Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready. 

Feelings, Today, Update

So far so good

Update: My dad is doing really well with his physical therapy and occupational therapy. He’s gotten used to walking with his walker. He wants to get better quick. Lol he doesn’t like being stuck in one place for too long. He’s gonna get bored sitting at home with me. But I’ll have a friend during the day to enjoy coffee with. My grandmother, hopefully, is flying to America on Tuesday. If she stays with us during her stay, she’ll be hanging with us too. It’ll be good. 

All is well in my world. Since my dad’s ordeal, I haven’t been occupied with my own thoughts long enough. It’s not just my father, I guess, I’ve been preoccupied with getting our apartment together before grandma gets over, if she decides to. We want to be ready and be relaxed when we’re home. 

Let’s be real for a few. My best friend is moving to New Jersey; May 1st. I know, I know. It isn’t far. No, it isn’t. It’s different. He won’t be around and easily accessible anymore. When I miss him, I have to plan to see him. He’s gonna be making the drive a lot, it seems. We’ll see how it goes. 

I’ve been so confused about my life. I’ve written a post about what I want to do and what I expect. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do about it. I don’t know anything. I say I know one day and the next I think about it. I somehow decide that it doesn’t seem possible now and give up on that goal for next time; when I can do something about it. 

I was talking about art therapy last night because I was going through notes and books. I didn’t want to get rid of any of them but I couldn’t hold on to them especially if I wasn’t planning on doing anything in the near future with them. Then I started thinking about if I wait then everything I know will be updated in some way. I don’t have experience so if I look for a job later they won’t consider me because I haven’t got the hours in to be considered as an option. All these factors I have to think about. The pros and cons are weighed; what’s worth the time. Am I dedicated? Am I looking for ways out? Am I willing to push myself? Can I do a lot more than I believe or think? Is what I’m thinking a possibility? The real question for me is: can I actually make it through? Will I survive the hours of work? Will I over work myself? 

All those questions and more go through my head about everything. These are constant about anything and everything in my life. These are the type of things that keep me up at night. These questions are why I doubt myself. 

Thank you for listening. 

                 ‘You asked me for space’

Today, Update

Delay

I apologize for the delay. A lot has been going on this passed week. Where to begin?

I was supposed to go see my good friend Joey last weekend. Good thing I cancelled that (sorry Joe). On 4/9/17, my father got hit by a car at work. 

Right now, I don’t have anything else really going on. That’s on everyone’s mind. Well, my mom, sister, and I. That and the apartment. All they did was put new windows in like a month ago. The apartment is a mess and we’re quickly trying to get it together before my grandmother comes to the States on the 25th. 

My father got moved to a hospital closer to home, St. Charles. That’s the hospital that I was transferred to after Stony Brook back in the day. He’s doing well. The first few days he was feeling nauceous because of a concussion. His ear was kinda detached from the back. They had to stitch that up. His pelvis is broken right where his right hip is. His hip hurts. He can’t put wait on it. So walking is a challenge. Surgery is done, apparently, on the pelvic bone in extreme circumstances. My dad’s was not that situation. With that, he has to take it easy. Pain management is his treatment at the moment. One day at a time. 

Today, we had someone quickly paint the living room and hallway. Now, we wait for that to dry and things will start to come together…I hope. 

I’ve got many things to do. I have to get myself together and do things during the week. I need wine. That’s what I’ll be doing. Cleaning and sipping on some Sauvignon Blanc. That sounds like a plan to me! Just have to get it…

I don’t remember when I changed my allergy medication to see if something else worked. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. It doesn’t. My doctor had written me a prescription for the new allergy medicine, Xyzal. I hadn’t heard of it at that point so why not? 

