Feelings

It’s late

1:45 am to be exact. I’m going to die not because of a car but from the stress people cause me.

When am I gonna be the person I was before? The person that didn’t get close to anyone and wasn’t friends or try to be friends with people? It’s the ones that I trust in what they’re saying and give them more of my time that turn out to be someone I gave my friendship to them too soon or too much.

It sounds like I’m dating them. That’s what it feels like.

I have been frustrated trying to gain the friendship of another that doesn’t want to be friends with me. I don’t think I’m a bad friend. If I were, I wouldn’t have had as many friends as I did at my hospital visit. That just wouldn’t have happen.

Anyway, it’s hard being ‘friends’ with someone that doesn’t value it or consider you as one. That feeling sucks. Friendships and romantic relationships are not too different. Minus the ‘love’ grossness. It’s a different ‘love’ but ‘love’ none the less.

I can confidently say that I’m direct. No matter what it is, I can say it. If I’m telling someone else something, well, I have no problem telling you. With that, I expect you to do the same. One cannot learn from their mistakes if you avoid telling them. How is another supposed to know what they did wrong? How can someone be self aware if they don’t know what they did wrong to begin with? No one in perfect. Avoiding conflict benefits no one except you. It doesn’t ‘damage’ your Ego. If you were wrong, it does but if you were right, then the opposite happens. Self fulfilling prophecy has made you confident that you, in fact, know this person. But when you assume that you know people and you respond to the next person the same way, then you feel defeated. This causes one to retreat and prevents them from confronting again.

I don’t like doing that and don’t like it when it’s done to me. I have never had a reason to get mad about it. Nothing to get mad at someone for it. I will, however, get mad that you bring it up months or years from now and expect me to do something about it. Or use it during a fight that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. That shit is annoying. If you waited that long to say anything about it, it wasn’t a big deal then. I’ll be mad that it took so long for it to come out.

Especially nowadays, I genuinely wanna know if I do or say something wrong to someone. I want to know because I’m still learning myself and others. It only helps me. I can change the way I respond or act. I can not do it again. It teaches me what to be conscious about. It’s beneficial to me. It is. Now, if you start fighting with me without telling me, all hell will break loose.

I know how to say sorry and mean it.I make mistakes. Oh and I know how to forgive if you know how to apologize.

Moral of the story: I’ll tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings/upset me. Without a problem. Please, do me a favor: Tell me when I do something wrong. It won’t hurt my feelings.

Advertisements
Feelings, Update

Friends and Family

To friends and family members I've lost touch with and those who have tried to reach out in the past or recently, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we lost touch/I didn't do my part in the friendship. I know, I know…life gets in the way sometimes. We grow up and do bigger, better things. Naturally, people grow apart. That's okay.

There are old friends/family that tried to reconnect with me and I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry that you are no longer in my life. I'm sorry I didn't keep it up.

I appreciate everyone that came to the hospital or sent messages of love. My heart is so big. People from my past came out of the woodwork, individuals that I would have never expected anything from. It kills me that I don't remember everyone there or remember everything that was said or given to me.

My parents and sister have done the best they can to share what they do remember of February/March and onwards. There was a lot going on for everybody, not only for me.

I just wanted to use this post to thank everyone. Thank you driving up to Long Island from Pennsylvania and Middletown. Thank you for flying from Florida to see me. Thank you for making my family feel at ease. Thank you for the handmade gifts and gifts. Everyone knows me too well…Thank you for it all. Thank you for thinking of me even though we have nothing in common. I'm thankful for all that was done. I don't know how I could ever return the favor. Even though what you did was small in your eyes, it meant the world to me.

I have quite a few mandalas from those who got the chance to color one in for me. I have some cards. I have my Disney paraphernalia except the Belle that Stephanie gave me šŸ˜¦ sorry Steph! I promise it was given a new home! ❤️

The world is small yet big. We're surrounded by all these people. There are people that think of you even if you don't think of them. People appreciate you more than you know it. Even if someone pisses you off they have a place in your life. Good or bad. Either way, appreciate them. You never know when that'll be the last time you share an interaction with that person. Unless they're a true psychopath or sociopath, everyone has some good in there somewhere.

Thank you and I love you. I, for real, do.

Feelings

Understand me

I have people in my life telling me that I’m the same person I was before the accident. My best friend told me that I am different but I am the same too.

I appreciated that response. It was honest and it wasn’t a response that was trying to make me feel better. It was a response that confirmed what I already knew about myself. It’s nice when that happens.

Confirmation isn’t a bad thing. I don’t feel worse about myself. I don’t want to commit suicide because you told me the truth of how I am now and how it used to be. It isn’t a bad thing. If I am different there is nothing wrong with that. Things in my life have changed. That is reality. I want to be told what I know is true or if it isn’t, old or new. Sometimes, I get confused and need help getting it all straightened out in my head.

I do, however, want to be acknowledged. I want my feelings and thoughts to be acknowledged. I want to be given the chance to have the emotion or whatever it is to myself. I want the person in front of me to give me the right away to have those emotions. I don’t want to be told I’m wrong. That is what I want in an acknowledgement. I’m having the reaction because of something you said. Let me have it and go from there.

I want to be heard. I want every emotion and thought to be mine. I don’t want to be told it’s wrong. I want those to be respected. I think majority of the time, I want confirmation when I’m unsure of myself. When I question the past with the present. I get like that. Not often but it happens on occasion.

Most arguments happen because one person is telling the other they’re wrong. Their feelings aren’t wrong. They just misunderstood you. Either way, no one is wrong when it comes to their feelings. That isn’t fair. Understand first, then explain yourself better but don’t tell them they’re wrong. They have those emotions for a reason.

I really don’t appreciate when I am told my feelings are wrong for being what they are. Acknowledge my emotions/feelings/reactions. Tell me you’re sorry and then explain what you tried to say… we’ll go from there.

Oh! and don’t apologize and follow it with “but.” Say you’re sorry for doing “blah, blah” and follow it with what you tried to explain. No “but.” That doesn’t mean you’re sorry.

I really hope you guys do get what my rambles are saying. I do try to make sense. It works in my head, dunno if it works typed out or written out.

Feelings, Update

Moods, feelings, and stuff

I don’t remember if I mentioned that my Lamictal was increased. I probably did but yes. My doctor increased my medication just in case I was having bigger seizures. He increased my medication to 150 mg. That is way more than I was taking before.

I want to remind you that Lamictal is both a seizure medication and mood stabilizer. SO, me losing my shit as decreased. I know I have to be on this for my seizures but it also doubles as a mood stabilizer so I’m having control of my emotions. This is a good thing, but I don’t want to rely on medication for emotions/mood.

I may ask to be switched to a medicine that is only for seizures and see how that goes. I see my doctor every 6 months so I’ve got time ’till then.

I have been noticing that I can let go of situations with ease. I bicker to myself and complain but I’m not fighting with my family. I have found that because I don’t yell and scream I fall back but I don’t get it out of my system. All my anger and frustration gets put to the side and I just want to be alone. This has happened a couple of times. I just sat there and cried. Oh, and I want to destroy things. Before my medication, things were walls and whatever is lying around (like my cell phone) Now, that ‘thing’ is my leg.

I don’t cut myself. I get this crazy feeling that I should but I hold back. My mind goes into hyper drive and nothing seems to work. Crying doesn’t and I know better. I punch my leg really hard (doesn’t hurt in the moment) and that gets me off the idea. I wasn’t getting the urge to do something like that before when I was yelling and screaming. It is a great thing to hold myself back from losing my shit and destroying the apartment but I’m afraid that because I’m not doing that I am gonna take it out on myself. No one can see how that could be a result of all this. I have no where to put my anger anymore. I would hit walls and I did hit my legs but I never got this urge that I am nowadays.

I am aware of what is going on. That is the difference I believe. I know better and that is my saving grace.Ā I can think quicker than I did before. I am able to weigh my options now and whether or not it is worth my reactions. It gives me a few seconds.

