Feelings

It’s late

1:45 am to be exact. I’m going to die not because of a car but from the stress people cause me.

When am I gonna be the person I was before? The person that didn’t get close to anyone and wasn’t friends or try to be friends with people? It’s the ones that I trust in what they’re saying and give them more of my time that turn out to be someone I gave my friendship to them too soon or too much.

It sounds like I’m dating them. That’s what it feels like.

I have been frustrated trying to gain the friendship of another that doesn’t want to be friends with me. I don’t think I’m a bad friend. If I were, I wouldn’t have had as many friends as I did at my hospital visit. That just wouldn’t have happen.

Anyway, it’s hard being ‘friends’ with someone that doesn’t value it or consider you as one. That feeling sucks. Friendships and romantic relationships are not too different. Minus the ‘love’ grossness. It’s a different ‘love’ but ‘love’ none the less.

I can confidently say that I’m direct. No matter what it is, I can say it. If I’m telling someone else something, well, I have no problem telling you. With that, I expect you to do the same. One cannot learn from their mistakes if you avoid telling them. How is another supposed to know what they did wrong? How can someone be self aware if they don’t know what they did wrong to begin with? No one in perfect. Avoiding conflict benefits no one except you. It doesn’t ‘damage’ your Ego. If you were wrong, it does but if you were right, then the opposite happens. Self fulfilling prophecy has made you confident that you, in fact, know this person. But when you assume that you know people and you respond to the next person the same way, then you feel defeated. This causes one to retreat and prevents them from confronting again.

I don’t like doing that and don’t like it when it’s done to me. I have never had a reason to get mad about it. Nothing to get mad at someone for it. I will, however, get mad that you bring it up months or years from now and expect me to do something about it. Or use it during a fight that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. That shit is annoying. If you waited that long to say anything about it, it wasn’t a big deal then. I’ll be mad that it took so long for it to come out.

Especially nowadays, I genuinely wanna know if I do or say something wrong to someone. I want to know because I’m still learning myself and others. It only helps me. I can change the way I respond or act. I can not do it again. It teaches me what to be conscious about. It’s beneficial to me. It is. Now, if you start fighting with me without telling me, all hell will break loose.

I know how to say sorry and mean it.I make mistakes. Oh and I know how to forgive if you know how to apologize.

Moral of the story: I’ll tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings/upset me. Without a problem. Please, do me a favor: Tell me when I do something wrong. It won’t hurt my feelings.

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Feelings, The new me, Update

I’ve been learning since, but it doesn’t mean I’ll float.

Some things are made a huge deal in my head and turn out to be the opposite. Which is great! But than again, was it worth making it a big deal? Is it better to be ready for the worst or is it better to be easy going about it? What’s going to cause me the least amount of stress?

I see it as I should be ready for the worst regardless of if it happens. Better safe than sorry, right? Why do I have to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster as if it is happening to me, at that moment? The act of preparing myself for the worst should decrease my anxiety, right? It doesn’t. I get worked up trying to make sure I have everything for later but I’m so worked up until whatever it is I’m waiting for, passes. I should be calm the whole time. I hate it.

This anxiety or whatever you want to call it, literally prevents me from sleeping and eating. You’re probably reading this and thinking I might be over exaggerating. This isn’t the case. I guess I could be but I don’t like sugar coating anything and I don’t just say something just because. This is what happens to me. I have always had thing anxiety, I believe. I knew how to cope with said anxiety. I knew how to respond to anyone that came around. I know how not to get too close to anyone. I knew better than to trust what was said. I knew what some meant because I know them. It’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating that I have fallen back to my middle school days. Moving to New York from Pennsylvania was tough. I left behind a school I was happy with and I had my best friends. I didn’t want to leave them. It was hard, to say the least. Anyway, I was stuck between the two states. I left behind friends that I tried to keep in touch with. I tried and they tried…it didn’t work out. I became a person that embraced the new friends and school but with hesitation. I made friends but it was just that. Friends at school. I made friends lol that happened 11th grade. I made friends I just didn’t get too emotionally involved. So if we grew apart, I didn’t get upset. It worked. What I’m getting at is I was learning how to keep the world at an arms length.

Now. lol I’m right back where I was in 2000. I have to relearn all that. It’s weird to relearn something you already know but it’s happening. My head and my heart is doing it all over again. I’m not ready for it all over again. I did better when I knew what I was putting myself through. I knew what to do with and where to put my anxiety. I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t know how to calm myself down or how not to get too close to people and things. I have no idea how to stress myself out less. Because of all this unpreparedness in my life I don’t want to leave the apartment. I’m not depressed…I don’t what you to think that I might be. No, not at all. I don’t know how to deal with the shit in my head and in situations that I’m no longer familiar with. I don’t know how to wing it. I can’t. I don’t like meeting new people because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want people I know either because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want to be in new places because I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m gonna feel.

