The new me

The Good and the Bad

The better I get, the lazier I become. How does one break this cycle?

After coming home from the hospital, I had this awesome energy to get things done. I was productive. I did what I said I would do. I was committed to getting things done. I would make a list of things I planned to do and I did it. I wasn’t comfortable not doing what I had written down. I started this blog with the intention to write an entry every Friday. Then, it turned into Saturday…Sunday and now, I write one at any time.

I wish I was still like that. I mean, I was doing other things other than this list. I needed something to keep me busy and feel like I did something with my day. It wasn’t a waste. Kind of gave me a purpose.

In the past year, so much has changed. I have been doing more. I have been social and going to events. I am doing things with friends and family on the weekends. That results in me being tired all week and not wanting to do anything. I am tired. It takes a week for me to get back to normal. During the week is when doctor appointments are scheduled. We’ll go food shopping. All those little things.

The older you get there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything. After doing shopping or watching tv/hanging with yourself, the next thing I know, the say has ended. Nothing that I wanted to do got done. The next day it’s the same. It’s a cycle.

So maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself about that. I may not be getting everything done on my list but…I am doing more than I was before.

This whole write up was hard to write. I’m so hard on myself. I have these high expectations; that’s why not checking off items on said list bothers me. I need to do everything. I used to not be like this. I need to relearn that it isn’t the end of the world. That it’s okay not to get everything done. I have to learn that it’s okay and to enjoy the day. If I’m not productive, I’ll do it tomorrow and if I can’t, we’ll, it wasn’t meant to be. I think this is difficult part. It’s gonna take a while for me to come to terms with it. I didn’t think it would be hard.

Some parts of your personality is from birth. Your likes and dislikes change but generally stay the same.

As you get grow up, you change/alter your personality that works or doesn’t work. It’s hard to really explain. There are core personality traits that are from birth. There are alterations. I was reset. I went back to what I used to be when I was younger. All the changes were undone.

I became this person that acts on her emotions. She gets close to people and hold them at high regard. One that trusts friends and family, unconditionally. That gets hurt often because of all of this. One that has to check off her list. Who has to have everything. Doesn’t leave anything to chance. That has to do everything her way and gets upset when someone doesn’t do it that way. Thinks that everyone wants her opinion. Believes everything everyone says. Gets upset that she doesn’t recycle or anyone recycles.

These are things that are still there, so maybe that’s just who I am but I had control of it. I knew what to suppress and what not to. I knew when I should let someone in. I knew that it wasn’t the end of the world if my list wasn’t done. I was aware that all people weren’t your friends. I knew I didn’t have to get everything done. All would and will be alright. The world will still be turning. All will be right in the world.

My list doesn’thave to be checked off all the time.

Here. Enjoy this picture. KBye.

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clear the air, Today, Update

Question

I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Funsies, Update

Progress!

Hey! I wanna share my excitement about this… I dunno if I have shared this before about my dancing days with MJ. I’ll quickly fill you in: I am dancing to the Michael Jackson Experience. This game like Just Dance. You the dancing game on Wii…

Well, I started that, dancing when I can, to be more active but also to get some dancing in. It forces me to find a way to stand and move without falling. Since I started, I have noticed somethings:

1- The moves I have trouble with the first time, I can pull it off a bit better the second time. Even if a week went by. I won’t even be thinking about it and I can do the combination. This is the greatest thing ever. To be making a movement without thinking twice about it? Of course, like many things in life, as soon as you start thinking about it you mess up. But that is a natural event 🙂

2- When an event mentioned above happens, I cry throughout the song/dance. I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to stop the song because when I stop it’ll be hard to get back into it.

3- I can dance through MJ’s Ghost. There are hard songs to dance to in the game. I can dance the song on Medium, the background dancers. I want to dance getting 5 stars more than once before moving to Hard, or dancing the main guy.

