Feelings, Today, Update

So far so good

Update: My dad is doing really well with his physical therapy and occupational therapy. He’s gotten used to walking with his walker. He wants to get better quick. Lol he doesn’t like being stuck in one place for too long. He’s gonna get bored sitting at home with me. But I’ll have a friend during the day to enjoy coffee with. My grandmother, hopefully, is flying to America on Tuesday. If she stays with us during her stay, she’ll be hanging with us too. It’ll be good. 

All is well in my world. Since my dad’s ordeal, I haven’t been occupied with my own thoughts long enough. It’s not just my father, I guess, I’ve been preoccupied with getting our apartment together before grandma gets over, if she decides to. We want to be ready and be relaxed when we’re home. 

Let’s be real for a few. My best friend is moving to New Jersey; May 1st. I know, I know. It isn’t far. No, it isn’t. It’s different. He won’t be around and easily accessible anymore. When I miss him, I have to plan to see him. He’s gonna be making the drive a lot, it seems. We’ll see how it goes. 

I’ve been so confused about my life. I’ve written a post about what I want to do and what I expect. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do about it. I don’t know anything. I say I know one day and the next I think about it. I somehow decide that it doesn’t seem possible now and give up on that goal for next time; when I can do something about it. 

I was talking about art therapy last night because I was going through notes and books. I didn’t want to get rid of any of them but I couldn’t hold on to them especially if I wasn’t planning on doing anything in the near future with them. Then I started thinking about if I wait then everything I know will be updated in some way. I don’t have experience so if I look for a job later they won’t consider me because I haven’t got the hours in to be considered as an option. All these factors I have to think about. The pros and cons are weighed; what’s worth the time. Am I dedicated? Am I looking for ways out? Am I willing to push myself? Can I do a lot more than I believe or think? Is what I’m thinking a possibility? The real question for me is: can I actually make it through? Will I survive the hours of work? Will I over work myself? 

All those questions and more go through my head about everything. These are constant about anything and everything in my life. These are the type of things that keep me up at night. These questions are why I doubt myself. 

Thank you for listening. 

                 ‘You asked me for space’

The new me, Today, Update

New year, new beginnings

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New year’s Eve/day! Two weeks have gone by and a lot happened already. Holidays have passed and a new year has made its way into our lives. Of course, I also hope Hanukkah was even better than the year before! 

I love all my friends and family; past, present, and future. I cannot express how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if I was bad at keeping up with you. Every now and again you do cross my mind. I do wish we still talked and kept in touch. You are the part of the reason I am the person I am today and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I might be out spoken and straightforward. I may be over bearing at times. I at times seem impossible. I’m sorry. 

One of my goals for this new year is to not let my stubbornness get the best of me. I’m gonna try and be less petty. I never thought I was but I am. I will wait years to tell you what you did wrong to me in similar situations you have with someone else. Lol I’m so petty it’s unreal at times. Either way, I’m working on making this change. It’s definitely gonna be a slow change. It’s unrealistic to give myself only a year for this change but the first step is the hardest. So, here I go. 

Being stubborn is something that only affects me. That’s what I’ve been told many times. No one notices what I’m doing. No one cares that much lol. Being stubborn affects no one but me. This needs to go. Again, not gonna happen over night but I have to start somewhere…right?

New year’s resolutions won’t happen over night. People seem to have high expectations of themselves… I sure do. Start with small changes. You will have off days. Give yourself some leeway but that doesn’t mean you give up. No. That means you must had a bump in the road. That’s all. 

I try to have this mind set for myself. I’m not gonna lie… It’s very hard. Changes don’t happen because we don’t want to put in the work it requires. It does take work. Sometimes I get tired of all the forced changes I have to make. It’s very hard. I get tired. I want a few days of not thinking. I don’t want to ‘work’ all the time so I have a few days for myself of doing nothing. It helps. It makes it easier to pick up where you left off and keep going. This doesn’t mean that failure took place but rather a break. A small break from whatever it is you were trying to change or do. Maybe a break is what you needed. Nothing wrong with that. 

Change is hard. I was forced into change but it doesn’t make it any easier either. Where all on the same path but in different vehicles. I’m getting there differently than everyone else. The changes that were forced on me come with its own issues. All these changes I wasn’t nearly ready for. I have to learn how to cope with it all. I have to make adjustments accordingly. What I thought I knew; doesn’t apply anymore.

None of it is easy. I’m just taking a different car. A rusty one. One that needs to be fixed along the way. I’ll meet you at the end but a bit later than you. No big deal. I’m okay with it. I’ll be okay if no one is there either. Life moves forward with or without you. Whether you like it or not. 

Your resolution may be to loose weight but don’t hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Losing weight takes a good year. It’s a slow process but it will show itself. Give it time. This seems to be a common resolution that’s why I used it but it applies for any resolution you may have. I have faith in you. I know you can do it. It’s not only about resolutions either. It’s any promise you make yourself throughout the year. 

Remember: Change is difficult for EVERYONE. Start small and work your way up. It will happen. It’ll be slow and that’s okay. No one notices the mess ups as much as you do. Don’t hold yourself up to unrealistic expectations. Be good to yourself. 💕