The new me

The Good and the Bad

The better I get, the lazier I become. How does one break this cycle?

After coming home from the hospital, I had this awesome energy to get things done. I was productive. I did what I said I would do. I was committed to getting things done. I would make a list of things I planned to do and I did it. I wasn’t comfortable not doing what I had written down. I started this blog with the intention to write an entry every Friday. Then, it turned into Saturday…Sunday and now, I write one at any time.

I wish I was still like that. I mean, I was doing other things other than this list. I needed something to keep me busy and feel like I did something with my day. It wasn’t a waste. Kind of gave me a purpose.

In the past year, so much has changed. I have been doing more. I have been social and going to events. I am doing things with friends and family on the weekends. That results in me being tired all week and not wanting to do anything. I am tired. It takes a week for me to get back to normal. During the week is when doctor appointments are scheduled. We’ll go food shopping. All those little things.

The older you get there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything. After doing shopping or watching tv/hanging with yourself, the next thing I know, the say has ended. Nothing that I wanted to do got done. The next day it’s the same. It’s a cycle.

So maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself about that. I may not be getting everything done on my list but…I am doing more than I was before.

This whole write up was hard to write. I’m so hard on myself. I have these high expectations; that’s why not checking off items on said list bothers me. I need to do everything. I used to not be like this. I need to relearn that it isn’t the end of the world. That it’s okay not to get everything done. I have to learn that it’s okay and to enjoy the day. If I’m not productive, I’ll do it tomorrow and if I can’t, we’ll, it wasn’t meant to be. I think this is difficult part. It’s gonna take a while for me to come to terms with it. I didn’t think it would be hard.

Some parts of your personality is from birth. Your likes and dislikes change but generally stay the same.

As you get grow up, you change/alter your personality that works or doesn’t work. It’s hard to really explain. There are core personality traits that are from birth. There are alterations. I was reset. I went back to what I used to be when I was younger. All the changes were undone.

I became this person that acts on her emotions. She gets close to people and hold them at high regard. One that trusts friends and family, unconditionally. That gets hurt often because of all of this. One that has to check off her list. Who has to have everything. Doesn’t leave anything to chance. That has to do everything her way and gets upset when someone doesn’t do it that way. Thinks that everyone wants her opinion. Believes everything everyone says. Gets upset that she doesn’t recycle or anyone recycles.

These are things that are still there, so maybe that’s just who I am but I had control of it. I knew what to suppress and what not to. I knew when I should let someone in. I knew that it wasn’t the end of the world if my list wasn’t done. I was aware that all people weren’t your friends. I knew I didn’t have to get everything done. All would and will be alright. The world will still be turning. All will be right in the world.

My list doesn’thave to be checked off all the time.

Here. Enjoy this picture. KBye.

clear the air, Today, Update


I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Today, Update


I don’t know who I am anymore. It is frustrating that when I think I know, I don’t. It is beyond frustrating. I am learning who I am once again.

I didn’t know this would be so hard. Especially, when you’re trying to cram in 25 years of work in like 5. It isn’t possible. We live in a world where we want everything to happen…now. Not 5 years from now. I’m kidding myself. 5 years is nothing. It comes and goes.

I feel like I need another 25 years to get to where I was. Maybe not 25 years, I got like 15 years functioning, can’t forget that. After all, I am not completely starting over.

I don’t have one area that I have to work on. No. It’s more a little bit of everything. It’s weird. Nothing that anyone notices. It’s only something I notice. I am at a point in my recovery that it’s the little things that I have to work on now.

Yes, I still have to work on my walking. But it’s more balance oriented. It involves coordination. It involves taking the steps I need with more control. Nothing that you pay attention to. I never did until this situation that I am in.

It’s weird. The next time you are walking down a set of stairs. Pay attention to where you put your hands and how you make the steps. That’s all. Just pay attention to the movements you are making and your ankles. These are little things you never thought about and is weird. Just actively taking note of it is tiring. You’ll notice all that is going on.

I have to think about all that plus more. I have to think about taking my next step, where my hands are going to be, I have to consciously slow myself down, I have to look ahead and see whether or not I can do whatever that is coming up next…There are so many processes going on in 1 minute. Nothing that you are actively thinking about, you just do.

People around me will notice that I don’t talk much when were walking around. I have been trying to more and more lately. I am trying to get used to multitasking. I tend to be behind of the group. Most of it is because I can’t walk and talk at the same time, all because I have other things that I am thinking about. My brain is already busy. Sorry.

I am learning to do these things. Learning is the biggest part of this whole process. I have to learn who I am and what I am capable of. What I thought I was, I may not be anymore. That’s what is frustrating, most of all.