The goal is to dance better (obviously). When I say better, I mean in my present form. I want to be able to more a bit more freely in time for Joey’s wedding, but again I believe I wrote about this before. That is the goal and I am making strides, guys!

Feelings, Update

Rise & fall with every breath

As I write this, I am listening to music and I am enjoying it. I am having a good/relaxed day. I haven’t felt like this for a couple of weeks. The weather is awesome which is making things even better 🙂

I didn’t write an entry this Sunday. I wasn’t in the mood…I was just whatever. I dunno how many people read this, but I am sorry if you were, by any chance, looking forward to this.

I’m trying to become alright with change. Since the accident, it forced change on me without notice. I’m not okay when things have changed without me ready for it. This is life. Things change, people come and go. Change happens, good or bad.

Logically, I know this is how the way of the world works. Life moves forward. It doesn’t stay in its place. I can’t ask people to be ready for me to be ready. I can’t do that. It isn’t fair to them. This is something I have to work on.

I have to be okay with life moving forward but I’m not and I don’t know how to undo that. I am stuck where I was before the accident. I know everyone is going to say all the nice stuff about how I have been making progress and whatever. I know. But reality is, I am not okay. I am stuck. I don’t understand why everything has changed when I haven’t. Why has everything changed when I’m not ready? This is weird to explain…It’s an odd situation. I know everyone is where they’re supposed to be as well as I.

Time stood still. You can find me where you left me at the accident. I’ll catch up at some point in my life but for now, I have to keep reminding myself that this is how it’s supposed to be regardless of how I feel.

 

The new me, Update

Overwhelmed…

Yeah, I don’t know why I’m as overwhelmed as I am sometimes. I do it to myself really. I set myself up for failure and I get all panicked when I didn’t get done all that I set up to get done.

I need to take in a deep breath and just let it be. That is easier said than done. Earlier this week started that way. I set up goals for myself for the day but I didn’t need to get it done and I was okay with that. By the time Friday hit, I was back where I started. There wasn’t enough hours in the day anymore.

I need to limit one goal for the day. Something big, like working on my Etsy shoppe, as my main focus for the day. Then the next day, working on my handwriting and so forth. I just can’t set goals up in a way that I can’t get them done. I usually set my day up to: work on my handwriting, my Etsy shoppe, clean my room, and organizing my arts and crafts closet. That’s only for a day. One already knows I’m not putting all my attention into one activity, therefore, whatever I did is half done.

I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. I need to take my day slow with getting shit done. I am not wonder woman. Not yet. I am working on her but I can’t rush the process. I know. Like I said just before, this shit is easier said than done.

I am also aware that I am the one person who always has a solution for everyone’s problems and am quick to offer my solution. I am aware that most of the shit I have said to people is easy, in theory.

I know what I should do and how I should do it. Nope. Not easy. It isn’t automatically easier for me because I was forced into this new life either. This is just as hard as it would have been before.

Also, when I do something in my day, I can’t do it in, let’s say, an hour. No. I need like the whole day. Who am I kidding when I try to cram in 3877348 things into the day? I will never get them checked off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will start my day with the exercising bit and then clean my room. I’ll work my way from there. Small goals. One at a time. That is how I got myself to drinking only water. #proud 🙂

Feelings, Update

Is it too much?

I have been getting into fights at home and the recurring theme is: I expect too much from everyone. This whole ordeal is hard on them too.

Fair enough.

I know both worlds but when I say that or feel it, I feel selfish. However, to say I don’t know have an idea how anyone might feel or think is false. I do remember my old world, your world, but I have this new addition.

It’s unfair for me to expect family to understand or for me to say, “you could do more.” Others won’t be able to fully understand me unless they got injured themselves and I DO NOT want that to happen to anyone. Everyone’s hard times is hard because to them, in that moment, it is hard. That person does not know anything worse because they haven’t experienced it. You know there is worse in the world but that doesn’t make your situation any more or less. I don’t know if any of this works for you guys.

