Today, Update

In this moment

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating today! Bayraminiz mubarek olsun!! 😘😁Have a splendid day!  

Here we go talking about driving, feelings, and driving…again. It bothers me from time to time. I have my highs and lows regarding driving and other people. 

I miss driving. I have many moments where I wish so badly to have my car. I miss the freedom that comes with driving. I miss driving with the windows down. I miss the music blasting. I miss being alone and just driving for no reason. I miss calling Hazar and Onur to go where ever when no one else was available. I miss being the cool cousin. I miss not having to rely on others to get me places. I miss having people hang out with me because they want to; not making me feel like a burden. I miss planning things. I miss going wherever I wanted when I wanted. 

Knowing you can do whatever you want when you want it, allows you not to feel that you’ve missed something or have to do said thing. 

Everyone has choices. Everyone can do whatever they want, as well as I…but I have to wait for others. I long for the car rides I used to go on. 

It isn’t about physically going out, driving or going out to eat all the time; it’s about knowing you can, when you want. I guess you can say I miss having that option. 

Friends and family don’t understand why I jump to whatever it is they suggest without thinking twice. I look for those moments because I don’t get them often. I don’t get moments where you want to do something. 

I wish I could drive again and let me stop you. I don’t want to hear for the 737283 time that I can. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling me I can do something that I truest can’t. 

I can’t drive myself alone or with others in the car. Do you trust me to drive you around? Will you give me your car to practice in? I look like I can right? There is nothing more irritating…well, actually not being able to do it may be worse. Lol

Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready. 

Funsies

Driving

I do want to drive. I sure do. I don’t want to rely on everyone else. I wanna go somewhere when I want to. Not when someone else can…

How does anyone know how I will be? Who is gonna volunteer to sit in a car with me when I re-learn? Who’s going to trust me with their lives while I learn again?

My case isn’t like a teen learning how to drive. I know how to drive. I am like your 90 year old grandmother that still drives. No one will want me on the road. I’m too much of a liability.

I know how to start a car. I know where the gas and break pedals are. I know how to use everything. I do. Just because I can see myself doing it doesn’t mean I should…

I don’t know if I wrote another post about be doing a cart wheel in the middle of the living room when I was home alone one day. Well, if you had asked me if I could at that point, I would have told you I can. As far as I knew, I could do a cart wheel. I can see myself do it and I know where to put my hands and feet.

Yeah. About that. I could not. I rolled around on the floor. I did it a few times because I didn’t understand. Driving is the same. I see myself doing it all. I know it but can I?

I prolly shouldn’t attempt it. Not yet. I still stub my toe on edges of walls or couches, whatever. It isn’t the same as way as it happens to you. This is a regular occurrence. I hit the wall or door when I turn corners and my toes hurt all the time.
Can you imagine me driving? The thought of what could happen scares me. I don’t know how close or far I am to an object. With that, two things can happen:

  1. There will be so much space between me and the car in front of me that another car could probably fit in between.
  2. I’m riding in another car’s backseat.

There is no in between and even if there was, I can’t test it out. Driving is not a game and as we all found out, an accident can rock someone’s world upside down. I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s trauma.

Feelings

Understand me

I have people in my life telling me that I’m the same person I was before the accident. My best friend told me that I am different but I am the same too.

I appreciated that response. It was honest and it wasn’t a response that was trying to make me feel better. It was a response that confirmed what I already knew about myself. It’s nice when that happens.

Confirmation isn’t a bad thing. I don’t feel worse about myself. I don’t want to commit suicide because you told me the truth of how I am now and how it used to be. It isn’t a bad thing. If I am different there is nothing wrong with that. Things in my life have changed. That is reality. I want to be told what I know is true or if it isn’t, old or new. Sometimes, I get confused and need help getting it all straightened out in my head.

I do, however, want to be acknowledged. I want my feelings and thoughts to be acknowledged. I want to be given the chance to have the emotion or whatever it is to myself. I want the person in front of me to give me the right away to have those emotions. I don’t want to be told I’m wrong. That is what I want in an acknowledgement. I’m having the reaction because of something you said. Let me have it and go from there.

I want to be heard. I want every emotion and thought to be mine. I don’t want to be told it’s wrong. I want those to be respected. I think majority of the time, I want confirmation when I’m unsure of myself. When I question the past with the present. I get like that. Not often but it happens on occasion.

