Feelings, The new me, Update

I’ve been learning since, but it doesn’t mean I’ll float.

Some things are made a huge deal in my head and turn out to be the opposite. Which is great! But than again, was it worth making it a big deal? Is it better to be ready for the worst or is it better to be easy going about it? What’s going to cause me the least amount of stress?

I see it as I should be ready for the worst regardless of if it happens. Better safe than sorry, right? Why do I have to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster as if it is happening to me, at that moment? The act of preparing myself for the worst should decrease my anxiety, right? It doesn’t. I get worked up trying to make sure I have everything for later but I’m so worked up until whatever it is I’m waiting for, passes. I should be calm the whole time. I hate it.

This anxiety or whatever you want to call it, literally prevents me from sleeping and eating. You’re probably reading this and thinking I might be over exaggerating. This isn’t the case. I guess I could be but I don’t like sugar coating anything and I don’t just say something just because. This is what happens to me. I have always had thing anxiety, I believe. I knew how to cope with said anxiety. I knew how to respond to anyone that came around. I know how not to get too close to anyone. I knew better than to trust what was said. I knew what some meant because I know them. It’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating that I have fallen back to my middle school days. Moving to New York from Pennsylvania was tough. I left behind a school I was happy with and I had my best friends. I didn’t want to leave them. It was hard, to say the least. Anyway, I was stuck between the two states. I left behind friends that I tried to keep in touch with. I tried and they tried…it didn’t work out. I became a person that embraced the new friends and school but with hesitation. I made friends but it was just that. Friends at school. I made friends lol that happened 11th grade. I made friends I just didn’t get too emotionally involved. So if we grew apart, I didn’t get upset. It worked. What I’m getting at is I was learning how to keep the world at an arms length.

Now. lol I’m right back where I was in 2000. I have to relearn all that. It’s weird to relearn something you already know but it’s happening. My head and my heart is doing it all over again. I’m not ready for it all over again. I did better when I knew what I was putting myself through. I knew what to do with and where to put my anxiety. I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t know how to calm myself down or how not to get too close to people and things. I have no idea how to stress myself out less. Because of all this unpreparedness in my life I don’t want to leave the apartment. I’m not depressed…I don’t what you to think that I might be. No, not at all. I don’t know how to deal with the shit in my head and in situations that I’m no longer familiar with. I don’t know how to wing it. I can’t. I don’t like meeting new people because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want people I know either because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want to be in new places because I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m gonna feel.

All this uncertainty makes me want to do nothing.

I am, thought, pushing myself despite what I’m feeling. I know I’ll get through it. I won’t die. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t have everything. It’s alright if I don’t know someone. What people say, may just be words after all. I have to teach myself that I’ll be okay. I have to tell myself that it’ll be better than I thought.

Advertisements
clear the air, Today, Update

Question

I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready.