Feelings

It’s late

1:45 am to be exact. I’m going to die not because of a car but from the stress people cause me.

When am I gonna be the person I was before? The person that didn’t get close to anyone and wasn’t friends or try to be friends with people? It’s the ones that I trust in what they’re saying and give them more of my time that turn out to be someone I gave my friendship to them too soon or too much.

It sounds like I’m dating them. That’s what it feels like.

I have been frustrated trying to gain the friendship of another that doesn’t want to be friends with me. I don’t think I’m a bad friend. If I were, I wouldn’t have had as many friends as I did at my hospital visit. That just wouldn’t have happen.

Anyway, it’s hard being ‘friends’ with someone that doesn’t value it or consider you as one. That feeling sucks. Friendships and romantic relationships are not too different. Minus the ‘love’ grossness. It’s a different ‘love’ but ‘love’ none the less.

I can confidently say that I’m direct. No matter what it is, I can say it. If I’m telling someone else something, well, I have no problem telling you. With that, I expect you to do the same. One cannot learn from their mistakes if you avoid telling them. How is another supposed to know what they did wrong? How can someone be self aware if they don’t know what they did wrong to begin with? No one in perfect. Avoiding conflict benefits no one except you. It doesn’t ‘damage’ your Ego. If you were wrong, it does but if you were right, then the opposite happens. Self fulfilling prophecy has made you confident that you, in fact, know this person. But when you assume that you know people and you respond to the next person the same way, then you feel defeated. This causes one to retreat and prevents them from confronting again.

I don’t like doing that and don’t like it when it’s done to me. I have never had a reason to get mad about it. Nothing to get mad at someone for it. I will, however, get mad that you bring it up months or years from now and expect me to do something about it. Or use it during a fight that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. That shit is annoying. If you waited that long to say anything about it, it wasn’t a big deal then. I’ll be mad that it took so long for it to come out.

Especially nowadays, I genuinely wanna know if I do or say something wrong to someone. I want to know because I’m still learning myself and others. It only helps me. I can change the way I respond or act. I can not do it again. It teaches me what to be conscious about. It’s beneficial to me. It is. Now, if you start fighting with me without telling me, all hell will break loose.

I know how to say sorry and mean it.I make mistakes. Oh and I know how to forgive if you know how to apologize.

Moral of the story: I’ll tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings/upset me. Without a problem. Please, do me a favor: Tell me when I do something wrong. It won’t hurt my feelings.

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Today

Must see

I didn't edit this entry. Tread lightly.

I got up to see Atomic Blonde today with friends and some cousins. I loved the movie. This is a movie all girls and women should see. The main character and lead of the film is a lady. A woman! All eyes are on her. She runs the show and I was swooning!

I want to be Lorraine. I was happy that they never gave the main male character a part as big. She kicked ass. Literally, kicked many men. They didn't have her character sleep with the male character. I was hoping and wishing they wouldn't and they didn't! That made me love the movie more. I was worried that they would bring in a man 'to save the day.' Spoiler Alert: they didn't. Thank God!

I wanna be Lorraine Broughton.

There are gonna be those: oh. She's a female. She's never be able to beat up those guys. Blah, blah, blah.

I wouldn't be able to do it. I have brain damage. So yes, I would probably die. But why not? 1-it's a damn movie. Let us have this. Someone is better than a man, even if it is a movie, and men get all butt hurt and go all…this isn't real. Women can't do that. Hey. A lot of men can't do the shit on the big screen. Sit the fuck down. We're gonna play that game? For real. Men can't do any of the stuff they see. A woman in the Marines would have you eat your ass. A female blackbelt would as well. Anybody with training of any sort can do it. Just because you're a man doesn't mean you're automatically better. Being a man doesn't mean shit anymore anyway. Women can have babies without a man. Men get all butt hurt when a female doesn't need them. Almost as if they have nothing to live for other than finding a woman to plant their seed. Not the case.

Not the case at all. Women can do it alone. We can. That's the problem. Men can't do it alone. Men are the hunters, yeah? Women can do that too. Oh and they can prepare the hunted food. They can find a home. They can forage. Men know how to fight. Women can learn to fight and do it better.