Mistake. Everything about it was a mistake for me. My sinuses have been HORRIBLE. I feel like my eyeballs are gonna pop out. My face is in constant pain. I feel nauseous. I can’t move my head too fast because than I’ll vomit. Everything hurts. I wake up nauceous and with that I just want to sleep it off but there isn’t anything to sleep off. It sucks. Monday I will call my doctor to write me a prescription for Zyrtec because it’s cheaper that way. That’s the plan for the start of next week. 

I have to get the kaya creationss order done and sent out this week too. I’ll be working on that during the week as well. I’ve got some things to do in the coming week. Again, before grandma comes to visit. We’ll see, maybe my dad will be home by the end of the week, once they teach him how to climb stairs. 

Update

Where are you nice weather? 


Couldn’t have asked for a better picture with my dear sister. 🙃😂😘

I want nicer weather than what have at the moment. It’s grey and rainy. Well it stopped raining at the moment but still yucky outside. Makes you wanna stay home in your pjs and binge watching Netflix. Alas, today isn’t one of those days. 

Today only began and I’m already wishing I was asleep in bed. My eyeballs are burning. Lol when doesn’t that happen? Never. I took day quil because I felt shitty when I woke up this morning. I felt like that yesterday too. My body feels sore and achy. I’m stupid cold and my throat feels sore-y. 

We’ll see what happens with that. 

So my sister went to Florida and I am super jealous already. Hasn’t even been a day and I wish I was there. Obviously guys, Disney is calling my name and I told my sister that she better think twice about going without me. If she does, she better feel super guilty about it. lol that’s what I hope for. lol I’m not very nice about this. 

Oh and Key West. I’d love to go there again. It’s so cute and little there. Key West is a place where you can relax, eat good food, and just have a good time. It’s an easy vacay. 
Well, this summer will be good if I have people to travel with and want to travel. I’m not doing that alone again especially not spontaneously. I need to plan it either way. I need more friends than I have lol 

‘Till the next vacay…here’s to the next summer! 

Funsies, Today, Update

Now what

What do I do? I don’t know what to do with my day sometimes. I feel like I should be doing something worth it in my day. 
Something worth it or productive could be anything, you say. Yes. It can be anything that is deemed ‘worth it’ by me. That can be anything from taking a shower or drawing to making dinner for the family with the slow cooker. These aren’t nothing, I know but it’s not fulfilling. 

Why does everything have to have a meaningful purpose? Why am I trying to put anymore worth in what I do? I am very aware that what I am doing is more than anyone expected and that I am doing so well…I want to do something that has more of a meaning. 

I want to help people. I want to change someone’s life for the better. That’s what I want. I have this longing to do more but nothing I’ve done has made me feel complete thus far. 
I keep looking for it and I’m falling short. I don’t know how to find it. Maybe volunteering is where it’s at. Maybe I need to finally do it. I need to stop being lazy and look stuff up. 

Ugh. On to another topic…Bates Motel. There are five more episodes till the series end. My sister and I caught up this passed week. Despite my frustrations and yelling at the TV, I enjoyed the show. Any show in which I hate several characters; I keep watching it regardless. Norman Bates is straight up out of his mind. Norma is just as crazy. It’s leading us to the Norman Bates we all know from Psycho. Which I like. I’ve never seen Psycho because obviously,  I’m scared lol. I will now.  I want to see what happens after the show is done. I’ll let you know how it goes with that movie. I feel like the scary scene is the shower scene in the beginning of the movie. I know it’s coming and it won’t be for long. ::Spolier alert:: We all know Norman is Norma and she is in the house. 

What a mess that guy is. Lol

Funsies, Today

Do things

Everyday is becoming more boring than the day before m. Is this what it means to be an adult? Probably not…

I don’t know how long this doing nothing will go. I’m not quite sick of it yet but I’m getting there? Volunteering might be the next best thing. I won’t be getting paid but not everything is about getting paid. I need to get to work status and volunteering might be it. I might try the St. Charles hospital for realsies this time. Maybe the hospital closer would be a nice start. I can walk there from home and get that going too. We’ll see. I have these ideas but it doesn’t go anywhere. 