All this uncertainty makes me want to do nothing.

I am, thought, pushing myself despite what I’m feeling. I know I’ll get through it. I won’t die. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t have everything. It’s alright if I don’t know someone. What people say, may just be words after all. I have to teach myself that I’ll be okay. I have to tell myself that it’ll be better than I thought.

clear the air, The new me, Update

Entitled

‘From their review of over 170 studies, the researchers found that entitlement creates a vicious circle:

1 Entitlement creates feelings of disappointment.

2 Disappointment leads to anger and other strong negative emotions.

3 The negative emotions require the person to reassure themselves they are special.’

The article I’m quoting is by PsyBlog. It’s a short piece. Before continuing this, give it a read. It might have you thinking about yourself…being honest with yourself and trying to be a better person isn’t a bad thing. Give it a try 🙃

I don’t feel entitled. I don’t believe I am either. I’d guess that others wouldn’t say that about me but close family members might say ‘yeah. She might be.’ If you ask me that’s how I would respond with. Consciously, I’m not. Unconsciously, I might be. The things I say and do may not cry ‘entitled’ but underneath it all, that might be exactly what’s going on.

To respond to the three statements above:

  1. I do carry feelings of disappointment especially towards others around me.
  2. As a result, I do become angry towards said person. Strong negative emotions to the core.
  3. I always reassure myself that I am right and I am different therefore their reactions need to fit those differences.

So the question is: Do I think I’m entitled to certain things because of my accident?

Usually, when someone says on is ‘entitled’ they’re talking about material things that involve money. ‘I worked hard so I deserve…’ When you look at that, no I’m not entitled. What the article is talking about is more than that and I believe that’s what I’ve got going on with me lately.

‘I was in this accident; my world was turned upside down and everything is so different. I have to make all these changes without a choice.’ That’s the mindset I have going. If you’re a family member, it’s ‘if I have to change you have to’ and that usually follows with some statement about all this happening to me, I’m different. I deserve certain reactions and emotions from you. I can’t have you respond like a normal human being.

When I don’t get that, I get angry. I get angry because that’s not the reaction I deserve because of what happened to me. I believe this is a bit of a entitlement problem. It may not be clear or black and white but it’s there. Oh! At the end of these disagreements, I always start telling myself that I’m right and don’t deserve such reactions. The blame is shifted onto the other person without a thought. I can never be wrong because I was in an accident.

The hardest thing part of all this is admitting it to others or ‘out loud’ because admitting to yourself silently doesn’t mean change will happen. You then live in a state of denial and it’s easy to pretend you don’t do it. I’m writing about it. You’re reading this. I will put my tail between my legs and work on this. I will be kinder to others. I will remember that close friends and family are doing all they can. I’m not entitled to anything because of this. Everyone has gone above and beyond for me. I need to show more appreciation overall. I am humble but I’m humble to strangers and to those that aren’t around as often. I’m not humble when it comes to family. I have to work on this a bit harder because this doesn’t just involve me anymore; it involves everyone.

Oh and you’re not entitled to special treatment either. Is your name Mother Teresa? I didn’t think so. You know who else feels entitled? President Trump. But that’s for another time…

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday!

Public Service Announcement:

Don’t you dare look at the eclipse without proper glasses! I don’t need you to ruin your eye sight! Even for a second, don’t do it!

A Bahar explanation is this: the sky goes dark. Your retinas (the black part of your eye) gets big to see in the dark (that’s why owls have big eyes) and when the sun comes out within seconds, your eyes don’t have enough time to adjust. Your eyes in the back, that do all the work, burn. That’s why when the doctor puts those drops in your eyes to take a photo. Your internal structure of your eyes are out in the open and that’s also why you’re given some type of sun protection or asked to have someone else to drive you home.

Don’t be dumb. Don’t look at the sun. Just don’t. Sunglasses won’t work either.

Today, Update

In this moment

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating today! Bayraminiz mubarek olsun!! 😘😁Have a splendid day!  

Here we go talking about driving, feelings, and driving…again. It bothers me from time to time. I have my highs and lows regarding driving and other people. 

I miss driving. I have many moments where I wish so badly to have my car. I miss the freedom that comes with driving. I miss driving with the windows down. I miss the music blasting. I miss being alone and just driving for no reason. I miss calling Hazar and Onur to go where ever when no one else was available. I miss being the cool cousin. I miss not having to rely on others to get me places. I miss having people hang out with me because they want to; not making me feel like a burden. I miss planning things. I miss going wherever I wanted when I wanted. 

