The new me

The Good and the Bad

The better I get, the lazier I become. How does one break this cycle?

After coming home from the hospital, I had this awesome energy to get things done. I was productive. I did what I said I would do. I was committed to getting things done. I would make a list of things I planned to do and I did it. I wasn’t comfortable not doing what I had written down. I started this blog with the intention to write an entry every Friday. Then, it turned into Saturday…Sunday and now, I write one at any time.

I wish I was still like that. I mean, I was doing other things other than this list. I needed something to keep me busy and feel like I did something with my day. It wasn’t a waste. Kind of gave me a purpose.

In the past year, so much has changed. I have been doing more. I have been social and going to events. I am doing things with friends and family on the weekends. That results in me being tired all week and not wanting to do anything. I am tired. It takes a week for me to get back to normal. During the week is when doctor appointments are scheduled. We’ll go food shopping. All those little things.

The older you get there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything. After doing shopping or watching tv/hanging with yourself, the next thing I know, the say has ended. Nothing that I wanted to do got done. The next day it’s the same. It’s a cycle.

So maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself about that. I may not be getting everything done on my list but…I am doing more than I was before.

This whole write up was hard to write. I’m so hard on myself. I have these high expectations; that’s why not checking off items on said list bothers me. I need to do everything. I used to not be like this. I need to relearn that it isn’t the end of the world. That it’s okay not to get everything done. I have to learn that it’s okay and to enjoy the day. If I’m not productive, I’ll do it tomorrow and if I can’t, we’ll, it wasn’t meant to be. I think this is difficult part. It’s gonna take a while for me to come to terms with it. I didn’t think it would be hard.

Some parts of your personality is from birth. Your likes and dislikes change but generally stay the same.

As you get grow up, you change/alter your personality that works or doesn’t work. It’s hard to really explain. There are core personality traits that are from birth. There are alterations. I was reset. I went back to what I used to be when I was younger. All the changes were undone.

I became this person that acts on her emotions. She gets close to people and hold them at high regard. One that trusts friends and family, unconditionally. That gets hurt often because of all of this. One that has to check off her list. Who has to have everything. Doesn’t leave anything to chance. That has to do everything her way and gets upset when someone doesn’t do it that way. Thinks that everyone wants her opinion. Believes everything everyone says. Gets upset that she doesn’t recycle or anyone recycles.

These are things that are still there, so maybe that’s just who I am but I had control of it. I knew what to suppress and what not to. I knew when I should let someone in. I knew that it wasn’t the end of the world if my list wasn’t done. I was aware that all people weren’t your friends. I knew I didn’t have to get everything done. All would and will be alright. The world will still be turning. All will be right in the world.

My list doesn’thave to be checked off all the time.

Here. Enjoy this picture. KBye.

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Feelings

It’s late

1:45 am to be exact. I’m going to die not because of a car but from the stress people cause me.

When am I gonna be the person I was before? The person that didn’t get close to anyone and wasn’t friends or try to be friends with people? It’s the ones that I trust in what they’re saying and give them more of my time that turn out to be someone I gave my friendship to them too soon or too much.

It sounds like I’m dating them. That’s what it feels like.

I have been frustrated trying to gain the friendship of another that doesn’t want to be friends with me. I don’t think I’m a bad friend. If I were, I wouldn’t have had as many friends as I did at my hospital visit. That just wouldn’t have happen.

Anyway, it’s hard being ‘friends’ with someone that doesn’t value it or consider you as one. That feeling sucks. Friendships and romantic relationships are not too different. Minus the ‘love’ grossness. It’s a different ‘love’ but ‘love’ none the less.

I can confidently say that I’m direct. No matter what it is, I can say it. If I’m telling someone else something, well, I have no problem telling you. With that, I expect you to do the same. One cannot learn from their mistakes if you avoid telling them. How is another supposed to know what they did wrong? How can someone be self aware if they don’t know what they did wrong to begin with? No one in perfect. Avoiding conflict benefits no one except you. It doesn’t ‘damage’ your Ego. If you were wrong, it does but if you were right, then the opposite happens. Self fulfilling prophecy has made you confident that you, in fact, know this person. But when you assume that you know people and you respond to the next person the same way, then you feel defeated. This causes one to retreat and prevents them from confronting again.

I don’t like doing that and don’t like it when it’s done to me. I have never had a reason to get mad about it. Nothing to get mad at someone for it. I will, however, get mad that you bring it up months or years from now and expect me to do something about it. Or use it during a fight that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. That shit is annoying. If you waited that long to say anything about it, it wasn’t a big deal then. I’ll be mad that it took so long for it to come out.

Especially nowadays, I genuinely wanna know if I do or say something wrong to someone. I want to know because I’m still learning myself and others. It only helps me. I can change the way I respond or act. I can not do it again. It teaches me what to be conscious about. It’s beneficial to me. It is. Now, if you start fighting with me without telling me, all hell will break loose.

I know how to say sorry and mean it.I make mistakes. Oh and I know how to forgive if you know how to apologize.

Moral of the story: I’ll tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings/upset me. Without a problem. Please, do me a favor: Tell me when I do something wrong. It won’t hurt my feelings.

clear the air, The new me, Update

Entitled

‘From their review of over 170 studies, the researchers found that entitlement creates a vicious circle:

1 Entitlement creates feelings of disappointment.

2 Disappointment leads to anger and other strong negative emotions.

3 The negative emotions require the person to reassure themselves they are special.’

The article I’m quoting is by PsyBlog. It’s a short piece. Before continuing this, give it a read. It might have you thinking about yourself…being honest with yourself and trying to be a better person isn’t a bad thing. Give it a try 🙃

I don’t feel entitled. I don’t believe I am either. I’d guess that others wouldn’t say that about me but close family members might say ‘yeah. She might be.’ If you ask me that’s how I would respond with. Consciously, I’m not. Unconsciously, I might be. The things I say and do may not cry ‘entitled’ but underneath it all, that might be exactly what’s going on.

To respond to the three statements above:

  1. I do carry feelings of disappointment especially towards others around me.
  2. As a result, I do become angry towards said person. Strong negative emotions to the core.
  3. I always reassure myself that I am right and I am different therefore their reactions need to fit those differences.

So the question is: Do I think I’m entitled to certain things because of my accident?

Usually, when someone says on is ‘entitled’ they’re talking about material things that involve money. ‘I worked hard so I deserve…’ When you look at that, no I’m not entitled. What the article is talking about is more than that and I believe that’s what I’ve got going on with me lately.

‘I was in this accident; my world was turned upside down and everything is so different. I have to make all these changes without a choice.’ That’s the mindset I have going. If you’re a family member, it’s ‘if I have to change you have to’ and that usually follows with some statement about all this happening to me, I’m different. I deserve certain reactions and emotions from you. I can’t have you respond like a normal human being.

When I don’t get that, I get angry. I get angry because that’s not the reaction I deserve because of what happened to me. I believe this is a bit of a entitlement problem. It may not be clear or black and white but it’s there. Oh! At the end of these disagreements, I always start telling myself that I’m right and don’t deserve such reactions. The blame is shifted onto the other person without a thought. I can never be wrong because I was in an accident.

The hardest thing part of all this is admitting it to others or ‘out loud’ because admitting to yourself silently doesn’t mean change will happen. You then live in a state of denial and it’s easy to pretend you don’t do it. I’m writing about it. You’re reading this. I will put my tail between my legs and work on this. I will be kinder to others. I will remember that close friends and family are doing all they can. I’m not entitled to anything because of this. Everyone has gone above and beyond for me. I need to show more appreciation overall. I am humble but I’m humble to strangers and to those that aren’t around as often. I’m not humble when it comes to family. I have to work on this a bit harder because this doesn’t just involve me anymore; it involves everyone.

Oh and you’re not entitled to special treatment either. Is your name Mother Teresa? I didn’t think so. You know who else feels entitled? President Trump. But that’s for another time…

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday!

Public Service Announcement:

Don’t you dare look at the eclipse without proper glasses! I don’t need you to ruin your eye sight! Even for a second, don’t do it!

A Bahar explanation is this: the sky goes dark. Your retinas (the black part of your eye) gets big to see in the dark (that’s why owls have big eyes) and when the sun comes out within seconds, your eyes don’t have enough time to adjust. Your eyes in the back, that do all the work, burn. That’s why when the doctor puts those drops in your eyes to take a photo. Your internal structure of your eyes are out in the open and that’s also why you’re given some type of sun protection or asked to have someone else to drive you home.

Don’t be dumb. Don’t look at the sun. Just don’t. Sunglasses won’t work either.

Today, Update

In this moment

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating today! Bayraminiz mubarek olsun!! 😘😁Have a splendid day!  

Here we go talking about driving, feelings, and driving…again. It bothers me from time to time. I have my highs and lows regarding driving and other people. 

