clear the air, Today, Update

Question

I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready. 

Funsies, Today, Update

Now what

What do I do? I don’t know what to do with my day sometimes. I feel like I should be doing something worth it in my day. 
Something worth it or productive could be anything, you say. Yes. It can be anything that is deemed ‘worth it’ by me. That can be anything from taking a shower or drawing to making dinner for the family with the slow cooker. These aren’t nothing, I know but it’s not fulfilling. 

Why does everything have to have a meaningful purpose? Why am I trying to put anymore worth in what I do? I am very aware that what I am doing is more than anyone expected and that I am doing so well…I want to do something that has more of a meaning. 

I want to help people. I want to change someone’s life for the better. That’s what I want. I have this longing to do more but nothing I’ve done has made me feel complete thus far. 
I keep looking for it and I’m falling short. I don’t know how to find it. Maybe volunteering is where it’s at. Maybe I need to finally do it. I need to stop being lazy and look stuff up. 

Ugh. On to another topic…Bates Motel. There are five more episodes till the series end. My sister and I caught up this passed week. Despite my frustrations and yelling at the TV, I enjoyed the show. Any show in which I hate several characters; I keep watching it regardless. Norman Bates is straight up out of his mind. Norma is just as crazy. It’s leading us to the Norman Bates we all know from Psycho. Which I like. I’ve never seen Psycho because obviously,  I’m scared lol. I will now.  I want to see what happens after the show is done. I’ll let you know how it goes with that movie. I feel like the scary scene is the shower scene in the beginning of the movie. I know it’s coming and it won’t be for long. ::Spolier alert:: We all know Norman is Norma and she is in the house. 

What a mess that guy is. Lol

Feelings, Update

Let’s go back

I’ve been trying to figure out what day works for me to post an entry. 

Friday was the day I started with and I made my way to Sunday. The thought was the weekend is at its end. I should be able to post an entry. 

Nope. I got that all wrong. 

I think I’m gonna go back to Friday’s. I have a weekend nowadays so Sunday’s don’t work for me like it could have before. 

Anyways, I was in the Florida last week. Visiting my best friend and her man. I wish I stayed longer. I miss hanging out and it’s a change from home. I like that from time to time. Wish they lived closer…

Otherwise, not much has been going on. I spent a week in Florida. Or 10 days to be exact. I have to find my motivation. I need to get things going for myself. 

I feel like I’ve lost my drive to do things. I know I can do it. But I don’t want to. I dunno what it is. I liked how things were last summer. Someone who got things done and wanted to do more. I’m at a point where I have to push myself to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do or said I’d do. 

It’s a struggle guys. I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what’s going on. 

Feelings, Today

… :/

Maybe everyone is right. Maybe I am being to hard on myself. Maybe I need to ease up. Maybe I have to give myself more credit than I do. Maybe I’m not seeing what I have accomplished.

I do have pride in seeing things objectively. I am an emotional person. A lot more than I need to be. So when I am objective… No one can tell me otherwise.

Guys. I am incredibly stubborn. Even more so after the accident. It gets the better of me. I do have the ability to say I am being stubborn. Even if it is a year later. Better late than never, right?

:/ I can probably do way more than I think I can. The other week I wrote about driving and how I probably can’t do what I see in my head. 

I’m being hard on myself. That cartwheel situation was a one time thing. It doesn’t always translate to not being able to do other things. Yes. I should be careful about whatever I wanna do. A reminder to proceed with caution. 

I may be able to drive just not the same way I did before. It may be different. No. It will be different.

Things are different. Everything will be different. But it doesn’t mean I can’t. It’ll just happen differently. 

Am I ready for different? 

Feelings

Understand me

I have people in my life telling me that I’m the same person I was before the accident. My best friend told me that I am different but I am the same too.

I appreciated that response. It was honest and it wasn’t a response that was trying to make me feel better. It was a response that confirmed what I already knew about myself. It’s nice when that happens.

Confirmation isn’t a bad thing. I don’t feel worse about myself. I don’t want to commit suicide because you told me the truth of how I am now and how it used to be. It isn’t a bad thing. If I am different there is nothing wrong with that. Things in my life have changed. That is reality. I want to be told what I know is true or if it isn’t, old or new. Sometimes, I get confused and need help getting it all straightened out in my head.

I do, however, want to be acknowledged. I want my feelings and thoughts to be acknowledged. I want to be given the chance to have the emotion or whatever it is to myself. I want the person in front of me to give me the right away to have those emotions. I don’t want to be told I’m wrong. That is what I want in an acknowledgement. I’m having the reaction because of something you said. Let me have it and go from there.

I want to be heard. I want every emotion and thought to be mine. I don’t want to be told it’s wrong. I want those to be respected. I think majority of the time, I want confirmation when I’m unsure of myself. When I question the past with the present. I get like that. Not often but it happens on occasion.

Most arguments happen because one person is telling the other they’re wrong. Their feelings aren’t wrong. They just misunderstood you. Either way, no one is wrong when it comes to their feelings. That isn’t fair. Understand first, then explain yourself better but don’t tell them they’re wrong. They have those emotions for a reason.

I really don’t appreciate when I am told my feelings are wrong for being what they are. Acknowledge my emotions/feelings/reactions. Tell me you’re sorry and then explain what you tried to say… we’ll go from there.

Oh! and don’t apologize and follow it with “but.” Say you’re sorry for doing “blah, blah” and follow it with what you tried to explain. No “but.” That doesn’t mean you’re sorry.

I really hope you guys do get what my rambles are saying. I do try to make sense. It works in my head, dunno if it works typed out or written out.