People tend to put others down when they threaten their status. May it be their strength or mental status. When that happens, the person feeling threatened will start highlighting what the person can't do. That's to make themselves feel better about themselves. What I'm getting at is this is what people, now a days, do.

Men, start talking about all the things women can't do. Other women do that about their own gender. I believe that these women know they can't do it alone so they talk up the males about how they do all these things and how we can't do it without them. I don't believe it.

Those women can't do it alone. They need a man. I am brain damaged. I don't need a man. I want a man to be there for me. That's different. I need my parents. I don't need a man. No woman needs a man.

Feelings, Update

Friends and Family

To friends and family members I've lost touch with and those who have tried to reach out in the past or recently, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we lost touch/I didn't do my part in the friendship. I know, I know…life gets in the way sometimes. We grow up and do bigger, better things. Naturally, people grow apart. That's okay.

There are old friends/family that tried to reconnect with me and I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry that you are no longer in my life. I'm sorry I didn't keep it up.

I appreciate everyone that came to the hospital or sent messages of love. My heart is so big. People from my past came out of the woodwork, individuals that I would have never expected anything from. It kills me that I don't remember everyone there or remember everything that was said or given to me.

My parents and sister have done the best they can to share what they do remember of February/March and onwards. There was a lot going on for everybody, not only for me.

I just wanted to use this post to thank everyone. Thank you driving up to Long Island from Pennsylvania and Middletown. Thank you for flying from Florida to see me. Thank you for making my family feel at ease. Thank you for the handmade gifts and gifts. Everyone knows me too well…Thank you for it all. Thank you for thinking of me even though we have nothing in common. I'm thankful for all that was done. I don't know how I could ever return the favor. Even though what you did was small in your eyes, it meant the world to me.

I have quite a few mandalas from those who got the chance to color one in for me. I have some cards. I have my Disney paraphernalia except the Belle that Stephanie gave me 😦 sorry Steph! I promise it was given a new home! ❤️

The world is small yet big. We're surrounded by all these people. There are people that think of you even if you don't think of them. People appreciate you more than you know it. Even if someone pisses you off they have a place in your life. Good or bad. Either way, appreciate them. You never know when that'll be the last time you share an interaction with that person. Unless they're a true psychopath or sociopath, everyone has some good in there somewhere.

Thank you and I love you. I, for real, do.

Feelings

Understand me

I have people in my life telling me that I’m the same person I was before the accident. My best friend told me that I am different but I am the same too.

I appreciated that response. It was honest and it wasn’t a response that was trying to make me feel better. It was a response that confirmed what I already knew about myself. It’s nice when that happens.

Confirmation isn’t a bad thing. I don’t feel worse about myself. I don’t want to commit suicide because you told me the truth of how I am now and how it used to be. It isn’t a bad thing. If I am different there is nothing wrong with that. Things in my life have changed. That is reality. I want to be told what I know is true or if it isn’t, old or new. Sometimes, I get confused and need help getting it all straightened out in my head.

I do, however, want to be acknowledged. I want my feelings and thoughts to be acknowledged. I want to be given the chance to have the emotion or whatever it is to myself. I want the person in front of me to give me the right away to have those emotions. I don’t want to be told I’m wrong. That is what I want in an acknowledgement. I’m having the reaction because of something you said. Let me have it and go from there.

I want to be heard. I want every emotion and thought to be mine. I don’t want to be told it’s wrong. I want those to be respected. I think majority of the time, I want confirmation when I’m unsure of myself. When I question the past with the present. I get like that. Not often but it happens on occasion.

Most arguments happen because one person is telling the other they’re wrong. Their feelings aren’t wrong. They just misunderstood you. Either way, no one is wrong when it comes to their feelings. That isn’t fair. Understand first, then explain yourself better but don’t tell them they’re wrong. They have those emotions for a reason.

I really don’t appreciate when I am told my feelings are wrong for being what they are. Acknowledge my emotions/feelings/reactions. Tell me you’re sorry and then explain what you tried to say… we’ll go from there.

Oh! and don’t apologize and follow it with “but.” Say you’re sorry for doing “blah, blah” and follow it with what you tried to explain. No “but.” That doesn’t mean you’re sorry.

I really hope you guys do get what my rambles are saying. I do try to make sense. It works in my head, dunno if it works typed out or written out.