I miss driving. I have many moments where I wish so badly to have my car. I miss the freedom that comes with driving. I miss driving with the windows down. I miss the music blasting. I miss being alone and just driving for no reason. I miss calling Hazar and Onur to go where ever when no one else was available. I miss being the cool cousin. I miss not having to rely on others to get me places. I miss having people hang out with me because they want to; not making me feel like a burden. I miss planning things. I miss going wherever I wanted when I wanted. 

Knowing you can do whatever you want when you want it, allows you not to feel that you’ve missed something or have to do said thing. 

Everyone has choices. Everyone can do whatever they want, as well as I…but I have to wait for others. I long for the car rides I used to go on. 

It isn’t about physically going out, driving or going out to eat all the time; it’s about knowing you can, when you want. I guess you can say I miss having that option. 

Friends and family don’t understand why I jump to whatever it is they suggest without thinking twice. I look for those moments because I don’t get them often. I don’t get moments where you want to do something. 

I wish I could drive again and let me stop you. I don’t want to hear for the 737283 time that I can. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling me I can do something that I truest can’t. 

I can’t drive myself alone or with others in the car. Do you trust me to drive you around? Will you give me your car to practice in? I look like I can right? There is nothing more irritating…well, actually not being able to do it may be worse. Lol

Funsies

Driving

I do want to drive. I sure do. I don’t want to rely on everyone else. I wanna go somewhere when I want to. Not when someone else can…

How does anyone know how I will be? Who is gonna volunteer to sit in a car with me when I re-learn? Who’s going to trust me with their lives while I learn again?

My case isn’t like a teen learning how to drive. I know how to drive. I am like your 90 year old grandmother that still drives. No one will want me on the road. I’m too much of a liability.

I know how to start a car. I know where the gas and break pedals are. I know how to use everything. I do. Just because I can see myself doing it doesn’t mean I should…

I don’t know if I wrote another post about be doing a cart wheel in the middle of the living room when I was home alone one day. Well, if you had asked me if I could at that point, I would have told you I can. As far as I knew, I could do a cart wheel. I can see myself do it and I know where to put my hands and feet.

Yeah. About that. I could not. I rolled around on the floor. I did it a few times because I didn’t understand. Driving is the same. I see myself doing it all. I know it but can I?

I prolly shouldn’t attempt it. Not yet. I still stub my toe on edges of walls or couches, whatever. It isn’t the same as way as it happens to you. This is a regular occurrence. I hit the wall or door when I turn corners and my toes hurt all the time.
Can you imagine me driving? The thought of what could happen scares me. I don’t know how close or far I am to an object. With that, two things can happen:

  1. There will be so much space between me and the car in front of me that another car could probably fit in between.
  2. I’m riding in another car’s backseat.

There is no in between and even if there was, I can’t test it out. Driving is not a game and as we all found out, an accident can rock someone’s world upside down. I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s trauma.

The new me, Update

Overwhelmed…

Yeah, I don’t know why I’m as overwhelmed as I am sometimes. I do it to myself really. I set myself up for failure and I get all panicked when I didn’t get done all that I set up to get done.

I need to take in a deep breath and just let it be. That is easier said than done. Earlier this week started that way. I set up goals for myself for the day but I didn’t need to get it done and I was okay with that. By the time Friday hit, I was back where I started. There wasn’t enough hours in the day anymore.

I need to limit one goal for the day. Something big, like working on my Etsy shoppe, as my main focus for the day. Then the next day, working on my handwriting and so forth. I just can’t set goals up in a way that I can’t get them done. I usually set my day up to: work on my handwriting, my Etsy shoppe, clean my room, and organizing my arts and crafts closet. That’s only for a day. One already knows I’m not putting all my attention into one activity, therefore, whatever I did is half done.

I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. I need to take my day slow with getting shit done. I am not wonder woman. Not yet. I am working on her but I can’t rush the process. I know. Like I said just before, this shit is easier said than done.

I am also aware that I am the one person who always has a solution for everyone’s problems and am quick to offer my solution. I am aware that most of the shit I have said to people is easy, in theory.

I know what I should do and how I should do it. Nope. Not easy. It isn’t automatically easier for me because I was forced into this new life either. This is just as hard as it would have been before.

Also, when I do something in my day, I can’t do it in, let’s say, an hour. No. I need like the whole day. Who am I kidding when I try to cram in 3877348 things into the day? I will never get them checked off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will start my day with the exercising bit and then clean my room. I’ll work my way from there. Small goals. One at a time. That is how I got myself to drinking only water. #proud 🙂

Funsies, Update

Friends…

Jenn,

Happy Birthday! Love you and I hope you had a wonderful day! See you soon…

Love, Bahar

I have come to the realization that I am not good at choosing friends. Even you Jenn, I didn’t choose. You were brought to me. Thank you, James Wilson Young.