If I do come off Lamictal, does that mean I go back to how I was before the meds?Ā What if everything is undone and my brain didn’t learn anything to do that work without the medication? I dunno. This is probably not the case (lol). I’m being absurd. I know. I have nothing to do but over think stuff like this.

This is mostly a good thing. I know things won’t go back to the way it was before the medication. Maybe I am afraid. It’s not maybeĀ I know I am. Ugh, whatever.

Funsies, The new me, Update

(-_-)

I’ve gotten into arguments or fights with my mother, my sister, and friends. What happened, happened. I don’t feel remorse for what I said or did then. The people I got into a fight with, I don’t feel bad when I look back. It happened and I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.

That’s not who I was before my accident. I felt things. Too many…

I do apologize. I have apologized. I did so because I know I say things that are uncalled for and don’t realize how it might make the other person feel. I’ve stopped that recently because I don’t receive apologies in return. Whatever. I won’t either.

There is one person who does apologize and that is my sister.

…but the past few fights with my mother and sister, something has been happening. I feel guilty. I still don’t remember exactly what was said but I feel remorse.

I thought I was feeling before but I wasn’t. I was apologizing because I didn’t know. I think I was compensating for my lack of remorse by apologizingĀ  without realizing it. Or maybe that is a form of feeling guilty or maybe I’m just a good person…lol I dunno.

I had a fight with my sister on Monday night. I felt shitty about it the next day. I feel guilty for fighting.

The next day I didn’t want to function. This happened before. I wanna stay in bed. I don’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I simply don’t want to do anything. I want to be alone. I don’t know what that means just yet but I might have an idea but am refusing to acknowledge it for the time being…

This is new and I don’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know that my emotions were really affected like this. Well, I kinda knew but I didn’t think it was going this far. This explains why I haven’t been able toĀ  cry watching movies during scenes I was known to cry at…I was a crier. I don’t know how I feel about all of this crap. Everything is so confusing!!!

I kinda liked the new emotionless person. (-_-)

Feelings

Everyone is human

I know everyone knows that I am in fact a human being but they seem to forget that I still have feelings/emotions. Just because I had this accident happen to me and I have all this stuff wrong with me doesn’t mean that I can handle whatever it is you’re going to say to me. I also say things that aren’t the nicest. I know that. I can be abrasive, mean, and a straight up bitch.

I see it as, if I don’t tell you what/how I am feeling, about whatever is being talked about, you won’t know. That goes along with this: you won’t know my leg hurts unless I tell you. I’m not the same person as before the accident. Yes, there are traces but I have to get to know who I am now and so do you. The only way we can start figuring this out is by me telling you what is going on. I have to because I don’t know. I can’t say ‘this is how it is’ because I don’t know if this is how it is. It’s going to take a long ass time. Either you can help me figure out what my new normal is or … just leave me alone.

I want everyone I interact with to tell me what is going on. No matter how mean. I can handle it despite what my family tells you. BUT I want things I can work on and make better. Tell me what I did wrong to you and give me suggestions on how to change it so I don’ t do it to someone else. Don’t talk down to me. I don’t want to me told what I am doing wrong just for the sake of being told I’m doing something wrong. Be productive. Don’t assume that I don’t know anything either. This whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen. The fine line can no longer be seen.

The only reason that’s a problem with family is because they don’t tell me the things I am doing wrong until it is going wrong. I don’t want to hear it then. I am just angry and not open for feedback. If it’s done when I am calm and asking for feedback, I’m open to it. In fact, I will do my best to understand and apologize if need be.

I can’t handle my emotions automatically better just because I was forced into this situation. In truth, I handle my emotions in a pretty shitty fashion, worse than you already do. :/ I have a higher chance of becoming depressed before you, so let’s watch it, eh? I don’t have it together…Thanks. My brain’s wiring and its chemical transfers aren’t the way they should be. If you think they are…you are mistaken, my friend.

Feelings, Update

Better safe than sorry

Last week was 4th of July weekend. I started the weekend with pain on my sides or as it was called by the ER, flank pain. Then the pain turned in into a burning sensation that wasn’t going away.