What I am trying to say at the end of all of this is, yes, I know the above to be true. My family can hear what I am saying and understand my words but they will never fully understand. I get that. I remember and if the roles were reversed, I do not see myself not getting frustrated or confused. I imagine it being incredibly hard. Expecting family members to be patient and strong, not even asking them, is rude on my part and is expecting too much from them. It may be hard but it is possible for change.

Granted, I was forced into these changes and in so many ways it is easier. On the contrary, this shit is no easier for me as it is for you to change. In fact, for family or friends to change is a conscious effort. To me, this means that you don’t want to put the effort in because it simply is too hard. 

That is the difference. I had no choice for this change. It happened, life moves on, and I have to go with the change to see my life through. Everyone else, has a choice. Change is hard. The choice to change is something you have to be willing to do.

I feel like I’m in this in between with this topic. I don’t know how to be okay with it. I go back and forth. Everyone’s experience that they know of is what’s real. Not everyone is empathetic. I can’t force empathy. I get that my family is having a hard time with how I am now and it isn’t easy. I know this but this other part in me is being selfish. They should  change. I changed they should too. They shouldn’t have the choice to back out. They shouldn’t have a choice in helping me emotionally. But then, the non-selfish side says, don’t be unfair. They didn’t ask for this just as much as you did.

I don’t know how to feel sometimes. I really don’t. Just when I think I got something figured out, I get reminded that I don’t have anything figured out. I wasn’t even close. I’ve always been the confident one that knew herself pretty damn well.

You know nothing, Jon Snow.

(btw, I can’t wait for that premiere this spring.)

I should show everyone my latest psychological review. It’s pretty interesting. Again, I’m sure there will be the judgmental group, thinking that I’m making it up or they simply don’t believe in psychology. Whatever. lol No one would say anything though, so there’s that. You’ll get that soon, folks. Keep it in your pants. Bye.

 

 

 

Today

…Sleep…

Normal people without brain damage, have trouble getting the sleep they need because they’re busy with life. After I came home from the hospital, I needed naps much like a baby. Every 2 hours of activity required a nap.

Then, it turned into me having trouble falling asleep because my mind starts going into hyper drive, which still happens. I’ll lie in bed and won’t fall asleep. It’ll take me like 2-4 hours and when I woke up in the morning with even 2 hours of sleep time, I won’t be traditionally tired throughout the day. I could still function normally and be okay.

Now, it’s a bit different. I don’t fall asleep right away unless my brain is tired and physically I’m tired. It is only then that I pass out.  I feel awful throughout the day if I didn’t get enough sleep. I slow down.

My doctor told me I have to get 12 hours of sleep a day and if I couldn’t for whatever reason, I needed to make it up with naps or the next day. The seizure thing requires me to get sleep. Who knew?

Can I stress how hard it is to get the sleep you’re supposed to get? It’s really hard. I am starting to do more things with friends and family and it is really hard to get the sleep in. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Right now, I am so tired but I can’t find the time because so much is going on! It’s hard to do the thing you are supposed to make sure you do. I don’t know how to balance anything yet. This is one of them. I’ll get it together…one day.

Today, Update

illness 😬

I got a cold or whatever this is and as a result, I feel like crap. My head hurts. My eyeballs hurt. My nose is stuffy or something along those lines. My throat is sore. Ya know. It’s absolutely not annoying. 😒

I’ve been thinking about how little thingsare different. It’s weird to see the change but it is a fantastic.

I’m not gonna lie, having some control over my emotions is because of the seizure medication. It ain’t all me… The doctor had to increase it. I am now on 150mg of Lamictal.

My medication had to be increased because I had two instances that was to be concerned about. I wrote the one down the other I didn’t because it was similar and I was seeing my doctor within the week, at the time.