Feelings, Update

Rise & fall with every breath

As I write this, I am listening to music and I am enjoying it. I am having a good/relaxed day. I haven’t felt like this for a couple of weeks. The weather is awesome which is making things even better 🙂

I didn’t write an entry this Sunday. I wasn’t in the mood…I was just whatever. I dunno how many people read this, but I am sorry if you were, by any chance, looking forward to this.

I’m trying to become alright with change. Since the accident, it forced change on me without notice. I’m not okay when things have changed without me ready for it. This is life. Things change, people come and go. Change happens, good or bad.

Logically, I know this is how the way of the world works. Life moves forward. It doesn’t stay in its place. I can’t ask people to be ready for me to be ready. I can’t do that. It isn’t fair to them. This is something I have to work on.

I have to be okay with life moving forward but I’m not and I don’t know how to undo that. I am stuck where I was before the accident. I know everyone is going to say all the nice stuff about how I have been making progress and whatever. I know. But reality is, I am not okay. I am stuck. I don’t understand why everything has changed when I haven’t. Why has everything changed when I’m not ready? This is weird to explain…It’s an odd situation. I know everyone is where they’re supposed to be as well as I.

Time stood still. You can find me where you left me at the accident. I’ll catch up at some point in my life but for now, I have to keep reminding myself that this is how it’s supposed to be regardless of how I feel.

 

The new me, Update

Overwhelmed…

Yeah, I don’t know why I’m as overwhelmed as I am sometimes. I do it to myself really. I set myself up for failure and I get all panicked when I didn’t get done all that I set up to get done.

I need to take in a deep breath and just let it be. That is easier said than done. Earlier this week started that way. I set up goals for myself for the day but I didn’t need to get it done and I was okay with that. By the time Friday hit, I was back where I started. There wasn’t enough hours in the day anymore.

I need to limit one goal for the day. Something big, like working on my Etsy shoppe, as my main focus for the day. Then the next day, working on my handwriting and so forth. I just can’t set goals up in a way that I can’t get them done. I usually set my day up to: work on my handwriting, my Etsy shoppe, clean my room, and organizing my arts and crafts closet. That’s only for a day. One already knows I’m not putting all my attention into one activity, therefore, whatever I did is half done.

I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. I need to take my day slow with getting shit done. I am not wonder woman. Not yet. I am working on her but I can’t rush the process. I know. Like I said just before, this shit is easier said than done.

I am also aware that I am the one person who always has a solution for everyone’s problems and am quick to offer my solution. I am aware that most of the shit I have said to people is easy, in theory.

I know what I should do and how I should do it. Nope. Not easy. It isn’t automatically easier for me because I was forced into this new life either. This is just as hard as it would have been before.

Also, when I do something in my day, I can’t do it in, let’s say, an hour. No. I need like the whole day. Who am I kidding when I try to cram in 3877348 things into the day? I will never get them checked off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will start my day with the exercising bit and then clean my room. I’ll work my way from there. Small goals. One at a time. That is how I got myself to drinking only water. #proud 🙂

Funsies, Update

Friends…

Jenn,

Happy Birthday! Love you and I hope you had a wonderful day! See you soon…

Love, Bahar

I have come to the realization that I am not good at choosing friends. Even you Jenn, I didn’t choose. You were brought to me. Thank you, James Wilson Young.

I think that my downfall is that I overlook what everyone else doesn’t. I give individuals the benefit of the doubt. I do this way too much that I get screwed over in the end. I put too much effort in the friendship or family member that I don’t get the same in return. I don’t ask for too much. I don’t believe I do.

I am the one that is able to apologize when I did something to offend or cross the line. I am able to see what I am doing and how it’s affecting the person in front of me. I don’t always think I’m right (despite what others think).

What I think and know, for me, is right but I will listen to you if you listen to me, as I know I can be wrong. So, prove me wrong. Don’t yell at me and be mean. Explain it to me like the adult you are. I will listen as long as you keep your cool. Don’t put it on me when you messed up. I am an understanding person, so much so that I get screwed in the end.

This may be the reason why I didn’t open up to people. Maybe this is why I don’t become ‘friends.’ Because why bother? That’s what I would do before the accident. That’s what I was. Someone who doesn’t have all these people around her. She gets too close too fast.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. I do it way too much. I don’t regret it when it happens because I learned and won’t do it again.

 

 

Feelings, Update

Strong personality?

Do you ever wonder if good or bad things happen to people for a reason? Or do you believe it’s just a coincidence? 

Is it karma? Or is it God? or are you chosen because you’re stronger than others? Or is it just bad luck?

Regardless of how events happen, some people are better equipped than others. Some learn something about themselves or see life in another way. There are the other few that don’t learn anything or see that they can learn from the experience. 

Every situation, good or bad, can be learned from. 

What I’m trying to get at is that I’m kind of a special person. Not to be full of myself but I’m handling this well. I surprise myself sometimes. 

I do have high expectations of myself. If you know me, you know this to be true. I have my own standards. Anyone else’s expectations of me? I simply don’t care. 

Either way, I think I have a strong personality. I can handle more than others, definitely. I may be more emotional than most. I may yell, scream, cry, or laugh. I wear my emotions on my sleeve but by no means does that mean I’m weak. I can handle a lot. A lot of changes have happened and I’ve handled it much, much better than most people would have. 

I think God chose me as the recipient of this accident because I can handle it. Maybe I have some stuff that I have done wrong. Or maybe others around me have. Maybe I was chosen because of what others have done. Maybe I’m the one that can influence and teach others something new? 

Maybe I’m just unlucky. My sister and I were the the unlucky souls on the LIE that morning. Karma, perhaps? I don’t know…

Facebook always has interesting articles. Most are bull but this one I enjoyed because I felt like it was written about me 😀 

http://www.lifehack.org/345591/8-signs-you-have-strong-personality-that-might-scare-some-people
Well. I leave you with that. You’re welcome. Kbye