Most arguments happen because one person is telling the other they’re wrong. Their feelings aren’t wrong. They just misunderstood you. Either way, no one is wrong when it comes to their feelings. That isn’t fair. Understand first, then explain yourself better but don’t tell them they’re wrong. They have those emotions for a reason.

I really don’t appreciate when I am told my feelings are wrong for being what they are. Acknowledge my emotions/feelings/reactions. Tell me you’re sorry and then explain what you tried to say… we’ll go from there.

Oh! and don’t apologize and follow it with “but.” Say you’re sorry for doing “blah, blah” and follow it with what you tried to explain. No “but.” That doesn’t mean you’re sorry.

I really hope you guys do get what my rambles are saying. I do try to make sense. It works in my head, dunno if it works typed out or written out.

Feelings, Update

Rise & fall with every breath

As I write this, I am listening to music and I am enjoying it. I am having a good/relaxed day. I haven’t felt like this for a couple of weeks. The weather is awesome which is making things even better 🙂

I didn’t write an entry this Sunday. I wasn’t in the mood…I was just whatever. I dunno how many people read this, but I am sorry if you were, by any chance, looking forward to this.

I’m trying to become alright with change. Since the accident, it forced change on me without notice. I’m not okay when things have changed without me ready for it. This is life. Things change, people come and go. Change happens, good or bad.

Logically, I know this is how the way of the world works. Life moves forward. It doesn’t stay in its place. I can’t ask people to be ready for me to be ready. I can’t do that. It isn’t fair to them. This is something I have to work on.

I have to be okay with life moving forward but I’m not and I don’t know how to undo that. I am stuck where I was before the accident. I know everyone is going to say all the nice stuff about how I have been making progress and whatever. I know. But reality is, I am not okay. I am stuck. I don’t understand why everything has changed when I haven’t. Why has everything changed when I’m not ready? This is weird to explain…It’s an odd situation. I know everyone is where they’re supposed to be as well as I.

Time stood still. You can find me where you left me at the accident. I’ll catch up at some point in my life but for now, I have to keep reminding myself that this is how it’s supposed to be regardless of how I feel.

 

Today, Update

Learning

I don’t know who I am anymore. It is frustrating that when I think I know, I don’t. It is beyond frustrating. I am learning who I am once again.

I didn’t know this would be so hard. Especially, when you’re trying to cram in 25 years of work in like 5. It isn’t possible. We live in a world where we want everything to happen…now. Not 5 years from now. I’m kidding myself. 5 years is nothing. It comes and goes.

I feel like I need another 25 years to get to where I was. Maybe not 25 years, I got like 15 years functioning, can’t forget that. After all, I am not completely starting over.

I don’t have one area that I have to work on. No. It’s more a little bit of everything. It’s weird. Nothing that anyone notices. It’s only something I notice. I am at a point in my recovery that it’s the little things that I have to work on now.

Yes, I still have to work on my walking. But it’s more balance oriented. It involves coordination. It involves taking the steps I need with more control. Nothing that you pay attention to. I never did until this situation that I am in.

It’s weird. The next time you are walking down a set of stairs. Pay attention to where you put your hands and how you make the steps. That’s all. Just pay attention to the movements you are making and your ankles. These are little things you never thought about and is weird. Just actively taking note of it is tiring. You’ll notice all that is going on.

I have to think about all that plus more. I have to think about taking my next step, where my hands are going to be, I have to consciously slow myself down, I have to look ahead and see whether or not I can do whatever that is coming up next…There are so many processes going on in 1 minute. Nothing that you are actively thinking about, you just do.

People around me will notice that I don’t talk much when were walking around. I have been trying to more and more lately. I am trying to get used to multitasking. I tend to be behind of the group. Most of it is because I can’t walk and talk at the same time, all because I have other things that I am thinking about. My brain is already busy. Sorry.

I am learning to do these things. Learning is the biggest part of this whole process. I have to learn who I am and what I am capable of. What I thought I was, I may not be anymore. That’s what is frustrating, most of all.

Funsies, Update

Friends…

Jenn,

Happy Birthday! Love you and I hope you had a wonderful day! See you soon…

Love, Bahar

I have come to the realization that I am not good at choosing friends. Even you Jenn, I didn’t choose. You were brought to me. Thank you, James Wilson Young.