Knowing you can do whatever you want when you want it, allows you not to feel that you’ve missed something or have to do said thing. 

Everyone has choices. Everyone can do whatever they want, as well as I…but I have to wait for others. I long for the car rides I used to go on. 

It isn’t about physically going out, driving or going out to eat all the time; it’s about knowing you can, when you want. I guess you can say I miss having that option. 

Friends and family don’t understand why I jump to whatever it is they suggest without thinking twice. I look for those moments because I don’t get them often. I don’t get moments where you want to do something. 

I wish I could drive again and let me stop you. I don’t want to hear for the 737283 time that I can. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling me I can do something that I truest can’t. 

I can’t drive myself alone or with others in the car. Do you trust me to drive you around? Will you give me your car to practice in? I look like I can right? There is nothing more irritating…well, actually not being able to do it may be worse. Lol

Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready. 

Funsies

Driving

I do want to drive. I sure do. I don’t want to rely on everyone else. I wanna go somewhere when I want to. Not when someone else can…

How does anyone know how I will be? Who is gonna volunteer to sit in a car with me when I re-learn? Who’s going to trust me with their lives while I learn again?

My case isn’t like a teen learning how to drive. I know how to drive. I am like your 90 year old grandmother that still drives. No one will want me on the road. I’m too much of a liability.

I know how to start a car. I know where the gas and break pedals are. I know how to use everything. I do. Just because I can see myself doing it doesn’t mean I should…

I don’t know if I wrote another post about be doing a cart wheel in the middle of the living room when I was home alone one day. Well, if you had asked me if I could at that point, I would have told you I can. As far as I knew, I could do a cart wheel. I can see myself do it and I know where to put my hands and feet.

Yeah. About that. I could not. I rolled around on the floor. I did it a few times because I didn’t understand. Driving is the same. I see myself doing it all. I know it but can I?

I prolly shouldn’t attempt it. Not yet. I still stub my toe on edges of walls or couches, whatever. It isn’t the same as way as it happens to you. This is a regular occurrence. I hit the wall or door when I turn corners and my toes hurt all the time.
Can you imagine me driving? The thought of what could happen scares me. I don’t know how close or far I am to an object. With that, two things can happen:

  1. There will be so much space between me and the car in front of me that another car could probably fit in between.
  2. I’m riding in another car’s backseat.

There is no in between and even if there was, I can’t test it out. Driving is not a game and as we all found out, an accident can rock someone’s world upside down. I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s trauma.

Feelings

Understand me

I have people in my life telling me that I’m the same person I was before the accident. My best friend told me that I am different but I am the same too.

I appreciated that response. It was honest and it wasn’t a response that was trying to make me feel better. It was a response that confirmed what I already knew about myself. It’s nice when that happens.

Confirmation isn’t a bad thing. I don’t feel worse about myself. I don’t want to commit suicide because you told me the truth of how I am now and how it used to be. It isn’t a bad thing. If I am different there is nothing wrong with that. Things in my life have changed. That is reality. I want to be told what I know is true or if it isn’t, old or new. Sometimes, I get confused and need help getting it all straightened out in my head.

I do, however, want to be acknowledged. I want my feelings and thoughts to be acknowledged. I want to be given the chance to have the emotion or whatever it is to myself. I want the person in front of me to give me the right away to have those emotions. I don’t want to be told I’m wrong. That is what I want in an acknowledgement. I’m having the reaction because of something you said. Let me have it and go from there.

I want to be heard. I want every emotion and thought to be mine. I don’t want to be told it’s wrong. I want those to be respected. I think majority of the time, I want confirmation when I’m unsure of myself. When I question the past with the present. I get like that. Not often but it happens on occasion.

Most arguments happen because one person is telling the other they’re wrong. Their feelings aren’t wrong. They just misunderstood you. Either way, no one is wrong when it comes to their feelings. That isn’t fair. Understand first, then explain yourself better but don’t tell them they’re wrong. They have those emotions for a reason.

I really don’t appreciate when I am told my feelings are wrong for being what they are. Acknowledge my emotions/feelings/reactions. Tell me you’re sorry and then explain what you tried to say… we’ll go from there.

Oh! and don’t apologize and follow it with “but.” Say you’re sorry for doing “blah, blah” and follow it with what you tried to explain. No “but.” That doesn’t mean you’re sorry.

I really hope you guys do get what my rambles are saying. I do try to make sense. It works in my head, dunno if it works typed out or written out.

