clear the air, Feelings

I forget

I was in a car accident on February 15th, 2013. I was driving my sister and I to work. I was rear ended in traffic. As a result, my injuries involved my head. My sister suffered a concussion, as well. 

Fast forward to 2017, I am better. I am a worlds away from 2013. I can walk and talk. I can laugh and cry. I’m not at my prime. I can’t do a large chunck of things I used to do or that you can do. It’s okay, tho. I try to make it work for myself. 

I walked away with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and an effect of that is short term memory loss. I have become very sensitive about this. It gets under my skin when my memory is challenged by, especially, someone that is supposed to know me or has some knowledge of my injuries. 

I understand the whole, ‘I’m not with you that often’ ‘I have a life that doesn’t always involve you.’ Trust me, I get it. But it’s kinda basic. This is the most uncomplicated problem I have. This doesn’t require a text book or doctor to explain to you what is going on with this brain injury. 

I have moments that are like Dory from Finding Nemo. You’re gonna say ‘that’s a movie,’ well, guess what? Shit like that happens. If you forget then why the hell am I held to the same standard you’re held at to remember?

Anyway, I repeat stories. I ask the same question, all the time. I don’t know what I last did with my glasses. I have to write things down. It’s to have said written thing at hand to make sure I have it at hand. I have to repeat things to have it in long term memory. Emotions I remember. A feeling I have is familar and brings back the memory. I’ll remember situations because I had a strong emotion tied to that moment. Strong feeling like sadness or anger. 

The reason for this post to explain that I’m starting to get angry when the person in front of me is talking to me like: ‘why don’t you remember?’ And they say it in a way or rather, the way I interpret is: ‘how can you forget something that just happened?’ I don’t appreciate it. It’s like a joke. No. I don’t remember. It would be nice to say it in a less demoning way. But hey, what do I know? How can I not remember? 

I’ve been taking great offense to this lately. The more it happens the more it upsets me. I do know that no one does it on purpose and they do forget, too. I understand that immensely. When I repeat myself don’t get angry and tell me I said that already. Don’t get frustrated. Without putting me down, gently, tell me that I told you already. Be nice about it. It can’t be a Duh moment became I don’t have those. 


Happy 4th of July!!

Hay, guys! I know I have been slacking off. I missed writing an entry last week. This week, I know, everyone is busy and has fireworks to catch. I will keep it simple today!


Please be careful this weekend. Enjoy your drinks, but don’t drive. Make sure you have a back up plan. Be good to your pets! They enjoy 4th of July as much as you but once those fireworks go off…it’s not so much fun anymore. Put sunblock on, guys! No need for skin cancer.

But most of all, just have a good time. Spend time with friends and family.

Have fun!!!

(See ya next week!)


Gamze’s Kina Gecesi…

So, Thursday was my beautiful cousin, Gamze’s, henna (kina) night (gecesi). It was a delight. She was beautiful. She knew what she was doing. The night wasn’t at a house. They wanted more people there that their house could handle. It was still small compared to what it could have been. I didn’t do much dancing because… well… I can’t. I mean, I guess, I could dance if I wanted to but I can’t dance the way I want to or the way I used to.

I mean I wasn’t the best dancer, by any means, but I wasn’t the worst. I was able to keep up and now? I look like a 3 year old trying to dance. Anyone that tells me otherwise, well, you’re lying to me to make me feel better… or attempt to make me feel better.

I ended up crying when I was told to try and have fun. I know I could try but it won’t be the same. I know this and you know this. It doesn’t make me feel better. It’ll happen one day… but it wasn’t Thursday night.

Here are some pictures! lol

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The wedding is on Sunday. It’ll be a blast. I cannot wait. In the mean time, I am sleeping… :DIl



A Muslim Christmas

This week was pretty busy and because we don’t celebrate it, my sister, my two cousins, and I go to our friend, Stella’s house for Christmas. We have been doing this for some time now and I look forward to it every year. Dinner was amazing, as always. We had dessert! Hot chocolate was there and we played some Settlers of Catan… The night wouldn’t be complete without that game. The kids were too funny. I had an awesome time. Here are some fotos from that night:

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Thennnnnn yesterday was Donna’s birthday. We went out to a hookah bar, upon the birthday girl’s request. It wasn’t a bad time. We went to Tiki Hookah Bar in Farmingville. We had some drinks and our hookah. We went to another bar and the night fell apart with us. We were tired and it was a long night. When I say long night, you’re probably thinking that we got home at like 5am. We were done for the night by 1am. (-_-) We ordered our Domino’s and played our game… You guessed right… Settlers of Catan 😀

Well, here we are now. Having an average day. We went to IHOP today for lunch and just finished playing Catan. Here’s pictures from last night…

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New year’s should be interesting as well. I will probably do nothing… lol but you never know…

Feelings, The new me

My filing cabinets

The best way to explain to everyone how my brain is working at the moment is with filing cabinets.

Imagine a giant room filled with filing cabinets. In those cabinets are everything about my life. My likes, dislikes, events, people, travels, whatever you can think of. The room is so large that even with a normal brain (Mine is not normal anymore. She is not ‘crazy’ either) it’s hard to find what you are looking for (forgetting moments or details).

My filing cabinet room is all over the place. All the memories are not organized and not everything is where it needs to be. You know, if you went through the paperwork on the floor, you’d find what you are looking for. But there are so much paperwork to go through, that it isn’t a job that is going to take a night or week. This is a life time of paper work and there’s constantly new paperwork coming in. It seems like it’s never gonna end.

That’s how I imagine my brain to be functioning at the moment. My short term memory is awful but it has gotten tremendously better. I am using my phone to remind me of daily stuff I gotta get done like taking my medication or plans with friends. It makes the job easier.

I need cues. My mother and sister help with that. If I don’t remember what I did earlier in the week, I ask for help. I don’t want the whole event explained to me. I just need a cue to get the process going. The rest of the memory comes flooding back with a single word and I can take it from there.

I can do it on my own, the memory is there on the floor in the filing cabinet room, but it can take hours, days, or weeks to sort through everything. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to find the needed memory.

I know that everyone else needs to do that, too. I remember how my brain worked before. I understand that everyone is trying to make me feel better and show me that things are the same but I need help with what I did in general on a day, forget the details. It’s the details that functioning brains have trouble with…I have trouble with the over all memory of knowing I did it.

This is why I am ready for good or bad feedback. If I am doing something wrong, I have no problem being told what I did wrong. I don’t know what to look for and what your body language might mean. I don’t know what your words could mean. I don’t know have access to all of it fast and sometimes, it takes days for me to realize you had an issue with what I said…well, that is, if I remember it.

Of course, if you are attacking me, me listening goes out the window. If you sit down and talk to me like the human I am, I’ll listen. This is because my filing cabinets are all over the place and I have no time to figure out what worked for you and what didn’t. It’s easier to be told what takes me a while to figure out on my own. I don’t get offended. I am broken and I know it. I welcome any feedback. My servant has been working her ass off to get my filing cabinets organized properly… there was no guarantee that she can get it back exactly the way it was but at least this way, she knows which cabinets are yours and where to find it.

I guess, if I need cues, then some cabinets are intact? Maybe some got jumbled up. I need to make sure the cabinets have the right paperwork in them…This analogy is getting outta hand. 😀 It’s simple yet complicated. I dunno. Just know, this is hard.

The new me, Update


I spent a week in Florida, last week. Well, I met Joey and Robbie there on the 24th of October and flew back on the 1st of this month.

I am so thankful that I was asked to go and did go. Joey was kind enough to think of me and it was so good to get away by myself. I needed it. It was an opportunity to show myself that I’d be okay without my parents or my sister. I didn’t realize how dependent I have become of them. At the same time, my family needed to be forced to see that I can handle myself on my own. I dunno. It was a push in the right direction…whether we were ready or not…

Anyways, I don’t want to get all sappy and make it about what I learned…obviously, I learned stuff. I’m home now and I have decided that when I retire I will probably do what other men and women do when they retire…make their way down south. They do it for a reason and I will be of those people (probably). If I don’t make it happen sooner.

So, we were at all the parks. We, eventually, made it to Universal to get to Harry Potter World (totally worth it). We were housed at the Contemporary. We ate at a swanky restaurant at the hotel. Had our cigar nights for some real talk (which was pretty rad). Ya know, I had a good time.

I have gone to Florida before with these two and it was never as relaxed as it was this time. It was exactly what I needed. We saw everything and did the important stuff. It wasn’t rushed. I felt good.

I got to see and spend time with Jenn and her cousin, JJ. We all spent all day, Saturday, at Hollywood Studios. It was awesome. We took the best picture on the Tower of Terror. Yeah, we planned it and it was perfect 😀

We took some selfies with characters, had breakfast at Ohana at the Polynesian hotel, had dinner at the California Grill, I had a lot of lattes, had dinner at Be Our Guest aka Beast’s castle in Magic Kingdom (I wanted this to happen sooo bad) and had the “grey stuff’ (it was delicious), rode the Hogwart’s express, and had lunch at Krusty Burger. It was a pretty awesome week…

Oh! and we collected a lot of candy on Halloween at Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween…Yeah, it was my kind of Halloween.  I was a flower and I got 4 compliments on my costume that my sister made 😀

Here are some pictures for you to be jealous of…

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I could bore you with every detail of my trip. Just know that I had an awesome time, spent too much money, and got away from home. I needed this.

The new me

I’ll get it right. Eventually.

My friend Louis asked me some questions that he had after reading my last post. I enjoyed answering his questions. We’re human, we all have curiosities/questions, and I am happy to answer them. I don’t mind at all. So bring them on Louis… and World. I’m ready.

The conversation I had with Louis via Facebook was helpful in that it helps me to see what others are understanding or not understanding. I want to attempt to give others some idea of what is going on with me. I am not 100% certain, the doctors aren’t, and I don’t expect others to be after reading this blog but its worth a try. Anyways, talking to Louis gave me a glimpse of what I may or may not be explaining clearly.

I seem to remember events/moments specifically when I have a strong emotion attached to that event. Not to say I won’t remember anything… I surprise myself sometimes with the things I remember. When it’s a positive emotion or negative emotion though, I am more likely to retain the moment. I think that happens because I keep replaying that specific moment over and over again in my head. It’s like having a phone number constantly repeated back to you and you have the numbers or at least some of them, stored in your memory. I am functioning like a normal human, in the end, but I do have some odd things occurring that are not quite normal… whether I like it or not.

Like I told Louis that day (oh the I remember the conversation because I saved it so I refer back to it) I don’t mind the questions. I don’t. I don’t have many exciting things going on so I welcome the questions with open arms. I enjoy it.

I have the memories stored somewhere but I just don’t have it at my disposal. The way I like to explain it is like this: Before the accident my memories or files were organized. All my memories/files were stored neatly in the cabinets. Now, the memories/files have to be reorganized. Everything is are all over the floor. The memories are there but it takes a while to find the paperwork because its all over. It is going to take some time to get everything functioning normally again. New memories are harder to find out. It takes a while to sort through everything. Old stuff is easy to handle.

Before, everything was easy to find but now I need cues to help me guide me thru the files. Once I got the cue, I can bring in the rest with ease. Louis asked if I get confused by the tone of the conversation or frequency. I do get confused with frequency and tone but that has nothing to do with remembering stuff. That has to do with misunderstanding people and how I am not processing information the right way.

I misunderstand A LOT but that has nothing to do with what I remember… at least I think. Remembering moments without help, takes a lot out of me. I write in a journal. I have been keeping it since I got out of the hospital. Mostly for the memory part. If I miss a day it isn’t a big deal but two or three days – I need to ask mom or my sister. Again, they tell me one word about the day and I can bring up the rest on my own. I will eventually remember on my own… but like a week later. I’ll be doing something else and I’ll randomly remember what I did last Wednesday. (-_-) By then, a week is too late.

We shall see if I am able to remember what Pluviophile means.

In reality, most people don’t remember things like that with ease, that I know, but it is not about a word or definition in specific. Everyone forgets small stuff that they did or said that day and I shouldn’t expect a lot of myself. But the reason why you’re forgetting is different than mine. You forget things not because your brain isn’t working properly it’s because you have other things to worry about. If you didn’t have other things to occupy your brain with… you’d remember. I, however, do nothing but sit on the couch and forget things… just because.

I hope I’m not confusing you more, Louis. I am not completely helpless- I know this despite what some people might think- I am talking to you cousin- but I or anyone else cannot forget that some things are happening and I am trying to work them into my life now. That is what is occupying my life at the moment and it is not easy. Things you, the reader, don’t think about because it’s second nature, well, I have to. I remember how things were for me once upon a time and the things I never thought about, like walking down the stairs or drinking water while listening to music, I have to think about now, (otherwise down the stairs I go or choke on the water). Don’t get me wrong, everyday is easier than the day before but I’ll get into that next time about how I can’t do two things at once.

Feel free to share your questions with me. I will try my bestest to answer them without confusing you more… that’s to you LuLu.