I think that my downfall is that I overlook what everyone else doesn’t. I give individuals the benefit of the doubt. I do this way too much that I get screwed over in the end. I put too much effort in the friendship or family member that I don’t get the same in return. I don’t ask for too much. I don’t believe I do.

I am the one that is able to apologize when I did something to offend or cross the line. I am able to see what I am doing and how it’s affecting the person in front of me. I don’t always think I’m right (despite what others think).

What I think and know, for me, is right but I will listen to you if you listen to me, as I know I can be wrong. So, prove me wrong. Don’t yell at me and be mean. Explain it to me like the adult you are. I will listen as long as you keep your cool. Don’t put it on me when you messed up. I am an understanding person, so much so that I get screwed in the end.

This may be the reason why I didn’t open up to people. Maybe this is why I don’t become ‘friends.’ Because why bother? That’s what I would do before the accident. That’s what I was. Someone who doesn’t have all these people around her. She gets too close too fast.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. I do it way too much. I don’t regret it when it happens because I learned and won’t do it again.

 

 

Today

I have some things in common with a child…

I went to a friend’s wedding last night. It was a very pretty reception. I didn’t go to the ceremony because it was far and I didn’t have a ride that early in the day.

There was a little girl dancing. She had to be about 1. She was trying to move without falling and I was able to relate. I did attempt dancing last night and I found that it is easier to move and not move your feet (that is how this little girl was dancing). The movements are limited. Just bouncing up and down or moving side to side all without moving your feet. It is the easier option when it comes to dancing.

This action is super adorable when a child does it. I do not see this being a cute situation for a 27 year old…

A child has about, well say 18, 18 years until he/she is considered an adult. This child has 18 years to learn how to walk properly, how to walk with his/her adjustments, to be able to walk and talk at the same time, among other things that you don’t think about. That is 18 years to have complete control of all these things. Well say, 25 years to perfect.

I have to relearn all of that 25 years worth of stuff in a handful of years. Well, time is given. Maybe I’m trying to speed up the process but let’s say I didn’t. It took me 25 years to learn all that I did when it comes to walking or thinking. Anything really.

Will it take another 25 years to relearn it all? Or because I was older than a child, it’ll take another 25 years on top of that? That is a long time and it sucks getting old. You don’t recover as fast as a child. Everything takes even longer when you are older.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I will not get better or I haven’t come a long way. I have. I have come a very long way and I will continue to get better. It is only up from here.

How long is all this going to take though? I am never going to be back to where I was. I will be close but by the time I get to 100% full functioning Bahar, I’ll be dead.

That is how those things work when you get older. Recovery takes longer.

Feelings

Standards

I have to work on myself AND work on relationships with friends and family. It is SOO hard to balance everything. Its so frustrating too.

Do I only work on myself? What do I do? How do I do this? How do I make everything work?

I wanna help and make it easier for everyone around me but it’s hard when you’re working on yourself. This is not a new thing only for me but for everyone around me too.

I expect everyone to keep their part, up to date, bc it’s hard to balance both. I can’t maintain myself and help others. I would LOVE to be able to but I can’t be my therapist self without helping myself out first.

I’ll get to you later.

The time is right for me. Not you. Sorry. Take a number. Hope you don’t have other plans bc you’ll be here for a while. I know this is selfish. Immensely selfish but when is the right time to be? Isn’t this the time?

Anyway, my sister has been telling me to lower my standards for every one. She said I expect too much from them (family). I think the problem lies with me having high standards for myself and holding others to that same standards.

If I don’t have these high standards, how will I get better or be better than I was or keep going in general? How am I supposed to keep going forward if no one around me is striving for the same thing? I need help and guidance.

Like a child, I need people around me doing the the thing that is expected of me. Where do I get my confidence or strength from? I need the high standards to strive for something. I need to want more from this accident. I don’t want to be someone who ‘just got better.’ I am, naturally, going to get better. As long as I’m alive, I will get better. Slowly. But I want more to come out of this. I need to strive for more. More has to come out of this accident. I expect, from all the people close to me, nothing more than I expect from myself. If I can grow and change from this, you can too. So, yes, I will have high standards and expect patience from my loved ones. It’s hard, I know, but I need to be shown it is possible.