myself. I’m not gonna lie… It’s very hard. Changes don’t happen because we don’t want to put in the work it requires. It does take work. Sometimes I get tired of all the forced changes I have to make. It’s very hard. I get tired. I want a few days of not thinking. I don’t want to ‘work’ all the time so I have a few days for myself of doing nothing. It helps. It makes it easier to pick up where you left off and keep going. This doesn’t mean that failure took place but rather a break. A small break from whatever it is you were trying to change or do. Maybe a break is what you needed. Nothing wrong with that. 

Change is hard. I was forced into change but it doesn’t make it any easier either. Where all on the same path but in different vehicles. I’m getting there differently than everyone else. The changes that were forced on me come with its own issues. All these changes I wasn’t nearly ready for. I have to learn how to cope with it all. I have to make adjustments accordingly. What I thought I knew; doesn’t apply anymore.

None of it is easy. I’m just taking a different car. A rusty one. One that needs to be fixed along the way. I’ll meet you at the end but a bit later than you. No big deal. I’m okay with it. I’ll be okay if no one is there either. Life moves forward with or without you. Whether you like it or not. 

Your resolution may be to loose weight but don’t hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Losing weight takes a good year. It’s a slow process but it will show itself. Give it time. This seems to be a common resolution that’s why I used it but it applies for any resolution you may have. I have faith in you. I know you can do it. It’s not only about resolutions either. It’s any promise you make yourself throughout the year. 

Remember: Change is difficult for EVERYONE. Start small and work your way up. It will happen. It’ll be slow and that’s okay. No one notices the mess ups as much as you do. Don’t hold yourself up to unrealistic expectations. Be good to yourself. 💕

Update

Perfect day for snow

I haven’t been feeling well since yesterday. I feel like when I was younger and stayed home from school because I was sick but for some reason, it was even better when it snowed. I don’t know. When you think about it, if I’m sick, I wasn’t going outside. Just how life works when you’re a child.

My whole body hurts. It hurt when I laid down to sleep. Every time I turned in my sleep I woke up. I need a shower bad at this moment but washing my hands it’s uncomfortable. I should be going to the doctor’s. I should have went yesterday but I thought I’d be feeling better by now (usually works that way). I suppose I could go to the Urgent Care facilities. Maybe I’ll do that…

I want cookies. I want to bake something but I should probably rest? There are so many things I want to do. This especially happens when I get sick. It’s the side effect of being sick. It automatically triggers boredom. Sitting on this chair at this moment hurts. Ugh…getting sick when you get older is the worst. It isn’t fun to stay home anymore.

I have been thinking about our Etsy Shop. I do all this thinking but nothing comes of it. I don’t know how to get these glasses sold. The requests we’ve gotten has been word of mouth. Those don’t go through the shop so it looks like we haven’t sold anything and as a result, we haven’t gotten any reviews. It’s a hard life trying to get something sold and get your name out there. We want to sell other things besides wine glasses. I should stop being lazy and get my art going. Maybe pick out some pieces that I’m proud of or work on something so it’s better looking? That’s what I’ll be doing today. Be in pain, work with my art and have cookies…More like have someone bring me cookies… 😀

Thanks guys for listening today! Here is the link for our Etsy shop… If you’d be a doll and share some thoughts with us. Things you like so far and don’t. What would you be interested in seeing in the shop? How are the prices (this has been my biggest problem)? Please, any feedback would be fabulous.

Update

Lamictal 2.0

The weekend has come to an end. We have lived to see another day. How amazing is that? I think it’s a sweet victory that should be celebrated with a quick nap! 

I’ve been going back and forth with my medication. It’s a love hate relationship we have. At this moment, I love it. 

The 125mg of Lamictal or rather, Lamotrigine, is a nice compromise. Any more than this I don’t want it and hopefully I won’t need another increase. I have feelings like a normal human being. I can cry. I laugh and feel the joy that comes with it. I get angry or annoyed but can put that aside if I want to. I feel like I have a choice about what I want to feel. I don’t feel like a robot. I don’t feel like there is this black cloud following me around. I feel good. 

I feel like I’m in a better place than I have been. I enjoy what I’m doing. I enjoy my alone time as well as doing something. I enjoy the people for being around. I feel. That’s all it is really. I’m happy to just feel. I feel loved and loving someone else. I feel sad or angry. I feel joy. I don’t know how else this can be explained to someone who hasn’t been on some kind of medication like that. 

I get it. I understand why people don’t want to be on their bipolar medication or medication in general. Everything they know about themselves don’t exist. They don’t have the emotions that is them. They don’t feel anything. There is nothing called ’emotions.’ You become this robot and I can imagine how difficult it is to have someone in front of you not believeing a word you say about it. That’s when individuals stop taking their medication. All because they simply don’t feel like themselves. 

My situation is nothing compared to many in hospitals or homes but it’s something. No matter how small it still gave me an idea of what it might feel on a bigger scale. Feeling as frustrated as I did I can only imagine what others may feel. It’s got to be incredibly frustrating. Especially when you can’t even explain to the person what’s going on. The frustration I feel just thinking about it is nothing to what others must feel. 

There are different sides to every situation. Always. On a personal level it has to be insanely frustrating for all parties involved but I can understand the patients a bit better than before. 

Feelings, Today, Update

The holiday season is here!