Feelings, Update

Rise & fall with every breath

As I write this, I am listening to music and I am enjoying it. I am having a good/relaxed day. I haven’t felt like this for a couple of weeks. The weather is awesome which is making things even better 🙂

I didn’t write an entry this Sunday. I wasn’t in the mood…I was just whatever. I dunno how many people read this, but I am sorry if you were, by any chance, looking forward to this.

I’m trying to become alright with change. Since the accident, it forced change on me without notice. I’m not okay when things have changed without me ready for it. This is life. Things change, people come and go. Change happens, good or bad.

Logically, I know this is how the way of the world works. Life moves forward. It doesn’t stay in its place. I can’t ask people to be ready for me to be ready. I can’t do that. It isn’t fair to them. This is something I have to work on.

I have to be okay with life moving forward but I’m not and I don’t know how to undo that. I am stuck where I was before the accident. I know everyone is going to say all the nice stuff about how I have been making progress and whatever. I know. But reality is, I am not okay. I am stuck. I don’t understand why everything has changed when I haven’t. Why has everything changed when I’m not ready? This is weird to explain…It’s an odd situation. I know everyone is where they’re supposed to be as well as I.

Time stood still. You can find me where you left me at the accident. I’ll catch up at some point in my life but for now, I have to keep reminding myself that this is how it’s supposed to be regardless of how I feel.

 

Today, Update

Learning

I don’t know who I am anymore. It is frustrating that when I think I know, I don’t. It is beyond frustrating. I am learning who I am once again.

I didn’t know this would be so hard. Especially, when you’re trying to cram in 25 years of work in like 5. It isn’t possible. We live in a world where we want everything to happen…now. Not 5 years from now. I’m kidding myself. 5 years is nothing. It comes and goes.

I feel like I need another 25 years to get to where I was. Maybe not 25 years, I got like 15 years functioning, can’t forget that. After all, I am not completely starting over.

I don’t have one area that I have to work on. No. It’s more a little bit of everything. It’s weird. Nothing that anyone notices. It’s only something I notice. I am at a point in my recovery that it’s the little things that I have to work on now.

Yes, I still have to work on my walking. But it’s more balance oriented. It involves coordination. It involves taking the steps I need with more control. Nothing that you pay attention to. I never did until this situation that I am in.

It’s weird. The next time you are walking down a set of stairs. Pay attention to where you put your hands and how you make the steps. That’s all. Just pay attention to the movements you are making and your ankles. These are little things you never thought about and is weird. Just actively taking note of it is tiring. You’ll notice all that is going on.

I have to think about all that plus more. I have to think about taking my next step, where my hands are going to be, I have to consciously slow myself down, I have to look ahead and see whether or not I can do whatever that is coming up next…There are so many processes going on in 1 minute. Nothing that you are actively thinking about, you just do.

People around me will notice that I don’t talk much when were walking around. I have been trying to more and more lately. I am trying to get used to multitasking. I tend to be behind of the group. Most of it is because I can’t walk and talk at the same time, all because I have other things that I am thinking about. My brain is already busy. Sorry.

I am learning to do these things. Learning is the biggest part of this whole process. I have to learn who I am and what I am capable of. What I thought I was, I may not be anymore. That’s what is frustrating, most of all.

Funsies, Update

Friends…

Jenn,

Happy Birthday! Love you and I hope you had a wonderful day! See you soon…

Love, Bahar

I have come to the realization that I am not good at choosing friends. Even you Jenn, I didn’t choose. You were brought to me. Thank you, James Wilson Young.

I think that my downfall is that I overlook what everyone else doesn’t. I give individuals the benefit of the doubt. I do this way too much that I get screwed over in the end. I put too much effort in the friendship or family member that I don’t get the same in return. I don’t ask for too much. I don’t believe I do.

I am the one that is able to apologize when I did something to offend or cross the line. I am able to see what I am doing and how it’s affecting the person in front of me. I don’t always think I’m right (despite what others think).

What I think and know, for me, is right but I will listen to you if you listen to me, as I know I can be wrong. So, prove me wrong. Don’t yell at me and be mean. Explain it to me like the adult you are. I will listen as long as you keep your cool. Don’t put it on me when you messed up. I am an understanding person, so much so that I get screwed in the end.

This may be the reason why I didn’t open up to people. Maybe this is why I don’t become ‘friends.’ Because why bother? That’s what I would do before the accident. That’s what I was. Someone who doesn’t have all these people around her. She gets too close too fast.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. I do it way too much. I don’t regret it when it happens because I learned and won’t do it again.