I feel like I have no time for anything tho. I get excited to do something out of the ordinary that I forget about all the goals I set for myself. 

Ugh. I hate how I function sometimes. When that happens and I come back to real life I look at the time; somehow it’s midnight. Got to be kidding me. 

Oh! Time for the movie review! lol I saw the live action Beauty and the Beast. All that know me know this movie is my favorite. If there is a movie that I know a lot of the words and the songs to, it’s this one. 

I loved it. I loved the new songs. I like that they gave the Beast more of a story. I like that it was obviously longer. I liked that they changed some of the songs. 

This really isn’t a movie review. It’s more me talking about how much I loved this movie. Every character had more to them as well. I absolutely couldn’t get enough of Le Fou. 

Gaston was a good looking man. He wasn’t as annoying as the animated version. I hate his cartoon face. Real life Gaston gets two thumbs up. 😘
The Beast was smaller than I thought he would be. He was more human with emotions. 

A lot of the words were the same! I knew them too. I’m glad they didn’t make it exactly the same. Kept me interested. I wanna see it again! Maybe today 😉

Anyone that hasn’t seen it yet, invite me. Thanks. 🙌🏻

Update

Slow down

Getting older is no joke. I now understand what the adults in my life meant when they said “don’t grow up” or “time flies” or “stop growing up.” Time, for real, speeds up when you get older. The day goes by so fast. Sometimes I don’t understand how it got to be 5pm. I remember being in elementary school and it took…forever…for the day to end and I can go home. Time doesn’t move when you’re much younger.

I went to France and Turkey. I spent 3 weeks in two countries and it wasn’t enough time there. In France, we did a lot but when I look back in a day we didn’t do too much with our day besides just going to the Eiffel Tower. Time is precious when you get older.

I’m sure there is some scientific explanation for all this. I don’t want to look it up (Here’s looking at you Chuck). I dunno what it is or how it is. I have an idea but the simplest thing I can say is that a kid hasn’t seen or done much (not that I have). Everything a kid does is new. Every situation is new and the interaction with others are new. As an adult, these aren’t new. We don’t have a lot of new information being processed by our brains.

My brain, however, as it heals, gets super tired. It gets tired because it’s constantly working to get better and a kid’s brain is growing. Our brain’s are at constant work.

When I’m in a situation that I’m not ready for or is new in any way, time doesn’t move fast enough. It becomes the longest gathering when there is a lot of new information much like when a child goes to school. They’re learning and everyday it’s a new topic. Time doesn’t move fast enough when your brain is tired.

The first example about France and Turkey doesn’t go with this because, even for a child, when you’re excited about a situation time flies. Time flies when you’re having fun but what I’m talking about is with the day in general.

It’s Saturday today and the next thing I know, it’ll be Wednesday and I don’t get how or when that happened. It would be nice if I actually did something with those days that passed. Summer is gonna be here like tomorrow and March is already half way done. I wanna do all these things in my day but I keep saying “tomorrow.” The next thing I know, it’s been two weeks that I have been saying that. At that point, I haven’t done what I set out to do.

It’s been 4 years and I’m still trying to get my life together. Here’s to getting older!

To Joey and Erin, Congratulations on your new addition to the family! She is gorgeous! Good job guys! 🙂

Update

Tarkan!

I’m so glad we listened to the world telling us to go see Tarkan at Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan. I am so, so, so, happy.

Nese (sister), Seda (cousin) and I went into the city on Thursday night to see our favorite Turkish artist, Tarkan. Everyone is his fan, all over the world…not only in Turkey. He finally made it here to the United States to bless us with his presence. I had so much fun and I am guessing that everyone there had fun too. Nese, Seda, and I danced the whole night didn’t care if anyone saw or thought of us. I didn’t care. I was seeing Tarkan.