This is what it was like:

I felt like I had so much caffeine. Like I went running and I had all this energy still left to burn. I  felt ‘twitchy,’ like everything was moving really fast . It was as if I was put on fast forward on the DVR. It was as if I was overly excited about something just didn’t know what. My heart was beating fast, as if it were gonna explode in my chest. My heart was on high. The muscles by my left shoulder was pulsing? I don’t know how to explain that really. This lasted for about 5 mins, at least I think.

It was weird. The second time this happened I was in bed and I knew to pay attention to what was going on. I cried after because I got scared. Because I’ve been on the medication for sometime now it kept the seizures at bay.

My medication has been increased and my Neurologist wants me to see a cardiologist to make sure it has nothing to do with my heart. That’s in October sometime. Until then…

image

I made this on the 27th. I made it crooked. 😔 Eh, whatever. I don’t mind it.

Funsies, The new me, Update

(-_-)

I’ve gotten into arguments or fights with my mother, my sister, and friends. What happened, happened. I don’t feel remorse for what I said or did then. The people I got into a fight with, I don’t feel bad when I look back. It happened and I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.

That’s not who I was before my accident. I felt things. Too many…

I do apologize. I have apologized. I did so because I know I say things that are uncalled for and don’t realize how it might make the other person feel. I’ve stopped that recently because I don’t receive apologies in return. Whatever. I won’t either.

There is one person who does apologize and that is my sister.

…but the past few fights with my mother and sister, something has been happening. I feel guilty. I still don’t remember exactly what was said but I feel remorse.

I thought I was feeling before but I wasn’t. I was apologizing because I didn’t know. I think I was compensating for my lack of remorse by apologizing  without realizing it. Or maybe that is a form of feeling guilty or maybe I’m just a good person…lol I dunno.

I had a fight with my sister on Monday night. I felt shitty about it the next day. I feel guilty for fighting.

The next day I didn’t want to function. This happened before. I wanna stay in bed. I don’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I simply don’t want to do anything. I want to be alone. I don’t know what that means just yet but I might have an idea but am refusing to acknowledge it for the time being…

This is new and I don’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know that my emotions were really affected like this. Well, I kinda knew but I didn’t think it was going this far. This explains why I haven’t been able to  cry watching movies during scenes I was known to cry at…I was a crier. I don’t know how I feel about all of this crap. Everything is so confusing!!!

I kinda liked the new emotionless person. (-_-)

Feelings, Update

Better safe than sorry

Last week was 4th of July weekend. I started the weekend with pain on my sides or as it was called by the ER, flank pain. Then the pain turned in into a burning sensation that wasn’t going away.

I knew it wouldn’t be a problem but I was over thinking it. It wasn’t going away and I didn’t know what it was. It has never happened to me before.

My sister took me to the ER because it was late and my primary doctor called it a night by now. We got there around 8pm. We didn’t leave the hospital until 3am (-_-) It took so long. At one point me and Nese started being delirious. It was getting late and we were SO TIRED.

I regretted going but it’s better to know than not know. It turns out that I was having sorta symptoms for shingles. I had burning on both of my sides and usually for shingles its on one side. They did the necessary tests, I believe. They did a urine test and blood test. They took a chest Xray, I dunno what that was for but I went for it. As long as I didn’t have to have to have an MRI done, I was good. That came back clean. So there wasn’t something dire wrong.

I have an appointment to see my primary doctor next Tuesday. So we’ll see what she says…

I have been doing better with the control of my emotions but it isn’t perfect just yet. I have a way to go. I have come a long way though. Last year I was no where near where I am now.

Regardless of what anyone says to me, I am doing so much better. I am more likely to get into an argument with someone because I am better at expressing myself. It’s not that I am angrier…I’m able to vocalize what I am feeling. I have the words I didn’t have before.

Everyone handles me better when it’s good feelings I’m talking about but once I start talking about bad feelings… Things get uncomfortable for that person.

Either way, I am doing better. I am. 😬