The new me, Update


Yeah, I don’t know why I’m as overwhelmed as I am sometimes. I do it to myself really. I set myself up for failure and I get all panicked when I didn’t get done all that I set up to get done.

I need to take in a deep breath and just let it be. That is easier said than done. Earlier this week started that way. I set up goals for myself for the day but I didn’t need to get it done and I was okay with that. By the time Friday hit, I was back where I started. There wasn’t enough hours in the day anymore.

I need to limit one goal for the day. Something big, like working on my Etsy shoppe, as my main focus for the day. Then the next day, working on my handwriting and so forth. I just can’t set goals up in a way that I can’t get them done. I usually set my day up to: work on my handwriting, my Etsy shoppe, clean my room, and organizing my arts and crafts closet. That’s only for a day. One already knows I’m not putting all my attention into one activity, therefore, whatever I did is half done.

I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. I need to take my day slow with getting shit done. I am not wonder woman. Not yet. I am working on her but I can’t rush the process. I know. Like I said just before, this shit is easier said than done.

I am also aware that I am the one person who always has a solution for everyone’s problems and am quick to offer my solution. I am aware that most of the shit I have said to people is easy, in theory.

I know what I should do and how I should do it. Nope. Not easy. It isn’t automatically easier for me because I was forced into this new life either. This is just as hard as it would have been before.

Also, when I do something in my day, I can’t do it in, let’s say, an hour. No. I need like the whole day. Who am I kidding when I try to cram in 3877348 things into the day? I will never get them checked off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will start my day with the exercising bit and then clean my room. I’ll work my way from there. Small goals. One at a time. That is how I got myself to drinking only water. #proud 🙂

The new me, Update


I probably wrote another post about my balance but not this kind. I have awful balance…my physical balance. The kind that involves walking and standing on two feet. That is one of the reasons why I cannot dance. Why I, also, can’t make sudden movements… AT ALL.

My balance act on flat land is like you being on a tightrope. Yeah, that is about right. When I am trying to perform my act on this foreign flat land my ankles are on of those things that keep me off track. They start shaking and become unstable to keep my body still.

It is so easy to throw me off. I will not hold your baby or play with a child. They are unpredictable and can very easily throw me off. The child and I can end up on the floor. I won’t be able to protect said child in any way. So, I sit and play or talk to the little human. I can hold a child before they walk and learn how to use their arms. That I can handle…If their parent is close.

Yeah, I am a danger to all humans that are not able to function properly without help orrrr someone unpredictable. I’d be the one getting hit by a car (I can make jokes like that but you can’t) because she can’t jump away quick enough. I am slow mostly because I cannot be fast. It throws me off.

Eh. Gotta just make the best of it. This is what life is for me nowadays. My life will always come back to the accident. I’ll deal.



Did you know…

that your ankles do a lot of work to keep you from falling over? I didn’t. I just assumed my feet and legs were doing all the work. Until now…

I’ve realized that in PT that my ankles had to do with my balance and walking. I knew they were weak, like the most of me, but I didn’t get it. I never thought twice about them. Ankles. Yeah, everyone has them. They’re there. They’re important but why?

I mean I don’t know why, but I do know that they do a lot of shit that no one thinks about.

In PT, whenever I was asked to do anything that involved balance or something that had me put all my weight was on one leg, my ankles would shake. They still do. I don’t remember what it was I was doing exactly for that to happen but I do remember them going nuts.

For my cousin’s henna night, I wore heels. That was the first time I wore heels. I wore thick heels because they are more stable. I had to keep walking once I started. I wasn’t able to stop short to talk or say ‘hi’ to anyone. I just apologized and kept going. I just have to wear the heels whenever I can, around the house or start smaller than I did.

Either way, I have weak ass ankles. I need to make sure they don’t give up on me. I also have this fear that they will just stop supporting me. I keep picturing a scene from the movie ‘Hostel.’ The scene is when one of the killer men, cuts the prisoner’s Achilles tendon in both legs so he/she wouldn’t run away. The person just fell over. I imagine my ankles doing that on their own. I don’t know where I get this from but I did and I’m all about making my ankles decent. I don’t want to feel like, if I do something new, they might stop working (-_-)

Funsies, Update


I missed last week. I was too involved with everything and everyone. Which is a good thing because that means I am doing normal things that normal people do.

Last week, I went to see my neurologist. This was the first doctor’s appointment I went without my mother. It felt good to do that on my own. I had to use my phone to have something to refer to. I wrote all the things I had to tell the doctor so I wouldn’t forget.