We bought general admission tickets. We stood in the crowd, took our pictures, and then we eventually made it into the back of the crowd to better enjoy the music and to dance. Dancing in a crowd is hard lol. We had our drinks before so our hands were free to do what they do best…be thrown around like a mad monkey and the other two were probably no different than I. I really can’t be sure since my eyes were shut when dancing.

There were many people we knew at the concert…between Facebook and Instagram we found out after the fact. We did get the pleasure to spend some time in the crowd with our cousins. We don’t have those moments often…got to appreciate it when it does happen, right?

Tarkan is pretty well known in Turkey and the rest of the world…not so much here in the States. They tried to get his music here. They had his more well known song, Simarik, or the Kiss Kiss song, here but I doubt anyone remembers. It was sung by a woman, I believe.I remember the song being on the radio.

I also remember the time Nese and I heard the instrumental version of the song being played in Morocco at Epcot in Disney. We ran to go dance and sing the song ourselves from the crowd. That was the last time Nese and I went there before the accident. We had a Casabona-Kaya sibling trip to Disney.

Here is the the song I’m talking about… Tarkan- Simarik

…and here are some photos of Thursday night’s concert:

Good times…Onto the next one!

Update

Back to life

It’s been what? Two weekends since I’ve been back… from my travels. I was gone for three weeks? It feels like I haven’t been in this hemisphere for 3 years. It’s an odd feeling and most of you are gonna say, ‘the same happens to everybody…blah blah blah.’ Fine. lol It happens to everybody.

I went to Paris for a week and went to Istanbul for another two weeks. I came home the Sunday before my birthday. The plane made it home so all was good. 😀

I saw places. I saw things. I saw family. I saw a lot. I’m surprised my brain is still functioning… I am still feeling the effects of going everywhere.

I have to get myself in order. I need to get back into some routine because I feel like I’m about to fall apart. And when I say ‘fall apart’ I mean have a meltdown/anxiety attack/freakout/whatever you want to call it, I’m on the brink. I have been feeling as if I am on the edge. As if I’m playing Russian Roulette; I don’t know when the ‘gun’ will go off. I don’t even know what the ‘gun’ is.

I need to take a deep breath and take it easy. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not the end of the world if I didn’t do something; to just breathe. I have these high expectations. I only do it to myself and I need to cut myself a break.

Oh yes, my birthday brought in the 4th anniversary of the infamous accident and brought in the 3rd birthday of this blog. I’m not sure why I still have this because the world is over it…At this point, this is for me. I am writing this blog for myself and no one else. I feel like I have things to do with this blog. It makes me feel good. I feel productive…but at some point I will run out of things to write about. My recovery is something that will go on forever but I feel as though I’m at a constant…dunno if that is the right word but you get it.

In the mean time, while I figure this blog life out, here are some photos to feast your eyes on.

 

Update

I’m back

I’ve returned to the United  States. I’m tired still from my travels. I have to get my life back in order. It’s only been 3 weeks of being away. Doesn’t seem much at all but it is. It’s a lot. 

I had a system of how I do things and some of it seems to be a bit tricky to get back in the groove. It seems like it’s gonna take a bit of time. Nothing happens over night, right?

I’ve spent a week in Paris. Spent two weeks in Istanbul. I was able to spend the amount of time in these places because I do not have a job like most people do in this world. A week in Paris was in the plans already. We went there. Saw what we could in this wonderful city. Then Grandma wanted me to make my way to her in Turkey. She paid for the plane ticket so I couldn’t say ‘no.’

It was nice. I saw places that I’ve been wanting to see for some time now. I got to see family too. Had a lot of coffee and tea. Slept but not enough at times. Bought jeans. Spent money. Ya know, I vacationed. I had a great time. Next time, I would preferably like to have this planned will in advance. Lucky for me, my uncle had made plans to come to Turkey the same time, so my medication and extra clothes made its way to me. 

I’ll share pictures and write more about my Paris trip. Lemme get my life together too.