Feelings, Update

Is it too much?

I have been getting into fights at home and the recurring theme is: I expect too much from everyone. This whole ordeal is hard on them too.

Fair enough.

I know both worlds but when I say that or feel it, I feel selfish. However, to say I don’t know have an idea how anyone might feel or think is false. I do remember my old world, your world, but I have this new addition.

It’s unfair for me to expect family to understand or for me to say, “you could do more.” Others won’t be able to fully understand me unless they got injured themselves and I DO NOT want that to happen to anyone. Everyone’s hard times is hard because to them, in that moment, it is hard. That person does not know anything worse because they haven’t experienced it. You know there is worse in the world but that doesn’t make your situation any more or less. I don’t know if any of this works for you guys.

What I am trying to say at the end of all of this is, yes, I know the above to be true. My family can hear what I am saying and understand my words but they will never fully understand. I get that. I remember and if the roles were reversed, I do not see myself not getting frustrated or confused. I imagine it being incredibly hard. Expecting family members to be patient and strong, not even asking them, is rude on my part and is expecting too much from them. It may be hard but it is possible for change.

Granted, I was forced into these changes and in so many ways it is easier. On the contrary, this shit is no easier for me as it is for you to change. In fact, for family or friends to change is a conscious effort. To me, this means that you don’t want to put the effort in because it simply is too hard. 

That is the difference. I had no choice for this change. It happened, life moves on, and I have to go with the change to see my life through. Everyone else, has a choice. Change is hard. The choice to change is something you have to be willing to do.

I feel like I’m in this in between with this topic. I don’t know how to be okay with it. I go back and forth. Everyone’s experience that they know of is what’s real. Not everyone is empathetic. I can’t force empathy. I get that my family is having a hard time with how I am now and it isn’t easy. I know this but this other part in me is being selfish. They should  change. I changed they should too. They shouldn’t have the choice to back out. They shouldn’t have a choice in helping me emotionally. But then, the non-selfish side says, don’t be unfair. They didn’t ask for this just as much as you did.

I don’t know how to feel sometimes. I really don’t. Just when I think I got something figured out, I get reminded that I don’t have anything figured out. I wasn’t even close. I’ve always been the confident one that knew herself pretty damn well.

You know nothing, Jon Snow.

(btw, I can’t wait for that premiere this spring.)

I should show everyone my latest psychological review. It’s pretty interesting. Again, I’m sure there will be the judgmental group, thinking that I’m making it up or they simply don’t believe in psychology. Whatever. lol No one would say anything though, so there’s that. You’ll get that soon, folks. Keep it in your pants. Bye.

 

 

 

Advertisements
Update

…I’m back

I took a two week break from this because I was in Florida visiting my other half, Jenn.

It was a great 10 days. I didn’t do anything to exciting but it was nice to get away for a little. Change of pace.

I want PT to start up soon. I am waiting for a phone call telling me I can come in but ’till then. Maybe I’ll call tomorrow when I wake.

I’m a pretty positive person. For all that came from this accident, I am still very positive.

Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Whether you believe in God or not, this is something that is often said. Karma comes around to give you what you deserve, good or bad. We can say this accident happened to me because of the bad I’ve done. This is something I deserve. You may be right…

I do not believe I did anything wrong to warrant this result. This, of course, got me thinking; If this accident had happened to any of the people I know, I do not believe they would be as positive as I manage to be. I don’t know. Maybe I am giving myself too much credit. Maybe I’m  not giving everyone else the appropriate credit. I don’t know. Maybe I did deserve this. Who knows anymore.

I find myself thinking about things like this… It probably happens in my head to make myself feel better about all of this. I am not sure yet. I am trying to make this whole accident a positive thing. It can’t always be negative. That’s depressing. I don’t like it. It’s always gonna be there in my life and I can’t go around ignoring it. This accident is a part of me and has created the person I am now. Some things, as a result, get questioned.

I like to think that this accident chose me because I can make it into a positive while learning from it. Most people wouldn’t be able to. By thinking like this, well, it makes me feel better. I like to believe that this accident had to happen to someone. I was a strong enough individual for this to happen to. It makes me feel better.

This is how I process this accident. Is it correct? I do not know. Who would know? It’s my way to stay sane.