I knew it wouldn’t be a problem but I was over thinking it. It wasn’t going away and I didn’t know what it was. It has never happened to me before.

My sister took me to the ER because it was late and my primary doctor called it a night by now. We got there around 8pm. We didn’t leave the hospital until 3am (-_-) It took so long. At one point me and Nese started being delirious. It was getting late and we were SO TIRED.

I regretted going but it’s better to know than not know. It turns out that I was having sorta symptoms for shingles. I had burning on both of my sides and usually for shingles its on one side. They did the necessary tests, I believe. They did a urine test and blood test. They took a chest Xray, I dunno what that was for but I went for it. As long as I didn’t have to have to have an MRI done, I was good. That came back clean. So there wasn’t something dire wrong.

I have an appointment to see my primary doctor next Tuesday. So we’ll see what she says…

I have been doing better with the control of my emotions but it isn’t perfect just yet. I have a way to go. I have come a long way though. Last year I was no where near where I am now.

Regardless of what anyone says to me, I am doing so much better. I am more likely to get into an argument with someoneĀ because I am better at expressing myself. It’s not that I am angrier…I’m able to vocalize what I am feeling. I have the words I didn’tĀ have before.

Everyone handles me better when it’s good feelingsĀ I’m talking about but once I start talking about bad feelings… Things get uncomfortable for that person.

Either way, I am doing better. I am. šŸ˜¬

clear the air, Feelings

crazy

I have never taken the word ‘crazy’ to heart as much as I have been lately. I don’t like the word being used on me or someone close to me… I don’t like the word being used, at all.

I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Now, I understand, sorta, why others lose it on the people that use that word to describe them. Whether or not, you truly believe that person is acting in that way, you don’t know that person well enough to know if that word will hit home. It was said to me and that is the one time I cannot forget about it. We were drunk, so whatever, but of all things that were said that night to me, that is the one that stuck out. Oh, and confirming the next day that I was as if I was going to understand it better not being drunk, wasn’t helpful. I mean, it still makes me angry thinking about that moment, but I have to remind myself that it isn’t the end of the world. I get angry because it is personal. I don’t have my shit together, I know this, but calling me ‘crazy’ only makes me feel shittier about myself. I feel shittier because I already feel that way and thank you for confirming it.

It isn’t a nice word at all… That person who is losing it on you, well, that word may be the reason they never speak to you again. This goes back to my other posts, no one knows your intention and you don’t know where that persons been. Maybe that person is having trouble with the mental or emotional stuff (like I am), maybe they’re seeing a therapist (for some reason this is a bad thing, I don’t know), maybe their family member is having trouble (it’s too close to home).

The point is: you don’t know what that person is going through in their life and it might hit them in a way that is beyond that situation. Just saying…Ā 

I cannot say, when ‘crazy’ is being used, itĀ was used to hurt me (maybe it was, I don’t know). I cannot say it was meant to be taken the way I took the word to me. Either way, i am finding that word to be offensive and bothersome,Ā regardless of the context or intention behind it.

Why? Because I do have moments that aren’t explainable. I just do things and say things without thinking about it. I just react with whatever emotion I am feeling, good or bad. It comes off strong and forceful. I lose it. Granted, I am a bit, “off my rocker” but not all the time and when that word is tossed around, I take it as, “all the time.”

How come it’s so easy to be told that I am ‘crazy,’ ‘not normal,’ ‘not the same Bahar,’ when I do something out of the ordinary but they forget to tell me when I am doing something right and normal?

So, many people may not be calling me out and directly calling me ‘crazy,’ but when you say that, you may as well call me ‘crazy.’ I am able to let things go easier if it’s someone I don’t care too much about or am friends with. I can tell myself that person doesn’t matter and move on. Its harder to take from the people that are close. Those are the individualsĀ that should know what I am doing to be better… To be told that, it feels like nothing is working. All that work for nothing.