Feelings, Update

Moods, feelings, and stuff

I don’t remember if I mentioned that my Lamictal was increased. I probably did but yes. My doctor increased my medication just in case I was having bigger seizures. He increased my medication to 150 mg. That is way more than I was taking before.

I want to remind you that Lamictal is both a seizure medication and mood stabilizer. SO, me losing my shit as decreased. I know I have to be on this for my seizures but it also doubles as a mood stabilizer so I’m having control of my emotions. This is a good thing, but I don’t want to rely on medication for emotions/mood.

I may ask to be switched to a medicine that is only for seizures and see how that goes. I see my doctor every 6 months so I’ve got time ’till then.

I have been noticing that I can let go of situations with ease. I bicker to myself and complain but I’m not fighting with my family. I have found that because I don’t yell and scream I fall back but I don’t get it out of my system. All my anger and frustration gets put to the side and I just want to be alone. This has happened a couple of times. I just sat there and cried. Oh, and I want to destroy things. Before my medication, things were walls and whatever is lying around (like my cell phone) Now, that ‘thing’ is my leg.

I don’t cut myself. I get this crazy feeling that I should but I hold back. My mind goes into hyper drive and nothing seems to work. Crying doesn’t and I know better. I punch my leg really hard (doesn’t hurt in the moment) and that gets me off the idea. I wasn’t getting the urge to do something like that before when I was yelling and screaming. It is a great thing to hold myself back from losing my shit and destroying the apartment but I’m afraid that because I’m not doing that I am gonna take it out on myself. No one can see how that could be a result of all this. I have no where to put my anger anymore. I would hit walls and I did hit my legs but I never got this urge that I am nowadays.

I am aware of what is going on. That is the difference I believe. I know better and that is my saving grace. I can think quicker than I did before. I am able to weigh my options now and whether or not it is worth my reactions. It gives me a few seconds.

If I do come off Lamictal, does that mean I go back to how I was before the meds? What if everything is undone and my brain didn’t learn anything to do that work without the medication? I dunno. This is probably not the case (lol). I’m being absurd. I know. I have nothing to do but over think stuff like this.

This is mostly a good thing. I know things won’t go back to the way it was before the medication. Maybe I am afraid. It’s not maybe I know I am. Ugh, whatever.

Feelings, Update

Better safe than sorry

Last week was 4th of July weekend. I started the weekend with pain on my sides or as it was called by the ER, flank pain. Then the pain turned in into a burning sensation that wasn’t going away.

I knew it wouldn’t be a problem but I was over thinking it. It wasn’t going away and I didn’t know what it was. It has never happened to me before.

My sister took me to the ER because it was late and my primary doctor called it a night by now. We got there around 8pm. We didn’t leave the hospital until 3am (-_-) It took so long. At one point me and Nese started being delirious. It was getting late and we were SO TIRED.

I regretted going but it’s better to know than not know. It turns out that I was having sorta symptoms for shingles. I had burning on both of my sides and usually for shingles its on one side. They did the necessary tests, I believe. They did a urine test and blood test. They took a chest Xray, I dunno what that was for but I went for it. As long as I didn’t have to have to have an MRI done, I was good. That came back clean. So there wasn’t something dire wrong.

I have an appointment to see my primary doctor next Tuesday. So we’ll see what she says…

I have been doing better with the control of my emotions but it isn’t perfect just yet. I have a way to go. I have come a long way though. Last year I was no where near where I am now.

Regardless of what anyone says to me, I am doing so much better. I am more likely to get into an argument with someone because I am better at expressing myself. It’s not that I am angrier…I’m able to vocalize what I am feeling. I have the words I didn’t have before.

Everyone handles me better when it’s good feelings I’m talking about but once I start talking about bad feelings… Things get uncomfortable for that person.

Either way, I am doing better. I am. 😬

Feelings

Positive???

I know I need to be positive and have a good outlook on everything. Sometimes though, I have days that I cannot be positive. I am still human. I still have emotions. I still have negative thoughts. I am not a robot. I cannot be programmed to be happy and in a good mood at all times. 

I know I am getting better. I know it’s going to take time. I know being positive is something I need to be to get better but I can’t do it all the time. It’s exhausting. I am living whatever this is. It’s really tiring. Sometimes I just need to be alone. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. 