My brain is all over the place with any topic, really. I am not sure if I make any sense when I talk out loud or write an entry for this. So, enjoy your reading. I apologize if nothing makes sense. I know I know, I’m not giving myself credit either. Whatever. 😀

clear the air, The new me

…So little time

This passed weekend I went to my first college alumni weekend. 5 years have gone by since I graduated. It feels like I was in Scranton yesterday… well, I mean I was there last weekend lol but you get what I’m saying. So many things have happened since…

What happened in the last 5 years, you ask? I’ll tell you…

We moved into the apartment, we’re in now, from my aunt’s house. I got a car. I attended Long Island University to get my master’s in Clinical Art Therapy. I purchased a car. A white Chevy Cruze LTZ with leather seats…I loved that thing. I didn’t want a white car but that was the only color they had on the lot and I wasn’t willing to wait. (>_<)  I graduated from LIU with my master’s. I took the art therapy licensing exam required to work in this state as an art therapist. I failed by 3 points. I was working at a small publishing company.  I got into a car accident with my sister on my 25th birthday as we were on our way to work at the small publishing company.

In that 5 years, A LOT has happened. Good and bad. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Those 5 years feel like yesterday but so much has changed. So manyy things happened…I don’t have enough words to describe what I am feeling but I do know, I wouldn’t be who I am if these things didn’t occur.

The accident was the worse thing to happen in that group but you know what? I can’t be miserable about it. What happened, happened. I can’t change it. Sometimes it’s hard to be in a good mood all the time. Cut me some slack. I do know that I have things to look forward to. I can’t make my new life miserable and wishing it didn’t happen. It does happen though. I do have those days and nights…after all I am human.

I had one of those nights the other night. I was just over everything and was upset that things aren’t normal. I was told, over the weekend, that I was normal two years ago. (-_-) I was normal two years ago. Let me remind everyone reading this that two years ago, I got into an accident with my sister on our way to work at a publishing company. Because of that accident, I will always have this TBI there. That TBI doesn’t just go away despite what friends and family think. It isn’t something that heals like a broken bone. It’s going to take years.

If you plan on dealing with a normal human being, find me in like 10 years. Then maybe, just maybe things will be normal. My life isn’t what is used to be and isn’t going to be what everyone considers normal. I am going to get better but I am not going to be 100%. I feel that everyone expects me to be 100% but I can’t be and won’t be. There isn’t enough time for that to happen.

Don’t expect it because you won’t be getting it any time soon.

The new me, Update

Balance

I probably wrote another post about my balance but not this kind. I have awful balance…my physical balance. The kind that involves walking and standing on two feet. That is one of the reasons why I cannot dance. Why I, also, can’t make sudden movements… AT ALL.

My balance act on flat land is like you being on a tightrope. Yeah, that is about right. When I am trying to perform my act on this foreign flat land my ankles are on of those things that keep me off track. They start shaking and become unstable to keep my body still.

It is so easy to throw me off. I will not hold your baby or play with a child. They are unpredictable and can very easily throw me off. The child and I can end up on the floor. I won’t be able to protect said child in any way. So, I sit and play or talk to the little human. I can hold a child before they walk and learn how to use their arms. That I can handle…If their parent is close.

Yeah, I am a danger to all humans that are not able to function properly without help orrrr someone unpredictable. I’d be the one getting hit by a car (I can make jokes like that but you can’t) because she can’t jump away quick enough. I am slow mostly because I cannot be fast. It throws me off.

Eh. Gotta just make the best of it. This is what life is for me nowadays. My life will always come back to the accident. I’ll deal.

IMG_0135

Funsies

A Muslim Christmas

This week was pretty busy and because we don’t celebrate it, my sister, my two cousins, and I go to our friend, Stella’s house for Christmas. We have been doing this for some time now and I look forward to it every year. Dinner was amazing, as always. We had dessert! Hot chocolate was there and we played some Settlers of Catan… The night wouldn’t be complete without that game. The kids were too funny. I had an awesome time. Here are some fotos from that night:

 blog (1)image2blog (4)image1blog (3)blog (2)

Thennnnnn yesterday was Donna’s birthday. We went out to a hookah bar, upon the birthday girl’s request. It wasn’t a bad time. We went to Tiki Hookah Bar in Farmingville. We had some drinks and our hookah. We went to another bar and the night fell apart with us. We were tired and it was a long night. When I say long night, you’re probably thinking that we got home at like 5am. We were done for the night by 1am. (-_-) We ordered our Domino’s and played our game… You guessed right… Settlers of Catan 😀

Well, here we are now. Having an average day. We went to IHOP today for lunch and just finished playing Catan. Here’s pictures from last night…

image4image3blog (6)blog (5)

New year’s should be interesting as well. I will probably do nothing… lol but you never know…

Today, Update

Thanksgiving

Back to real life… Thanksgiving was spent at my aunt and uncle’s house. They made a mean turkey and my cousin, Seda, made some killer sides. I had a good night.