It isn’t fair to call anyone ‘crazy’ or any form of itĀ because you don’t know. You don’t know what is going on; What they are dealing with and if they are tryingĀ (it takes more effort Ā to some people than you would believe) to make changes. Just don’t use that word, even if you are really in a fight with someone and that is the point of fighting, to hurt that person’s feelings. I dunno. You don’t know if that word is going to stick with them passed that fight with you. Some things just need to be left out of fights/arguments/disagreements/just talking. TheĀ word is not a nice adjective to use to describe anyone… learn other words to describe what you are feeling. There are plenty of words that can be used that have proper meanings to describe yourself.Ā You’re a grown up. The internet is there to help you. Everything is,Ā literally,Ā in the palm of your hands.

Just like making jokes about my accident isn’t funny yet, well, ‘crazy’ isn’t funny and will never be funny.

Feelings

I just can’t

I can’t balance my own thoughts and what not together, but, apparently, I should be able to handle everyone else’s…as if mine is not enough šŸ˜’

I have become this sensitive individual. I don’t know who she is. She’s sensitive about the stupidest things and gets offended by the littlest things.

It feels like my Ego is taking a beating.

Everything said by others is subjective. I know this. What a person is saying out loud, isn’t what they intend.

So, yes, I am offended/upset/angry/sad/happy/confused about what you said. Because that’s what I understood. It’s not my fault you suck at talking.

People seem to forget this: no one can read their mind and they’re awful at talking. No one knows what you’re feeling and what it means.

Chances are high that the other person can’t read your mind, therefore, they really don’t know what you’re saying and your true intentions. That’s why misunderstandings and fights happen.

There also seems to a double standard with everyone. People do the talking about how they are and how they want to be treated by others. There is nothing wrong with talking about what you want and need. It’s the human way and how people learn who you are…But everyone is quick to do the talking and miss the listening part.

I liked being the person whom I was talking about. I want to be that person again…I am trying hard to be that person. What is the saying? Treat others the way you would like to be treated? It sounds about right…

I will treat you the way I want to be treated by you. So, let’s really think about this… Do I treat/talk to you that way?

This blog of mine has become journal-like… All over the place. šŸ˜³

Feelings

Deepppp

I was talking to my friend, Louis. He said some things that…I dunno the word that would apply here but he put my feelings and thoughts into words that I think I have trouble with. That does happen sometimes… Maybe everyone is correct in that I don’t give myself enough credit. My physical therapist said that to me… a lot. :/ Ughhhhh…

Anyway, I feel that this is how I have been functioning for the past year… This has been my motto of sorts…maybe motto isn’t the word. Maybe how I’ve been looking at life? I dunno but you get it. šŸ˜€second chance

Louis: “I wonder if the before and after mentality isn’t healthy. A second chance is definitely worth being grateful for. You know that better than I do. But really, despite the drastic changes in every part of your life, you’re still living your first chance. I just wonder if you’re stuck between trying to move forward towards a solid future and trying to move back to who you were before the accident. It’s gotta be a very unsettling state. Maybe you should pick one and forget about trying to reach the other.”

I cried when I read that the first time. I wasn’t crying because it’s sad but because he couldn’t be more true. I am stuck. I am, oh, so, very stuck between then and now.Ā  This whole entry is full with tears. :/ Eh, it happens I guess.
I should forget the past and just work on what I am, now, for later. I can’t change what happened- I can’t change anything from the past but I can work on myself for tomorrow.
This quote is from a Parks and Recreation episode. In the episode, Leslie and Ben get married. Andy is rough on himself because he isn’t a cop… Chris comes in and says this to Andy:
Ā “This is a very important moment for you. How we deal with tragedy defines who we are. I used to be terrible at it. Beyond terrible. You are not going to let this deflate you. You are going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and we will figure out what the next step is.”
I am Andy in that episode…
I am gonna gloat a little and say that I am self aware…to a certain extent. I do feel the need to make the necessary changes to be better. I, also, take criticism much better than before and everyone else. I like knowing what I did wrong because I can’t figure it out quick enough on my own. I see all corrections and criticism as learning something new about what this person is doing because I don’t get it.
I am aware of what I do to myself but I don’t know what I am doing to affect you, so, that’s what I need help with.