Let the holiday season begin! Well, it started already lol I’m a bit late…

I imagine shopping at your computer in the comfort of your own home being the best option. More and more choose to do just that. I rather be in my pajamas while shopping 😀 Bring on the holiday movies! Oh and the hot chocolate 🙂 

Didn’t have any customers at our Etsy shoppe but we will one day! Gotta stay positive, Right?

I seem to get bummed when I don’t have people reading my blog…I didn’t think I’d have that reaction but I want people to read it. I feel like I don’t have interesting things to write about or I’m boring people. Lol. I dunno. I’m bummed. 

I guess people aren’t going to be *too* into it when you’re just complaining about life or talking about things that go on in everyone’s lives. 

It’s hard work coming up with stuff to write about that will keep people interested. I can barely keep up with having an entry written the same day and time every week. That may be why people lose interest? I need to be consistent. 

I’m not sure how bloggers do their thing. How they come up with new ideas that are interesting to their readers. 

I have started so many things and have many ideas. I do it for a little bit and then I try to change it or ‘make it better.’ That causes me not to be as committed to it. I put it off and the next thing I know, I’ve failed…myself. Lol I’m hard on myself. Totally aware of it 😀

I just want better habits. I need to make my own goals important. I need to do it without putting thought into it. I wish habits became habits over night. 

That’s one thing I miss after coming home from the hospital three years ago. If I thought of something, I did it. I had to because I ran the risk of forgetting or not doing that task at all. Now? I’ve progressed. I am better. But I did not make this into a habit. I didn’t realize what I was doing and what it meant. 

I still forget. I have learned ways to cope with forgetting. I have ways to help so I don’t have to rely on my memories 100%. I don’t have an excuse. But I am finding that even though I don’t have an excuse, I bypass whatever I had planned. 

Maybe that’s a good thing that I can go off course? I dunno. I have learned that it’s not the end of the world if I do go off course. Maybe that’s why I do that. It isn’t a bad thing but I get disappointed in myself when I haven’t done the things I intended to do; I didn’t prioritized the things that are important to me. 

That then has me questioning whether or not what I think is important is truely important. I keep going back and forth about this. I have been trying to make sense of everything out but it’s hard. And I know, I know, ‘no one has life figured out.’ Were on the same course, you and i, in boats. It seems like we have the same boat but we don’t. My boat has been thru a hurricane. It brought me this far but it’s been places your boat hasn’t been. 

It is what it is and I’ll figure it out one day. I’ve got plenty of days to figure it out. Or I shouldn’t get stuck on it? Enjoy those days instead because I don’t know how many days are left in this game called Life. 

Funsies, Update

Thanksgiving 2016

Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone!

All of the country, everyone ended their dinners and headed out to get a start on their Christmas shopping…with the help of black Friday. I did not enjoy this black Friday because I did not have said funds to enjoy it.

There is always next year and for the ones that do not like venturing out into the world for discounts, they have Monday to get discounts from the computer. I don’t have funds for either day but I will be promoting my Etsy store, Kaya Creationss, for Monday. Yes, we have two ‘S’s because there was another Kaya Creations on Etsy. So, we had to go with an extra ‘s.’ I don’t mind for now.

We have a Cyber Monday code available for all those looking for a different take on their gifts; anyone that’s tired of the same ol’ gifts, come on down! We are still working out some kinks and trying to get more items listed at the shoppe. Slowly but surely we’ll get there, right? Better late than never…

If you are interested, visit and take a stroll at our Etsy shoppe.

We enjoy making custom pieces, so don’t be shy to shoot us a message. We don’t mind at all and we are totally willing to work with you on whatever idea you’ve got! My sister and I enjoy this part the most. Our prices for the custom pieces might be a bit much for some but I promise it’ll be worth it! I will be adjusting some of the prices for some items but for now enjoy this code for 40% off for Monday: CYBERMONDAY16

Make sure you enter the code at checkout as it won’t be added automatically. Oh and don’t forget to follow us on the Facebook and Instagram to stay up to date! You can contact us via Facebook, Etsy or by sending us an email at kayacreationss@yahoo.com. If you have a bulk request, we can work that out too! I don’t think I forgot anything…If I find that I did, I will let you know.

Now, back to the scheduled programming…

Thanksgiving was a good one. I spent it at my aunt and uncle’s house. We had our turkey and us cousins played Settlers of Catan. I never win in that game but I enjoy it regardless. Dinner was delicious, as per usual. Nothing too crazy. Was in good company for Thanksgiving. Always a fabulous time.

I forgot to update you guys on my latest neurologist appointment! I saw Dr. Berdia last Thursday. I told him about the few baby seizures I had. I told him about what was going on at the time, how I felt, and what was happening to me. He told me that my medication had to be increased whether I liked it or not. This time he didn’t bring me to the 150mg but wanted to see how I’d do with 125mg instead. Instead of taking half in the morning and the other half at night; he told me to take 50mg in the morning and 75mg at night. He said he wanted to see how I did with that before changing my medication completely. So far so good! I feel human. My emotions are still functioning normally. I don’t remember how long it took for me to get to the point of being a robot but right now, I’m awesome. Cross my fingers I don’t have a focal seizure at this dosage. I won’t be happy and my meds will have to change. :/ We will see…In the mean time, I will continue to be hopeful! I’ll see him in March next; I’ll keep note of any changes.

Well, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I hope that you got the deals that you wanted! <3.