I ate a lot. My uncle at one point said, “I have only heard about how much you eat. This is the first time I have actually seen it for myself.” I ate more than I should. I was told to “stop” because “I had plenty.” I was compared to a “squirrel” and “chipmunk.”

All I know is that I had a delicious meal that tasted fantastic. I didn’t want it to end.

After the eating, us, cousins, played Settler’s of Catan. If you don’t know, get to know. It is pretty addicting for no reason. Maybe. I dunno. haha I love it. While playing games, we were treated to some blueberry pie. 😀

image1 image2 image3

image4 The End. Bye.

clear the air, Feelings

I can think for myself…

This has been an issue for me. Everyone means well, I know this but I can’t help and get offended. In the end, I am human and everyone else would feel the same. A lot of people would be quick to tell me they wouldn’t but it’s time to stop lying to yourself. Nobody knows they’re doing this but I can’t help feeling this way. The accident has made me temporarily sensitive…

I can make my own decisions.

I know how to make my them with thought. I do not need help doing that for myself. When I ask for help making a decision, no one is there. Then it’s, “you need to make choices for yourself. I can’t do that for you” (-_-)

I get help when it is convenient for others.

I get that people work like that, naturally, but I don’t get a choice in any of this, so, why do you get a choice in when to help me? I can make my own choices. My brain isn’t that damaged. Everyone is quick to tell me it isn’t and that I can do so much. Stop treating me like I am damaged when it works for you. None of this works for me, so, if you are currently in my life, nothing about our relationship is going to be convenient. If this doesn’t work for you than you’re not supposed to be in my life.

I dunno. Maybe I am making assumptions and jumping to conclusions but I have nothing else to go on. That is what everyone is  doing and why I am feeling that way. So, everyone’s are doing that. There is a reason why I am feeling like this despite intentions being good. Good intentions don’t make the way I am feeling go away… But thanks.

I feel as if everyone treats me different because of my injuries. I take all this to heart. I don’t like being treated like a child or talked to as if something isn’t right. Yes, things aren’t right. I know this. I do not need to be constantly reminded by it. I didn’t forget. I am always looking at my injuries straight in the face. I do not need everyone reminding me of something I already know. It doesn’t just slip my mind (-_-)

I don’t like being asked if everything is okay. Especially, if that person asks in the tone as if I’m fragile.  I get offended. I am not fragile. If I was, I wouldn’t be here. Would I? Let’s think about this.

It’s like I don’t know how to express myself or tell anyone that something’s wrong. I didn’t lose my speech. I didn’t lose function in my brain completely. Just treat me like there isn’t something wrong and when I tell you I can’t handle it, well, then you should back off or start over. Again, this injury recovery thing, does not work on everyone else’s time. It doesn’t even work on my time. So, back the fuck off. If I need to learn patience, in regard to the time line for recovery, everyone else needs to stop rushing me.

I will get better. I am getting better. It is going to take time. I have all the time in the world, now. I will drive again. I will work again. I am pushing myself. I do a lot more than anyone else would be doing. It’s everyone else that isn’t giving me the credit that I deserve. I am not pessimistic but if I was as negative as everyone says I am, do you think that I would have gotten out of the hospital when I did? Cause I am pretty damn sure, I am doing so much better than I could be doing.

I’ll tell you when I can’t handle something. Thanks but no thanks.

 

Feelings, The new me

Who is this person?

I have entered the life of someone else. I do not know this person anymore. I do not know how she’ll react to different scenarios. I do not know who this person is anymore. I know how she would have reacted before and what she would have done to deal with shit.

I am talking about myself in third person simply because I have to relearn myself. I have to relearn everything. I have to relearn who I am and what I am. The 24 years it took me to know what I am made of, well, I have to redo it in what? a few years. I may have written about this before but this is a big thing I have to over come. I have to relearn my mind and my body. It’s all up in the air.

I know what I was before but now? I don’t know if it still applies anymore. Sometimes old stuff applies but majority of the time, it doesn’t and because of that, I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I, especially, do not know how to deal with the new stuff that I am faced with. I am finding out new things about myself.

When I first got home from the hospital, my grandfather had tried giving me a ‘new birth date.’ He said that I was reborn that day. His intentions came from a good place. I got upset and told him that my birthday was February 15th. I demanded that nothing change and got really worked up about it. Well, I get why he said that. I am, also, realizing that he may have been onto something. I am someone else. I am, in essence, the same person but at the same time, I am different.

I can see what I was before the accident. I, literally, see all those memories as if it’s someone else’s. They are mine but at the same time, they’re not mine. That is what I was. That was someone else and this person? not the same. I don’t know who she is. I feel like I am ‘reborn. ‘That is silly to say that way but there is no other way to explain it properly. That person before the accident isn’t present anymore.

There are a lot of differences- I can’t explain it but there are. I can’t fight it. I need to except that it did happen.

No one is going to believe me because on the outside, there are no differences. I may find myself back where I was but right now, I know that changes have occurred. I guess the changes I’m talking about are in the details.

I feel like I’m rambling… -_- I dunno if any of this makes sense. Ah well. Nothing I can do about it besides let it happen. It is part of the healing process, I guess. I can’t speed up the process.

Update

What does a title have to be?… Got it… FAB!

I have been feeling like, in terms of recovery, I’m at a standstill… BUT I know this isn’t true. Everyone would beg to differ, especially my mother and sister. I dunno, maybe I feel this way because things aren’t progressing the way I would like. My standards for myself are higher. Why do I do that? I have no friggin clue…If you have an idea about it, let me know.

My sister, mother, and I are making our way to PA for a birthday party. It should be a good time. We haven’t gone to Maryann’s house since March. I think it was March… Her great grandson is turning one and his mom is throwing a red, white, and blue themed party. Nese and I made party favors for the party. I cannot wait for feedback on those. They are mason jar cups. They turned out pretty cute and I cannot wait for everyone’s reactions to them.

We, also, plan on seeing friends when we get there that we haven’t seen in a very long time.

I went to an ENT this week- It’s an ear, nose, and throat doctor that I saw. Back in May or whatever, I had gone to get an allergy test done. The doctor said that I did not have any allergies. That’s good news but it doesn’t explain why I feel awful when I’m not taking allergy medication. I get the symptoms that an allergy sufferer gets, so, to the ENT I go, to get my sinuses checked out. I had to get a CAT scan of my sinuses.

Hopefully, the doctors will be able to tell me what the hell is going on with my face 😀

Getting a CAT scan is easier than a MRI. It took barely 5 minutes. No music involved and you didn’t feel like you were being put into a coffin (-_-)

…I don’t like having anymore MRI’s or CAT scans though. I have had my share of scans. It’s making me uneasy having to go get one but there is no other way to get help and I have to go through with it. I’m gonna be radioactive soon. (thank you, Imagine Dragons)

Well, I hope you all have a good decent rest of the weekend! Be good, guys. have a nice day

 

 

clear the air, Update

Just to clarify…

Hello dear friends,

I just wanted to clear something up- I am not hard on myself.

I would like to let everyone know that I do not function with glitter and pretty things. As a girl, I do have my moments but not with this. I know what I am able to do and what I can’t. I know what will take time and what won’t. I know what I can handle and what I cannot.

I do not need everyone telling me what I should do now to get better, what I can handle, and how I should push my I am positive. I am more positive than you are about this. I know that one day this will be in the past and it’ll be like nothing happened to me but I cannot forget reality and what is going on. I am not always shitting on myself and making it seem like I can’t do something. You think I am but I am not. Oh! and there is no way anyone understands how to deal with a TBI and its effects- a doctor cannot give me straight answers… but you do? I know everyone cares, wants to help, and has good intentions but you’re not thinking about the whole picture. I think I can do more than I really can. My mother and sister are there to bring me down to real life and remind me that I may not be able to handle whatever it is I think I can do.

There has to come a day where I can make light of this awful event but at the same time, I do not remember a lot of the things that everyone else did and I should able to make fun of it. It happened. There is nothing more that can be done about it. So, please, don’t tell me I am not positive and looking on the bright side of things because it is you that isn’t looking on the bright side. I am more positive than you would ever know. Always remember this: if you see me out of bed, functioning, I am positive and looking on the bright side. Did you ever stop to ask how I am getting out of bed everyday and still functioning? I didn’t think so…

Happy Saturday! Remember: BE POSITIVE. (-_-)

Love, the one who still gets out of bed after all this shit has happened to her.

Untitled