I think that my downfall is that I overlook what everyone else doesn’t. I give individuals the benefit of the doubt. I do this way too much that I get screwed over in the end. I put too much effort in the friendship or family member that I don’t get the same in return. I don’t ask for too much. I don’t believe I do.

I am the one that is able to apologize when I did something to offend or cross the line. I am able to see what I am doing and how it’s affecting the person in front of me. I don’t always think I’m right (despite what others think).

What I think and know, for me, is right but I will listen to you if you listen to me, as I know I can be wrong. So, prove me wrong. Don’t yell at me and be mean. Explain it to me like the adult you are. I will listen as long as you keep your cool. Don’t put it on me when you messed up. I am an understanding person, so much so that I get screwed in the end.

This may be the reason why I didn’t open up to people. Maybe this is why I don’t become ‘friends.’ Because why bother? That’s what I would do before the accident. That’s what I was. Someone who doesn’t have all these people around her. She gets too close too fast.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. I do it way too much. I don’t regret it when it happens because I learned and won’t do it again.

 

 

Today

Halloween of 2015

Halloween wasn’t bad this year. I had friends over and we had a nice time.

These nights aren’t like the nights when I was a kid or when I was in HS and college.

This is the world of being an adult. I like this and I don’t at the same time. The definition of ‘Fun’ has changed and I’m not quite sure I’m ready for that change.

I want to get drunk and stay up ’till early morning. Then talk about it with everyone about how awesome it was.

…but I can’t. I can’t in terms my injuries. Without my injuries, I believe I’d be the same.

Life is speeding up just as it’s slowing down. It’s an odd feeling. Still haven’t embraced it.

Update

Good afternoon.

My memory has been better 🙂 I still need some help but not as much or often. If I try hard enough sometimes, I’ll figure it out on my own. And of course having things written down help too. I have become self-reliant (some what) and using the things I have around me. I bring around a planner and a little notebook with me and I have my phone with me at all times. I have things around me at my disposal because I know I need it and why not? It helps me so I will bring it around even if it is a lot to lug around. My bag has to be big enough for these things but they do help so let a big bag be my problem.

I am remembering conversations I’ve had with people, which is so awesome. I don’t know if I can express how exciting this is. It is weird but awesome at the same time.

Oh, so, I am getting ‘hungry’ a lot more often now. Before I would eat because I would look at the time and say, ‘oh hey, I should eat.’ I still have to do that but every once in a while I feel straight up hungry. I do feel like I can eat everything but that isn’t the point. I feel hungry sometimes. That is awesome too. I don’t feel that often. SO that is a plus and I’ll take it.

IMG_6295It has been a while since I made this one. It is pretty to look at. Enjoy it with me. Please and thank you.

kbye.

Today

I have some things in common with a child…

I went to a friend’s wedding last night. It was a very pretty reception. I didn’t go to the ceremony because it was far and I didn’t have a ride that early in the day.

There was a little girl dancing. She had to be about 1. She was trying to move without falling and I was able to relate. I did attempt dancing last night and I found that it is easier to move and not move your feet (that is how this little girl was dancing). The movements are limited. Just bouncing up and down or moving side to side all without moving your feet. It is the easier option when it comes to dancing.

This action is super adorable when a child does it. I do not see this being a cute situation for a 27 year old…

A child has about, well say 18, 18 years until he/she is considered an adult. This child has 18 years to learn how to walk properly, how to walk with his/her adjustments, to be able to walk and talk at the same time, among other things that you don’t think about. That is 18 years to have complete control of all these things. Well say, 25 years to perfect.

I have to relearn all of that 25 years worth of stuff in a handful of years. Well, time is given. Maybe I’m trying to speed up the process but let’s say I didn’t. It took me 25 years to learn all that I did when it comes to walking or thinking. Anything really.

Will it take another 25 years to relearn it all? Or because I was older than a child, it’ll take another 25 years on top of that? That is a long time and it sucks getting old. You don’t recover as fast as a child. Everything takes even longer when you are older.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I will not get better or I haven’t come a long way. I have. I have come a very long way and I will continue to get better. It is only up from here.

How long is all this going to take though? I am never going to be back to where I was. I will be close but by the time I get to 100% full functioning Bahar, I’ll be dead.

That is how those things work when you get older. Recovery takes longer.