One of the things I told him was that for the past few weeks, my left arm would get twitchy, for no apparent reason. It wouldn’t be going on all day. It wouldn’t be a constant muscle spasm. I don’t know how to explain it really. Either way, I told the doctor and his face dropped. He told me that I might be having focal seizures. My mood stabilizer medication has another purpose. I have to take the 25mg Lamictal twice a day. That is for now. Next week, I will be going for an EEG. With that, hopefully, I’ll know if I am having seizures for sure.

I am told not to jump to conclusions until I find out for sure if I am having the seizures… ’till then…

In the mean time, I am doing not much. That has been on my mind for the past week now. Here are some wedding fotos for you to check out… It is not much but its something.

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clear the air, Feelings


Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t like to regret anything. I don’t regret any of my decisions. I don’t regret people that have come and gone. I don’t regret anything. I know that whatever decision I have made to get there, was my own. I can say, “I did it to my self” or “I wanted to.” I knew that whatever happened, in the end, was my own doing and nothing can change that. But now, I feel the opposite.

I cannot even tell you a moment in my life that I regret. Regretting something feels awful. You cannot take the moment back and change it. It happened. Knowing this, I still regret that it happened.

For the first time in my life, I regret something happening. I am embarrassed we happened. Anyone close to me know what I am talking about… with that, I regret this summer.

I must be an awful person. Jeeze. I was asked not to talk to said person. Whoops, sorry, not asked, I was told to stay away and to leave said person alone. Heh. I guess I don’t know when to stop. But the problem just mayyy lie in the fact that when no one talks to me and tries to explain to me what the fuck is going on, I kinda lose it. I am not impossible.

I regret getting into my car to go to work that morning. I should have called in ‘sick’ and taken a birthday day off. I should have dealt with my breakup like a normal person. I should have just laid in bed until I was over it butttttt no. I couldn’t do that. Ughh. The things I regret now…

Why do I surround myself with people who don’t like to talk about things? Things like feelings? As soon as that comes into play, everyone’s out. This includes people close to me.

How come everyone knows what I am saying when it comes to their problems or someone else’s problems but as soon as I talk about what he/she have done to me, personally, they fall off the map? They don’t know what I am talking about. I must be crazy. That is what I am told – in some form or another.

…but I am an awful person. I don’t know when to stop talking. I don’t know how to end things. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to just end things the way they are.

Because I have so many things wrong with me, well, there must be an explanation for this. Yes, I am the one that got hurt in an accident and has a lot wrong with her… “She must be the problem, not me. Nothing happened to me.” And yes, I will continue using this accident as a scapegoat until it isn’t used against me. (there is A LOT of sarcasm going on up there ^ and no, people don’t say that to me. I am just assuming that is what is going on in everyone’s heads)

Don’t get me wrong. Everyone doesn’t use the accident against me. The people closest to me use that one. New people in my life, don’t, because they didn’t know me before or during.

In the end, I am using this entry to express my anger, like most of my entries. I have regretted this past summer. It was an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. I am trying to see the good in it, regardless, of how it went down. I know I regret everything, now, because I am angry/hurt. I know, in a month, I will be okay and I will see things in a different light.

Maybe I don’t regret. Maybe I am hurt. Maybe that’s what I am feeling. Maybe I’m confusing regret with anger. I think that is what is going on…

Why am I surrounded by people that firmly believe they did nothing wrong even when I tell them they did do something wrong? Just say sorry for hurting someone… Ughh! Just be sorry for making me feel awful. I feel this way for a reason and you are the cause for it. For some reason, people think that if they say “sorry” they are saying they take back everything. No. You are apologizing for making that person feel awful.

This whole apologizing thing really gets me going and I am surrounded by people who don’t understand that there is a difference in what you apologize for. You can forgive but it doesn’t mean you forget. “I am sorry for making you feel shitty but I am not sorry for who I am.” There has to be a better way to explain what I mean about apologizing but I am going to jump ahead and just say you get it. Heh.




Last night, I was at the bar with my loves and before we left I attempted to dance. Watching me dance, I imagine, is like watching a child. I don’t have any moves. I just bob up and down with my knees. I can’t do much else. It is freaking hard to move your feet and your body AND your arms at the same time to the music. Sheesh.

I am sorry to anyone who can’t dance and have told me they can’t. It is hard. 

I loved to dance and there wasn’t a reason not to if I felt the need to. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t an award winning dancer, but just simple dancing at the bar with your friends… well, I had that. 

I know this is something I have to work on. This is not something I will just get back. It is hard to move your feet and arms without falling on your face.

Nese, my sister, kept telling me to dance… because it was funny and she was drunk. Seda, my cousin, told me not to because she didn’t want me to hurt myself. (-_-) Can’t win… 

It was pretty funny! 

If a video or foto captured my magical moves… I’ll put it up next week for ya!

…’till then.