I know everyone is trying to be nice and make whatever I have wrong with me not a bad thing. But I am living this and sometimes I am not sugar coating what is going on with me. That does not mean I am not positive. That means I am seeing what’s wrong the way it is. I’m not pretending that all this stuff isn’t happening. Just because I am stating the realities of some things does not mean I am not positive about my recovery. 

I am positive about it. I know it’ll get better. That doesn’t mean I have to ignore my reality. I really dislike the word ‘positive.’ 

If you haven’t sensed it, I am not in a good mood writing this at the moment. I don’t know if all this make sense to everyone. 😕

Feelings, Today

This week wasn’t all bad

Last week was an emotional week but not as emotional as one would expect? Maybe I expected myself to be worse when losing a loved one. I think things are harder when a loss is unexpected.

Anyway, moving on…I have been insanely frustrated this past week. I don’t know what it is. It might be the passing of Gpa but I think that is adding to an already existing issue.

I am physically okay. I talk and look the part. I look like I have it together and that is what everyone sees. For people I am just meeting or isn’t around all the time, I am a bit more patient. I know that they don’t know and they wouldn’t easily understand.

I talk at a normal speed. I walk at a functional speed that no one is gonna be wondering why am I that slow. As a result of those things, everyone makes the assumption that I am thinking fast enough, that I have my thoughts together, and that I have all the words at my disposal.

It’s nice that everyone thinks so highly of me but it does me a disservice. I may have the talk down it seems but my brain is not working as fast as yours. It might come off that I am functioning like you but I am not. My brain is slower than my speech. I can’t keep up. I get frustrated not because of the topic but because things aren’t at my speed. I get frustrated because the things you are saying to me are too fast. It is for me. You think you are slow but no sir, you are not.

I’ll work on getting the art up. I can’t make up my mind. Should I start with new? or back track? Maybe I’ll put up something new and when I can’t make something new I back track. I think what I’ll do is put up something new that I have been working on. Make note of the song that I am listening to or TV show I am watching. I’ll write about what I am feeling and what has been going on in the week. I’ll get it up and functioning soon…I just have to make decisions. I have become this indecisive person that is unfamiliar to me. Eh. It is what it is.

Feelings

Hello March…

The first day of spring (aka Bahar) is almost here… If only it felt like spring here in New York 😒 

Let’s back track a bit… My name is Bahar. I am Turkish that is why my name is different (just case you didn’t notice). It is a word in the Turkish language and it is the word used for the season, spring. My father named me… I think. 😬

Anyways, I am gonna talk about how much I hate snow. The older I get, the more I want nothing to do with snow. When I was little, there was something I got out of it- potentially not going to school. That is a legitimate reason to want snow. Now, it doesn’t put a hold on everything. People still have to go to work. You still have to function regardless of the snow. Snow just makes normal activities a little more annoying. 

I, especially, hate snow now because then I’m limited even more. It’s too cold for me to move ie. Walk and I can’t drive so I have to depend on everyone else to drive, if they are up for it. It means I am stuck in the house and I hate it. It is the worst. I cannot wait for summer to roll around. Actually, I’ll be happy if the snow just melts…then it means it’s not cold enough for snow. 

I’ll take rain too. I don’t know how correct my statement is but I make myself feel better about the rain by saying that it isn’t cold enough for the rain to turn into snow. It works for me. Another reason to love the rain… 

Putting the weather aside a bit…I don’t feel like I got a hold on my life. Just when I feel like I’m in a good place I am reminded that I am not doing enough or missing something. I don’t know how to explain it really. The other day I cried because I found an old schedule I made for myself that I no longer use. Now, I know that I have come along way from that schedule but I still feel like I am not on track…I feel like I am not doing everything I want to or could be doing. 

I might have mentioned it before but I am looking at this accident as an opportunity to better myself. This is my chance to do things the way I only thought about doing. This is my opportunity to make changes and I feel like I am not doing well. 

I know this is a personal problem of mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to me. I have high standards for myself even if it doesn’t seem it. I am so much harder on myself than anyone knows or believes. 😕 I can’t undo that…

This shit is hard, guys. There is nothing wrong with me physically but I’ll take that it over this mentally messed up shit, any day. I get angry thinking aboth this. 😤so frustrating…